Michelle just posted something on Facebook regarding open marriages and how some of her colleagues are suggesting some couples investigate them and how she is adamantly opposed to them.
I am almost always in agreement with her, but this is where I part company. While I understand that in the context of our culture this would not be a good idea for a lot of couples, I can see why it could work in some situations.
My opinion is that some people just aren't capable of being monogamous or are at least struggle with it. Others are in relationships that are perfectly fine with the exception of a non existent or infrequent sex life.
Others really love the relationship they have with their spouse, but both really enjoy occasional get togethers with others and find it adds a lot to their own sex life.
If a poly relationship can be worked out with mutual agreement, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Wonder what others here thought about it. I can copy/paste Michelle's post if you can't access it.
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
my opinion - what you call "open marriage" is just a way to excuse cheating by one partner, while the other partner wants an exclusive relationship and is extremely hurt by their spouse's cheating.
here's an idea - suppose the "open marriage" was for your wife to explore other options, while you remain faithful. that's not what you had in mind, is it? you were thinking that you would be allowed to cheat while she must remain faithful to you. right? be honest, now, no saying that you think both partners are allowed to have an "open marriage" when what you really mean is what I described.
and even if you are so open-minded that you wouldn't mind her cheating too (which I doubt) as long as you are allowed to do it, would your wife agree to an open marriage? I doubt it.
the essence of marriage is an exclusive relationship. anything else is hurtful for the other spouse.
Michelle just posted something on Facebook regarding open marriages and how some of her colleagues are suggesting some couples investigate them and how she is adamantly opposed to them.
I am almost always in agreement with her, but this is where I part company. While I understand that in the context of our culture this would not be a good idea for a lot of couples, I can see why it could work in some situations.
My opinion is that some people just aren't capable of being monogamous or are at least struggle with it. Others are in relationships that are perfectly fine with the exception of a non existent or infrequent sex life.
Others really love the relationship they have with their spouse, but both really enjoy occasional get togethers with others and find it adds a lot to their own sex life.
If a poly relationship can be worked out with mutual agreement, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Wonder what others here thought about it. I can copy/paste Michelle's post if you can't access it.
This is not really appropriate on a marriage-saving forum. ESPECIALLY on the Infidelity forum!
my opinion - what you call "open marriage" is just a way to excuse cheating by one partner, while the other partner wants an exclusive relationship and is extremely hurt by their spouse's cheating.
here's an idea - suppose the "open marriage" was for your wife to explore other options, while you remain faithful. that's not what you had in mind, is it? you were thinking that you would be allowed to cheat while she must remain faithful to you. right? be honest, now, no saying that you think both partners are allowed to have an "open marriage" when what you really mean is what I described.
and even if you are so open-minded that you wouldn't mind her cheating too (which I doubt) as long as you are allowed to do it, would your wife agree to an open marriage? I doubt it.
the essence of marriage is an exclusive relationship. anything else is hurtful for the other spouse.
Your response was, unsurprisingly, full of typical misunderstandings and unsupported assumptions.
That is not surprising. Our culture sets us up to look at different varieties of relationships that way. That is why there is so much controversy about gay marriage. We are barraged by propaganda that keeps us from thinking with an open mind.
All I said in my post was that for some people an open relationship could work. From that you seemed to assume that I want an open relationship and that an open relationship implies cheating. And that I was a cheat. And that someone HAS to be hurt in an open relationship.
I'm not at all offended by your presumptions. I'm used to them.
All I ask is that you and others try to keep an open mind - NOT an open relationship!
A good open relationship does NOT include cheating. It is a recognition that their relationship will strengthen through their being open and trusting of each other.
Full disclosure: we do have a somewhat open relationship. At this time, my wife does see other men from time to time. In fact, she will be meeting with someone this afternoon.
I don't feel angry and jealous, and I find myself reaping much of the benefit as she often feels more sexual than ever after getting together with someone.
We have a great sex life and this is simply a supplement. We love each other very much and are thrilled with our marriage. It works for us, but probably wouldn't work for you.
I am not advocating other people emulate our relationship. Most people probably couldn't make it work. But many can. And if they can and they do, I would like to see greater tolerance for what they do.
The reason I am speaking out isn't so that I can talk others into doing what we do. Rather, I want those who do follow our example not to feel alone. We face plenty of criticism from our behavior and it is helpful for those involved in the Poly lifestyle know that there are others like them out there and they are not perverts and creeps. They are you friends and neighbors and acquaintances.
In Michele's article, for which you provided a link, she said that she's never seen an open relationship work. But I would guess she's seen plenty of closed relationships fall apart. And, those in successful open relationships are not likely to seek counseling, nor are they likely to announce to the world that they are in that kind of relationship.
Right now, most of us are hidden. We find ways of meeting each other, supporting each other and enjoying each other. We are very discreet. We know that we make people like you uncomfortable, so we keep things a secret. None of our families or close friends know about us.
I can say much, much more is defense of poly relationships, but I'll wait until I see more comments.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
Which would be a good reason for abstinence for all unmarried people. Are you advocating that too?
Actually, married people are more likely to play it safe when playing, simply out of regard for their spouse. I'd feel safer with a married woman than a single woman.
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
We admittedly have a bias--for saving marriages. With respect and without judgment, what we support here is love and sex between committed partners without extraneous emotional or sexual affairs.
