I was originally posting in newcomers but at this point I'm not feeling so new. My original thread is http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...71#Post2325571. After months and months of running around and anger my mlc H seems to have gotten better. For the past few weeks I saw him being nice,attentive to our two children, and on occasion affectionate to me. I really thought we were turning a corner and then wham... this week he seems to have gotten distant again. When I confronted him this morning it turned into an all out argument. I left the house crying and feeling awful because he seems to blame everything on me. After months of IC and moving forward I once again feel stuck and that I am not incontrol and blaming myself. I am starting the process of filing for bancrupcy and fixing the finances so I can move ahead. I just can't figure out why he still blames me and why I listen. I feel stuck in this spot all over again. Does this happen to anyone else and how do you move forward? When will he see that I am not the cause of all of our problems?
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Just a follow up...he cheated for over a year with a not so stellar woman. When I asked him why he threw it all away he seems to go with he had nothing in our home and I was always nasty and ignored him. No one thinks I am nasty...ever. I am not mean to people. Only him. He said I am delusional because I don't get it through my head that I am the cause of all the things he did and still continues to do.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Welcome, TD. Sorry you're here, but glad to see you. If you have not already, take a look at Cadet's postings for newcomers. He posts some great and HIGHLY recommended reading resources.
Quote:
When will he see that I am not the cause of all of our problems?
That's not something we can answer. He may never see that. The more important piece of this at this point in time is that you realize it. And know it.
Let's talk about you first and we'll worry about him at a later time, OK?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, TnD, we all know who the delusional person is in your R, but there is nothing you can do about what he says and does. You can't control the situation, and especially not him. You can only control yourself and your responses. So, firstly get it into your head that you are NOT to blame for this crisis. Nothing you did or didn't do would've changed anything. He's blaming you so that he won't feel guilty ... so that he can justify his choices/actions.
You may have heard all this before, but it bears repeating (and as a reminder to myself, truth be told):
How to move forward from here? Don't discuss your R ... it just ends up in an argument ... not good for the kids to see (if they saw or heard anything). Do protect yourself financially, seek legal advice about your rights and protection during a S or D, just in case ... don't have to start the proceedings, but it would be a good idea to know what you're heading into if it goes that way.
Detach, detach, detach is the mantra on this board. It's hard to do, but once done you will find peace, and the children will feel safer. At this moment, they are feeling the tension. If your H wants to talk about the R, just listen. If he blames you for whatever, just listen, don't defend the indefensible. Deep down he knows he's being ridiculous, but when you try and defend yourself, he's got a justifiable argument. It's what he wants.
You must work on you, to be a person in your own right, separate from him. We shouldn't need our spouses (emotionally speaking), but want is another thing. It's take me more than 7 years to get that. Right now I don't need or want my H. The "want" could change, but I will never allow myself to need him again. I put him up on a pedestal, denied my own needs and wants. Not good.
This has been said all over the board: "be the person he/she would be a fool to leave."
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thank you thank you thank you...it is so hard. Finally thought i was past the crying and wanting him still stage and boom...i went right back today. Even though I know I never did anything to deserve what was done to me my H words cut like a knife. He is a textbook case of mlc n yet it gets to me every time. He still goes out once a week n doesn't come home all night n refuses to say where he's been. I will try again to get a life. Not going to ask questions...stop caring n get on w things for my kids sake. As soon as it is feasible i want to separate. I understand what the book says about the spouses that don't stick it out. You have to have skin made of armour to put up with all the mlc person says and does to the lbs.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Tired, one thing to keep in mind while you go through this. The things that "cut" you are things that both the MLCr says because he knows they hurt you, but are also things you may want to evaluate as possible changes. Likely what he says has "some" truth in it, although he'll blow them way out of proportion. And not all of it is real. The trick then is to wade through it and figure out if there are things about you that you want to change for YOU. They have to be because you want to change them, and they have to be accurate assessments. You won't get accuracy from him.
That's the part that's the gift in all of this. We can become bitter or better, as ericsmant has been known to point out. We can become better by assessing and changing things we don't like about ourselves. None of us is perfect. I know in my own case there were a few things to change that my ex pointed out. Once I waded through the "junk and spew" I found those and did change them for ME. I'm very happy for that gift. Now
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM.i do realize there was plenty wrong. H thought we didn't have SI enough. To the point he was so mean to Me about it. Went on for yrs. I found it difficult to be w someone who yells at me for it. The real issue was he was always working and I felt i did everything n was unappreciated. We did do it but had different ideas of how much was too little. The hard part of db is finding a balance bt getting my own life and how much do I fix w the SI when he isn't interested in me any longer n i can't see even doing that when things are this bad. None the less i have tried really hard to still do it. I feel it counteracts what i am trying to accomplish by getting a life. I have, however, learned a lot about myself and his complaints and would make sure i change those things for future relationships.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the midlife board - sorry you find yourself here.
My H of nearly 21 years also blames everything on me. And it really really hurts. Its the salt in the wound. More like the salt being ground into the wound.
I'd say 99% of what my H blames me for, or finds fault in, is hallucinatory. But to him its gospel.
Something that helped me a while back was that I googled how to validate emotions. It was a real eye opener for me.
Example: I had gotten up at 4:30 in the morning with H to make his breakfast and pack his lunch. (This was a regular thing for me.) When I finished taking care of him I went and sat at the dining table just as he was finishing his breakfast. As I was sitting down, he wiped his mouth with a napkin, tossed it on his plate and stood up to go play black jack on his computer. I had gone to sit with him, looking for a few minutes of just banal regular old conversation. Well, I gave a sputtering gasp of irritation. Enough to penetrate the MLC fog - surprisingly.
Later I get this text.
H:So I guess I'm sorry for this morning. It was nice of you to wake up and make my breakfast. but I'm not sure what you want or expect. We have never sat down and just talked in the morning and now you expect me to think of doing that over my established routine.
It took me some time and a few false starts because I didn't think too much of his "apology" lol, and for pity's sake I just wanted common courtesy and consideration - and I nearly told him exactly that- but finally I answered with this.
MizJ: Hey, I want you to know that I really appreciate your apology. I don't think that's an easy thing for you to do and I thank you for making the effort. It seems I don't make it easy for you- that you don't know what I want from you. I don't mean to be difficult or make life hard for you. I didn't know I did that. I'm sorry and I'll try to do better.
H's response?
H: Well, I don't know what to say.
Hah!
But my first thought had been to be offended - because it seemed he was blaming me - AGAIN. On careful reading though, I realized he was clearly telling me that he was confused.
So pay attention to the message behind/under the verbiage from your H. He's probably trying to tell you he's: angry, frightened, confused, worried, sad, remorseful. Listen for the emotion and validate it. Doesn't mean you agree with what HE says is the cause for the emotion, just that you acknowledge "H you feel ________. I understand, and I'm sorry that you feel that way."
This isn't easy. And I personally fail at it as much if not more than I succeed. But I have found that this strategy forces me to really listen to my H - so that I hear "him" and not the MLC virus.
Good luck TnD. Take care of yourself.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Sounds just like my H. He was annoyed w me last week bc i was sitting in family room watching tv w him . He started complaining this is something i never do..etc...ridiculous. last night he didn't come home. Pretty much his regular routine. He never gives any explanation other then its all bc of me. Sometimes its the messy house or the kids driving in crazy e ven f he he only been w them a short time. Typically im the problem. N the funny thing is be
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
