You can certainly ask a trusted friend to deliver that news (as I think you said above you were going to do), but your wife may STILL think you are just behind its delivery in order to be "controlling." Ultimately, she is responsible for her own health, and certainly so after the friend tells her. All you can is protect yourself by not having sexual relations with her, and by insisting upon a full-panel STD test (and then repeated, six months later) and a copy of the results shown to you if and when you two ever reconcile.
As for the cost of a trainer, you should offer to continue to pay for her personal training, but NOT with that trainer. If she won't agree to that, then stop paying for the training altogether.
What I saw wasn't in the steps of the plan, it was the way your words came across...
I'm not much of a "do this" or "say this" in this situation kind of guy. Others here are much better with that. And I don't want to impede the path that you are on now....
If anything, just make sure you are intentions are in the right place.
And that you aren't letting anger rule your decisions.
You need to explain your boundaries calmly, so that you are heard clearly. You need to be firm, yet loving, and absolute with your decisions.
I.E. I have decided that I will no longer fund your outings
Typically, when a boundary is laid out, it is out of fear, and done incorrectly, and the person is not able, or willing to enforce them, which is the most important part....
In order to be willing to enforce them, you have to be ready to live with the consequence that comes with enforcing it, and to do that....
You can certainly ask a trusted friend to deliver that news (as I think you said above you were going to do), but your wife may STILL think you are just behind its delivery in order to be "controlling." Ultimately, she is responsible for her own health, and certainly so after the friend tells her. All you can is protect yourself by not having sexual relations with her, and by insisting upon a full-panel STD test (and then repeated, six months later) and a copy of the results shown to you if and when you two ever reconcile.
As for the cost of a trainer, you should offer to continue to pay for her personal training, but NOT with that trainer. If she won't agree to that, then stop paying for the training altogether.
What I saw wasn't in the steps of the plan, it was the way your words came across...
I'm not much of a "do this" or "say this" in this situation kind of guy. Others here are much better with that. And I don't want to impede the path that you are on now....
If anything, just make sure you are intentions are in the right place.
And that you aren't letting anger rule your decisions.
You need to explain your boundaries calmly, so that you are heard clearly. You need to be firm, yet loving, and absolute with your decisions.
I.E. I have decided that I will no longer fund your outings
Typically, when a boundary is laid out, it is out of fear, and done incorrectly, and the person is not able, or willing to enforce them, which is the most important part....
In order to be willing to enforce them, you have to be ready to live with the consequence that comes with enforcing it, and to do that....
Your head has to be in the right place....
Mach1, Thank you for that and I agree. Delivery withoug anger will be the key. I have difficult discussions in my business life and sometimes one can be attached to those discussions as well. I guess what I am saying is that I have had some practice and need to make sure I use my "don't burn a bridge" approach to the sitch.
I will ask her about the parallel lives and how she sees it.
Yes, the spark was gone and I am part of that. I ignored her and she the same. I didn't seek out someone to fill that void. I think she should have worked on us through communication before making that leap.
All great comments 25years.
I was NOT defending her affair (I was simply imagining her saying what I've heard countless cheating spouses say...)
PLUS you said that normally she's a loyal woman and this is out of character for her. So to ME, IF she has already justified the A, that means SHE believes there were problems in the marriage not all of her making...with me so far?
SO to demand she end the affair AND NOT ALSO say "w, I shall also be changing to meet your previously unmet needs...you are not being asked to do all the changing for this m", isn't going to be as successful as you taking on SOME of the responsibility for you two being here. I think you get that. But, here's a novel factor to consider.
Your view of your wife before this, sounds as if you held a high opinion of her, which is good news, MOSTLY...but My guess is that a part of her, maybe way down deep by now, feels like a different 'not so good' person...so there will be shame.
SOMETIMES shame converts into passive aggressive withdrawals of affection OR it converts into blaming you
OR it just stays and does not get processed...which is really bad news...
It's EASY to forget this when you are in your position b/c you are reeling in pain, (and I know you are & I feel very bad for you),
but HER EGO is about to take a beating. It probably already has. When the WAS gets caught, it's not a smooth experience...and when those boundaries are set on them (and the laws in that state are NOT too helpful to their position) AND they face the wreckage their choice is creating, it can be devastating.
I know of 2 suicides that happened after such an ordeal.
(One happened to a WAW on this site and that's a crazy thing to mention, but there IS fallout to consider).
So, PART of your solution plan has to include steps she CAN take that are not akin to climbing Mt Everest, and a sense that you are in this solution based approach, together.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Engine, since it is not advisable at this point to reveal that you know about her affair, is there any other excuse you could use to request that she switch to another PT? maybe "I have heard great recommendations about so-and-so as a personal trainer, and he/she charges a lot less per hr than your current PT" or something like that? of couse she will object to the change, but you can put her in a position of having to make excuses for why she doesn't want to do so.
I was NOT defending her affair (I was simply imagining her saying what I've heard countless cheating spouses say...) And I understand that and appreciate it
PLUS you said that normally she's a loyal woman and this is out of character for her. So to ME, IF she has already justified the A, that means SHE believes there were problems in the marriage not all of her making...with me so far? Yes I am and would agree. I need to be part of the solution. I have identified a lot of those issues and discussed with my local DB coach
SO to demand she end the affair AND NOT ALSO say "w, I shall also be changing to meet your previously unmet needs...you are not being asked to do all the changing for this m", isn't going to be as successful as you taking on SOME of the responsibility for you two being here. I think you get that. But, here's a novel factor to consider. Agree!
Your view of your wife before this, sounds as if you held a high opinion of her, which is good news, MOSTLY...but My guess is that a part of her, maybe way down deep by now, feels like a different 'not so good' person...so there will be shame.
SOMETIMES shame converts into passive aggressive withdrawals of affection OR it converts into blaming you
OR it just stays and does not get processed...which is really bad news... Her personality is to process...and it takes time. She has the resources to lean on as one of the counters to "i am going to continue to support you working with a trainer but not with the OM, will be to offer to her that she continues to see our local "coach"
It's EASY to forget this when you are in your position b/c you are reeling in pain, (and I know you are & I feel very bad for you),
but HER EGO is about to take a beating. It probably already has. When the WAS gets caught, it's not a smooth experience...and when those boundaries are set on them (and the laws in that state are NOT too helpful to their position) AND they face the wreckage their choice is creating, it can be devastating.
I know of 2 suicides that happened after such an ordeal. This concerns me more than anything and based on her past, this could be at risk and is my primary reason for suggesting that she seek the help of our local coach
(One happened to a WAW on this site and that's a crazy thing to mention, but there IS fallout to consider).
So, PART of your solution plan has to include steps she CAN take that are not akin to climbing Mt Everest, and a sense that you are in this solution based approach, together.
Make sense?
And all that makes sense. I added comments below each of your statement. Again, thank you for the advice. This is all very helpful. Thanks again!!!
Engine, since it is not advisable at this point to reveal that you know about her affair, is there any other excuse you could use to request that she switch to another PT? maybe "I have heard great recommendations about so-and-so as a personal trainer, and he/she charges a lot less per hr than your current PT" or something like that? of couse she will object to the change, but you can put her in a position of having to make excuses for why she doesn't want to do so.
Hello Too, Actually, I am confronting her about the A. Living in an open marriage is not healthy for anyone and goes against my principles. In other words, fully loaded for DB but there is a base line. Actually, confronting her with this has got to be done at some time and there is no sense in delaying it. There are boundaries established through the help of others in this forum and my local DB coach. I was fortunate enough to be working with a counselor who put me onto DR and subscribes to the principles of the practice used.
Is it wrong for me to stop paying for this trainer? That isn't a boundary and more of an action she will resent. This is a hard one but I do not see any other option.
WTF! Okay, that question threw me for a loop. You should absolutely stop paying this piece of cr@p. Why would you think anything otherwise?
You W can't be less in love with you, why facilitate her A? J.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Is it wrong for me to stop paying for this trainer? That isn't a boundary and more of an action she will resent. This is a hard one but I do not see any other option.
WTF! Okay, that question threw me for a loop. You should absolutely stop paying this piece of cr@p. Why would you think anything otherwise?
You W can't be less in love with you, why facilitate her A? J.
John, Someomne made that sugestion along the way. My question should have said...WT?, do you expect me to keep paying for her PT? Anyway, that is getting cut off!
