I will ask her about the parallel lives and how she sees it.
Yes, the spark was gone and I am part of that. I ignored her and she the same. I didn't seek out someone to fill that void. I think she should have worked on us through communication before making that leap.
I ignored her and she the same. I didn't seek out someone to fill that void.
But if you had been assigned some hot young co-worker that you were supposed to work with in a very physical and intimate way, and she was very experienced at seduction - it's possible you would have been as weak as your wife. NOT justifying her actions - just saying be careful about slipping into too judgmental a frame of mind.
I ignored her and she the same. I didn't seek out someone to fill that void.
But if you had been assigned some hot young co-worker that you were supposed to work with in a very physical and intimate way, and she was very experienced at seduction - it's possible you would have been as weak as your wife. NOT justifying her actions - just saying be careful about slipping into too judgmental a frame of mind.
***You're confusing "transparency" with "boundaries." You're in no position to demand transparency right now, not until SHE says she is willing to end her affair, and asks you what it will take to return to work on the marriage. SHE IS FLEEING FROM YOU right now, Engine, and from your marriage. If you start demanding things, most will backfire.
You SHOULD, however, decide what your short, core list of personal "boundaries of personal integrity" are, and ask for those. In my sitch, it was "no texting or calling OM from inside of our family's home, no calling or texting him in front of our kids from ANYWHERE, no leaving the boys home alone for extended periods of time, unsupervised and unfed, while you go meet with OM, and no squandering of the family's finances on her affair. These are for YOU and YOUR KIDS, not to be controlling of HER. Think "Papabear" and his cubs.
NO-CONTACT and TRANSPARENCY will come later, if and only if she asks you "What will it take?" to return to the marriage to reconcile.
Golden ^^^^^^
The only thing I can tell you, is that confronting her does NOT mean the same as a full exposure of things.
Confronting her only means that YOU are not carrying the weight of her choices and decisions.
Why should you carry around her secrets ????
Why should you pay for her choice of 'playing' outside of the marriage ???
I also suggest that your plan is well laid out, in a way that you don't punish her. It isn't your place to punish her for anything, and it will never be...
Pick and choose your words carefully
Make sure that you have the purest of intentions, without standing on a Moral soapbox.
I like your plan so far, just needs a little more defined toward your intentions...
***You're confusing "transparency" with "boundaries." You're in no position to demand transparency right now, not until SHE says she is willing to end her affair, and asks you what it will take to return to work on the marriage. SHE IS FLEEING FROM YOU right now, Engine, and from your marriage. If you start demanding things, most will backfire.
You SHOULD, however, decide what your short, core list of personal "boundaries of personal integrity" are, and ask for those. In my sitch, it was "no texting or calling OM from inside of our family's home, no calling or texting him in front of our kids from ANYWHERE, no leaving the boys home alone for extended periods of time, unsupervised and unfed, while you go meet with OM, and no squandering of the family's finances on her affair. These are for YOU and YOUR KIDS, not to be controlling of HER. Think "Papabear" and his cubs.
NO-CONTACT and TRANSPARENCY will come later, if and only if she asks you "What will it take?" to return to the marriage to reconcile.
Golden ^^^^^^
The only thing I can tell you, is that confronting her does NOT mean the same as a full exposure of things.
Confronting her only means that YOU are not carrying the weight of her choices and decisions.
Why should you carry around her secrets ????
Why should you pay for her choice of 'playing' outside of the marriage ???
I also suggest that your plan is well laid out, in a way that you don't punish her. It isn't your place to punish her for anything, and it will never be...
Pick and choose your words carefully
Make sure that you have the purest of intentions, without standing on a Moral soapbox.
I like your plan so far, just needs a little more defined toward your intentions...
Make sense?
Mach1, Yes, that makes sense. After filtering through everyone’s post, they have all been most helpful and it would appear that I was going the route of the bull in the china shop. I guess everyone has talked me off the cliff.
In light of that, i will modify my plan this evening and re-post. Again, plan b or even c, is D and there is a lot of runway left before i get there. I am not going to throw away a 33 year relationship without a fight but now realize that i need to fight with a feather and not, as one put it, the invasion at Normandy!
I think your plan is actually a good one. You just need to realize that it does NOT have to all be implemented at once, and some of it may NEVER need to. Other than immediately protecting your finances and finding out your legal rights and responsibilities, there's nothing you really HAVE to do right now (although very soon you will have to confront your wife with your "I will not live in an open marriage" talk, and to let her know of the financial moves you have made. You should NOT tell her about any legal meetings you have).
You have the "benefit" (and I realize that's a weird term, considering ...) of the fact that your wife DOESN'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW, so you can "hide things in your heart" as the Good Book says, and seek additional counsel as you tweak your plan. There is much to be said for "shock-and-awe," but I was more of a FDR, "let's give her 3 more days before we drop the 2nd bomb" guy. There was fallout from that decision, but I sincerely was hoping that my wife would turn from her destructive path that she was on. There are pro's and con's to both approaches.
Zip up your finances and your legal knowledge, and play things cool at home for now. Recharge your batteries . . . you will need them, trust me.
I think your plan is actually a good one. You just need to realize that it does NOT have to all be implemented at once, and some of it may NEVER need to. Other than immediately protecting your finances and finding out your legal rights and responsibilities, there's nothing you really HAVE to do right now (although very soon you will have to confront your wife with your "I will not live in an open marriage" talk, and to let her know of the financial moves you have made. You should NOT tell her about any legal meetings you have).
You have the "benefit" (and I realize that's a weird term, considering ...) of the fact that your wife DOESN'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW, so you can "hide things in your heart" as the Good Book says, and seek additional counsel as you tweak your plan. There is much to be said for "shock-and-awe," but I was more of a FDR, "let's give her 3 more days before we drop the 2nd bomb" guy. There was fallout from that decision, but I sincerely was hoping that my wife would turn from her destructive path that she was on. There are pro's and con's to both approaches.
Zip up your finances and your legal knowledge, and play things cool at home for now. Recharge your batteries . . . you will need them, trust me.
Starsky
Starsky, Thanks for that! I do have my legal matters in order and will only be used as an emergency parachute. I have yet to talk to a DB coach as I may go see my counselor who has been working with us for 3 months. She is not aware of the A. Still weighing my options there.
I am sure there will be fall out. As someone pointed out, she is running and this will certainly not sit well at first. I know this; I need to stop paying for her affair ( trainer, gym, nails, hair and even some of the clothing ). The issue will be that she ties her new found back health, a rightfully so, to the work her trainer has done. So, she will look at me as the ogre who may be taking away her pain free back. That is a sad consequence of what has to be done. If she doesn’t want to leave the A in time, then comes in the ultimatum that is discussed in Chapter 12 of DR.
There are certainly other trainers who can help her with her back, and her overall health. You know, ones she hasn't slept with.
Consequences.
My wife had to QUIT her job at the gym, something she had studied HARD for her certification to get, and she had worked to build up her clientele. But it was something she needed to do in order to maintain no-contact and come back to the marriage. She was ANGRY about it . . . at first at me, but later admitted "I was angry at myself, that I didn't have more self-control and let myself get into a situation where I had to give that up, in order to work on our marriage."
Again, there are two separate issues here: BOUNDARIES and NO-CONTACT/TRANSPARENCY. Engine will not be in a position to insist upon the latter until such time as his wife asks the "What will it take?" question, so he can't forbid her from using this trainer. But he can damned sure stop PAYING for it -- and should.
My plan? 1. Talked to my attorney already and i know my options. Adultery in my state is a crime and also bars her from alimony.
Just curious how one goes about documenting this in such a way that it can't be denied?
As for the kids - tread very very carefully. When my ex had an affair, the kids were home with me when I found the evidence, and I could not hide my shock from them. We reconciled - quite successfully - and were happy together for a few more years before my H went down the rabbit hole the final time. But my kids are all now in their 20's and I am only now seeing how much trepidation they had during those "good" years of our reconciliation - apparently they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So I'd say, say as LITTLE as possible to your kids unless it's CLEAR that you will be divorcing and there is no reconciliation possible. Then it may be appropriate to let older teens know you weren't the party responsible for the divorce, but no more.
Also - taking a compassionate view of your wife - sounds like this trainer may be a real Lothario. Some guys abuse the intimacy of that position and prey on women to get them into the sack. She very well may be devastated when she learns that she is not "special" but just one of many.
KML, It is well documented and I will share how that all happened when I can. Nothing in life is ever iron clad but this is as close as it gets.
There are certainly other trainers who can help her with her back, and her overall health. You know, ones she hasn't slept with.
Consequences.
My wife had to QUIT her job at the gym, something she had studied HARD for her certification to get, and she had worked to build up her clientele. But it was something she needed to do in order to maintain no-contact and come back to the marriage. She was ANGRY about it . . . at first at me, but later admitted "I was angry at myself, that I didn't have more self-control and let myself get into a situation where I had to give that up, in order to work on our marriage."
Again, there are two separate issues here: BOUNDARIES and NO-CONTACT/TRANSPARENCY. Engine will not be in a position to insist upon the latter until such time as his wife asks the "What will it take?" question, so he can't forbid her from using this trainer. But he can damned sure stop PAYING for it -- and should.
Starsky
I agree, I certainly cannot demand that she stop using him but at $180 / week (yes that’s correct), she will not be able to afford it. When this all started, she wanted to become a PT. She order the materials three months ago and started studying last week when her best friend went back to work. It was not a priority until then oddly enough. Anyway, I was happy that she finally found something that she had a passion for. I fear that passion was actually to work for her current PT.
I may not have mentioned this before but in my travels to uncover this A, her new love of her life is sleeping with two other women. He also sees them weekly. He has three separate “clients” Tuesday through Thursday. I will not have the heart to deliver that news but I so badly want to. My concern is her health. If he is sleeping with that many, and the hotel clerk says that he is in often, what is he carrying related to STD’s? Oh, and he also has a wife at home….great guy. He was let go from the previous employment for similar behavior.
