And the Beat Goes On...

[tested metal]

Hi folks!

I have not posted in a while and thought I would give an update/ ask for advice.

Things have been going good post-divorce as EX and I have gotten along for the most part and finances now seem to be settling down. D2 is thriving and has a good relationship with both of us.

Now 2 weeks ago ex texted me saying she misses me and wanted to "come over". I reply I miss her too, but I am dating someone (I am) and I don't want to give the wrong impression.

Now ex tells me that she is moving to a town 70 miles away and expects me to give up out 50/50 custody agreement so she can be happy and get a better job. I told her that she is free to move where she likes but I will not give up my time with our daughter. I have a good relationship with her and I would like to keep that, plus she is finally getting consistency with school and routine. Now ex is claiming that I am a controling bastard, who likes seeing her "below me", which is not the case. I just don't want to give up my hard earned time with D2, just because she decides to move. She refuses to move with D2, which I said is her own choice, but I am sticking to my guns on this.

I explained that my reasons for sticking were because of the recent stability; a major loss of my time from D2; the increased cost for daycare and traveling; there would be major changes in child support (me paying even more, which I can't afford); and it would be me essentially giving up my 50% of physical custody.

The schools here are just as good as where she is going and the community is great here.

She said that she will have to take it to court then and will jack up my child support. (Which is child support is an idle threat because I got nothing to lose as I would lose whether D2 is with her a majority of the time through court or by my own permission).

I told her to do what she needs to do and hung up on her.

So my question is, What does anyone else think? Am I being total selfish with this? I am really looking for honest answers, espicially if I am in the wrong. I want to see Ex thrive, but frankly that is not responsibility, nor do I feel I need to sacrifice my time for it.

Thanks in advance!

[ericmsant2]

Twisted

Noticed she called first to say she missed you before starting with antics again.

I think your position with your D is spot on. If she wants to move 70 miles away how is that YOUR D's or YOUR problem.

As long as the 50/50 split is working for YOUR D and YOU..and as long as it is in YOUR D's BEST INTEREST then I think your taking the right approach.

I would suggest that you contact your L and find out what or how this may play out and how or what you need to do to protect yourself.

An MLCer usually can only focus on what THEY want, so you want to make sure that you are operating in YOUR D's and YOUR best interest. Be careful not to get lulled into something you may not be able to get out of.

Good luck.

Eric

[Raine]

You're in the right. You have 50/50. Is there really that much better of a life/job for her 70 miles away?

[tested metal]

Thanks for the responses!

Ex proposed a plan that may work, but the main problem that I have is that it would involved D2 being moved every week between towns. Basically D2 would be with Ex for 1 week, and then me for 1 week. The problem that I see is that she would be in 2 different daycares and I am worried that it would be to much upheaval for her.

Has anyone else had a situation like this and if so how did the child react?

I don't want to do any harm to D2, but also realize that unless ex gets a better life, which unfortunately she refuses to do until she moves, D2 will be stuck with the ex's poor decisions. To the ex's credit, she is trying to better herself and admits being depressed, which is a good start.

[ericmsant2]

Tested

I would suggest that you speak to a child therapist to find out what they believe is best for your D. I understand that X is trying to "better" herself but really this should be about what is best for your D - PERIOD.

I do believe that children can adapt; however, you may need to consider a few other things...

1) How will transportation work? Will your D have to deal with several hours in a car every week?

2) Long terms how does this work? What about things like birthday parties with friends, etc.?

3) How does/will this impact YOUR schedule..work, etc?

A lot to think about buddy. Personally, X wanted this and I do not believe that you, D should have to change YOUR lifes for the sake of your X. That said, why are you willing to compromise with your X? Is it really what you feel is best for your D OR do you have an expectation that this will "show" X the new you?

Eric

[tested metal]

Eric,

I don't have an expectation that this will show the ex the new me. Frankly I am trying to be a little supportive about her making a good decision about looking for a better job, because it would benefit D2 overall. I also believe that D2 having 2 parents around would be the most beneficial, but realize that it may have a cost, to myself. I will not do it if it will affect D2 negatively. I also will not do it if it increases my daycare payments as my finances are already tight.

Today, things may have changed the "playing course" dramatically as ex called me crying and informing me that she had just been fired from her job because her ex (who she works with and she dumped) reported her to corporate because she "misplaced" his payroll check. She answered corporate's call with the answer that ex was vindictive because of being dumped and that the misplacement was a mistake. Corporate didn't care and fired her. she also lives with ex, so now she has to move immediately.

Now she has friends (who I know and are good people), who live in the town 70 miles away, that have a spare room for her and D2 and would take care of D2 while Ex works. Ex has a part time minimum wage job lined and would look for a better job in the meantime.

I have noticed that this is a pattern for her though of making impulsive decisions that bite her in the butt later. Now they are affecting D2 with not having a permanent place to live and possibly Ex not affording Daycare.

1. as for transportation We would meet in the town in between and switch there. Car time for D2 would be 1 hr a week tops.

2. We would work out stipulations for parties.
3. As for work schedule it would not impact it at all.

The only thing that it would do is put a 3 yr timetable for me to move to the same town if I want 50/50 to continue as D2 will be in school by that time and I know by then she should have at least a permanent town to live in.

I will talk to a therapist about this immediately and a lawyer. Ex reported that she has talked to a child therapist and says that the 50/50 is not healthy even in town, but I have had friends that are therapist that think that is not necessarily the case.


Thanks for the responses! I look forward to more discussion as I feel really conflicted and confused right now on the best possible course of action to take.

[ericmsant2]

Frankly I am trying to be a little supportive about her making a good decision about looking for a better job, because it would benefit D2 overall. I also believe that D2 having 2 parents around would be the most beneficial, but realize that it may have a cost, to myself. I will not do it if it will affect D2 negatively. I also will not do it if it increases my daycare payments as my finances are already tight.

Tested, I agree that having two parent around is a good thing; however, both parents should be responsible and put the childs needs first (I am not saying you are not doing that).

I have noticed that this is a pattern for her though of making impulsive decisions that bite her in the butt later. Now they are affecting D2 with not having a permanent place to live and possibly Ex not affording Daycare.

This is the point that I was trying to make…..You xw had made some poor choices – not YOU and NOT your D. Your W may not have a permanent place to live right now and may not be able to afford health care as a result of the choices that she made. Is the instability of the life that XW has right now better for YOUR D or is YOUR home better? I am not saying to take your D from your XW – nope – I am saying what is in D2 best interest. Consider this…what if she moved 70 miles away with your D and her “impulsive” behavior continues?

We would meet in the town in between and switch there. Car time for D2 would be 1 hr a week tops.

That would work potentially for a while but it may get old. An hour though is not too long. Are you guys doing week on week off or do you exchange during the week (sorry I don’t remember if you posted that)?

The only thing that it would do is put a 3 yr timetable for me to move to the same town if I want 50/50 to continue as D2 will be in school by that time and I know by then she should have at least a permanent town to live in.

Do you want to move in 3 yrs? Doesn’t she have a permanent town to live in now….with you.

I will talk to a therapist about this immediately and a lawyer

Good move. Remember the L works for YOU and the therapist should work for your D2. The comment bout a therapist saying that 50/50 is not healthy is bull! It is a fact that children benefit most from spending equal time with BOTH parents.

I feel really conflicted and confused right now on the best possible course of action to take.

I feel ya bro. I know this confused and conflicted feeling. What about D, what about XW, what about me….all the scenarios running around your head. IMO, you need to do what is really in the best interest of your D. To do that you must first figure out what “best interest” means to YOU. Is a stable home the most important thing, is being with her mom more important, what role do you play, etc. I think the therapist will help you sort that out. I would only caution you NOT to make a choice based on a (small as it may be) expectation that somehow this will help show your XW. I know you say that you do not have any expectation…I have feeling that somewhere deep inside of you…is that small piece of hope that maybe you two will reconnect. I think this is normal and hell part of me hopes a family could be restored; however, that small piece (if it does exist) should NOT drive your choice. What should drive it is what is really good for YOUR D2 and YOU. Your XW made her choice….allow her to learn from them.

Good luck man…and I know you’ll end up doing what is good for you and D2.

God Bless,
Eric

[tested metal]

I had a good talk with ex yesterday. I probably did not do a good job DBing, but I felt this had to be done and addressed in the following manner.

I told Ex that her depression is clouding her judgement and that she may fully intend on not harming D2, but her choices had gotten herself fired, which leads her and D2 to be "homeless" and "jobless." If it wasn't for her friends, who are not only lending a room for her and D2 to stay and giving her a job, which really makes far less than she had before with no benefits; or for me, who is paying D2's insurance, D2 would have no place to live, no food to eat, and no insurance.

I said that although I am dismayed with the situation, I realize that her depression needs to be treated and understand her situation.

I gave her proof that her depression was affecting her judgement (last 2 boyfriends and current firing). I even told her that all of her friends had come to me wondering what has happened to her because she changed dramatically once D2 was born.

Ex then admitted that her depression had made things bad and informed me that she had an eating disorder and blames herself eveytime D2 gets sick because D2 was born premature and underweight, because Ex was not taking care of herself while pregnant. I assured Ex that she was a good mom, and current illnesses are not her fault, but the consequences of her actions are starting to really affect others and she needs to get help.

She reported that the reason why she was moving to the other town was to get more support from her friends there, namely the saintly couple that decided to let her stay with them and get her life together. They have also been concerned.

Then I gave ex basically 2 choices. Choice 1 was that she would let me take care of D2 full time on a temporary basis with her getting D2 every toher weekend and holidays we agreed to; until she can stabilize her mood and behavior and get a place of her own and settled and then we'd go back to 50/50 status.

Choice 2 was that she could refuse and we would go to court.

She picked choice 1 and begged me not to take D2 away from her, to which I replied, I will not do that, unless you refuse to get help and are not getting better. I need to look out for D2 as no one else can right now and you need to put your own oxygen mask on before you can even think about putting on D2s. I noticed my stomach felt relieved after this conversation and it seemed like the right thing to do.

To answer Eric's question, do I still have that small hope that Ex could come back? yes. Is it driving my decision process? no. I believe that ex is able to get help and recover from this if she chooses to. I also belive that this will be enough of an incentive for her to get help and make those changes, where she will stabilize and make better decisions for our child. I believe that if she is stable, then D2 will reap the benefits from both parents having equal time in her life.

I am willing to make that sacrifice for D2's sake, including the inconveinence of traveling. I will continue to have a Lawyer on hand in case this does not work out, but I belive that Ex would not put D2 in immediate danger of safety, but rather makes poor impulsive decisions when it comes to her self esteem. As I said before she is good with D2, just has not seen how her personal decisions could affect D2 later.


I figure if I am wrong, then ex will surely give me another chance to go for full custody and by then I will know that it is the last resort and right thing to do.

[kml]

You are a good, good man.

Be aware - eating disorders can be quite difficult to treat. She will need professional help. And they can be very sneaky, like drug addicts, at hiding their behaviors (for example, you never knew!). (I know a lot about this because my daughter had anorexia and bulimia when she was 12).

[tested metal]

Thanks KML! Luckily for her I am a therapist. I know that her eating disorder is just a symptom of what's really going on. I also know that there is an Eating Disorder clinic in the town that she just moved to; the ONLY one in the state. One of my stipulations for this agreement is that she get the appropriate help and actually stick with it this time. I may not be able to ensure or prove that she has been going, but if she can't even name one therapist in that town when asked about, all deals are off.

I know this sounds controlling, and I really don't like doing this, but this is the lesser of 2 evils at this point. If this can be used as motivation and incentive for her to get better then great! If not then it will be a very sad time for her.

I guess we'll see what happens on the road ahead. I want her to succeed, but ultimately that ball is in her court.