Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Seems like ages since I last posted, but I see that it really hasn't been that long. Cutting to the chase, I filed on April 11. On March 23, W said she might, maybe, sorta wanted to work on the M, but only after she spoke with her IC and absolutely no promises. I could hear the anguish in her voice for just mentioning it. Then I heard nothing for 2 weeks.

We tried to have a conversation on April 9, but she continues to sound like the most annoying broken record imaginable. The on-going rewriting of our history; my ever increasing list of faults (sorry about the Hindenburg everybody, my bad), abuses, and actions that prevented her from being happy; and just plain nuttiness have taken their toll on me. If I never have another 'conversation' with this woman, it will be too soon.

I struggled in mid-March with feeling like I needed to run as far away as I possibly could. I even put in some job applications that would take me several states away. I've calmed down a little and decided that as hard as it is to stay here being reminded of all the good times (and now some very bad)and to sometimes run into her in this small town (though I see her less than a week usually), my kids need me. They really, really enjoy spending time with me and depend on me for things that go way beyond finances. They are the one good thing I've got going for me now. It's just how I feel, though I know it's an exaggeration. Unfortunately, my work ethic and PMA are still in the pits, but on a positive note, I give a sh#t about it. It's something I know I have to and want to work on, which is an improvement.

I'm sorry it's come to this. I wish I had the strength of some of you DBers out there. I think you are either married and committed or your not; and W is most definitely not. My ego and self-esteem have been screaming from the a$$-kicking they took late last year and just can't be quieted anymore. I need them to motivate me, to accomplish what I am capable of, to move forward. I just couldn't do that as long as I was in Limbo with W. My kids depend on my drive and ambition far more now than ever, so filing was what I needed to drop the rope and move on. The W I knew and loved is gone. I've looked for her and mourned her long enough. I wish everyone the best of luck on their own journeys and relationships.
J.

[job]

JBolt,
I'm sorry that it's come to this...for you, this might be want you need to move forward. You will still need support as you go through the divorce. Please know that we are here for you no matter what transpires.

I wish you all of the best.

[JBolt]

Thanks snodderly, I really appreciate that. I'm taking the mantras I've learned around here with me; GAL, detach, be the best father I can be, become the kind of person only a fool would leave. It's been almost 6 months to the BD day for me. I didn't have any kind of clock running, but it's just been too painful for me to keep wishing home was waiting for me somewhere. I have to make a new home, one that I'm living in the present in. I just couldn't do that as long as I thought my old life was out there somewhere. I hope W has found or finds the happiness she needs. She really is a great mother and was a good friend and spouse before the alien took hold. In any event, it's time to leave the past in the past as she has seemed to be able to do. That's pretty hard though given my profession (archeology)

[TSquared2]

Hi J,

I am glad to see you seeing what is important (your D's, career, etc) and taking steps...maybe just leave the door open a crack, just in case...as we have learned, we don't know what the future has in store...

We're here for you!

T^2

[JBolt]

Hi all, just thought I would post a quick update...and of course some MLC weirdness...

I filed on April 11 and feeling of being released from Limbo has really taken hold. We had our second mediation session about a week later and it was much more productive. I'm still very uncomfortable being around W, but it's not really in issue as we make to effort to arrange it. It will get much easier with time. For all those newbies out there, TIME is the key. There were moments I thought I would never reach, but I'm getting there. Slowly at first, then faster and faster. I'm looking forward to the future now instead of dreading my next encounter with W.

The kids and I are having a B.L.A.S.T. blast. Whether it is cooking dinner together (or cookies :)), hanging out at the park, shopping, watching a movie, friend sleepover, whatever. I realized a few weeks ago that I was the parent that always played with the kids. W would watch and interact with them, but I have always been the real big kid at heart that did the rough-housing, playing with toys, legos, stuff like that. I'm so glad they are still young enough to want to be seen doing anything with the old man! They are also looking forward to swimming as often as they like at my apt. complex pools, me too!

Work is starting to really chug along. Until last month, I hadn't really been able to accomplish anything. I would go into the office and stare at the walls. I needed and took a short break. I'm not going in regularly and getting a little work done. Not quite up to my previous level of productivity, but at least I'm starting to give a sh@t about it. I'm in the sciences, and it all seemed very trivial and academic for months after BD. Well, it is mostly trivial and academic, but it's my job and I loved it. I'm starting to rediscover that and it feels good.

I'm now captain of a summer league bowling team, we are all good friends and it's been a blast. I'm looking to get a dog. It will cost extra at the apartments, but I need something to accompany me on all the long walks I really enjoy taking now. I've re-picked up a couple of old childish hobbies (pretty geeky stuff, so I won't embarrass myself here!) and am reading for pleasure more and more. Not anything I didn't do while with W, but stuff I couldn't bring myself to do after BD. I'm also looking into doing some other activities, even thinking about trying to get a part in the next city theatre production (!).

All in all, my therapist and, more importantly I, think I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments of pain, but they are brief. Filing the paperwork and seeing a light at the end of my tunnel at least is what it took for me to drop the rope and begin to move on. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but for me at least, I think it is how I have started to regain my self respect and esteem. W has legitimate grievances about our relationship, but it cuts both ways and I have decided that nothing I did earned the way I've been treated and the things I've been accused of over the last 7 or so months. I've moved on.

[job]

You sound great! I'm glad you came back and updated your situation. Sometimes, we have to move forward and file in order to step over the "limbo" stick.

Take care of yourself and your children. They do grow up so fast!

[JBolt]

I meant "we make no effort to arrange..." seeing each other in the previous. Oh, and I mentioned in the previous about having fun with the kids. Someone on the board mentioned how their XH was trying to be a "Disneyland Dad", going out of his way to do more with his kids to show up his ex. Hadn't heard that term before and I started worrying that I doing the same. But then I realized, I'm not making anymore time for the kids then I did before BD. I've always been the one to take them places, goof around, and just play to play. My wife has mentioned more than once how happy they are when she drops them off.

Okay, just some quick observations on zombie W. I know, I know, some folks will suggest I'm obsessing, but I visit the board every couple of days to catch up on sitchs, say a silent prayer for those struggling AND to read about the weirdoes our spouses have somehow turned into. No apologies...but since I don't initiate comms. with her anymore unless strictly about the kids, and I certainly don't ask the children, I really don't know much about what's going on with her.

Second mediation last month went pretty well. W suggested she should have our D10 one extra day (we now do 50/50). In other words, she would drop off D15 on Wed night and then D10 on Thur and I would return them both according to previously agreed schedule. According to W, "D10 needs her mother more and besides, the kids don't even play together anymore". I could have written this down on a piece of paper and pulled it out after she mentioned it. This is the same excuse, short of accusing me of being an child abuser, that she pulled in Nov'12 after we had agreed to 50/50. The truth is the kids are thick as thieves over at my place and the W doesn't seem to have any problem justifying W's desire for more time with D15. I'm inclined to offer her a month of this nonsense to see how it goes. The only person she will alienate is D10 for keeping her from her father. I would hate to see their relationship deteriorate further. Haven't discussed it since.

Also at mediation, W seemed confused. There were several things we talked about at meeting #1 the previous month, custody, the house, spousal support, the car, etc. W said she hadn't thought about any of that (!?!), didn't know how much was fair for her to ask for, seemed to get annoyed when the mediator asked her about her income. We don't have much so most was settled quickly. A few days later the mediator sent us an email wanting retirement account numbers, balances, and again mentioned STBXW''s thoughts on spousal support.

That was over a month ago. I contacted the mediator today to see where the paperwork was at. The mediator said she had not heard from W AT ALL despite repeated emails and phone calls (each one costing us money no doubt). We see the judge in less than a month. I told the mediator I'm at a complete loss to explain STBXW's behavior, not that I would even try at this point. Mediator said in the meantime she would draw up all paperwork assuming W was good with my suggested support numbers, etc. That is fine by me.

I went out of town a few weeks ago. When I got back, I noticed D15 was looking a little thin. She is a very slender young woman, but when she is sick or doesn't eat properly for some reason, she starts to look a little skeletal. I think she has just hit a growth spurt. I mentioned it to D15 and she said she hadn't noticed, thanked me for mentioning it, and hit me up for money for snacks! She just doesn't think about it and is concerned about being too thin. I txted W about it a little later and asked if she would help me keep an eye on D15 to get some meat on her bones. A year ago, W and I would have done just that, we would mention it to D, and monitored accordingly. No fuss about it.
STBXW said no, the kids know how to eat, D15 could take care of herself and she wasn't responsible for them eating. I was stunned, I replied that D15 does take good care of herself (I kind of see her point about no babying them I suppose), but she still relies on her parents for a lot. I then got to read in her follow up txt how I am a controlling @#@#%, was rude and disrespectful to W for at least 15 years, and how W was sorry she had to be nice to me now that she sees those years so clearly. But also that I have many admirable qualities and we just got married too young. Ahem, I'm not sure what that has to do with D15's bony rear, but okay. At the time I just thought to myself how glad I was to be divorcing myself from this. D15 looks a lot better BTW, eating larger portions and snacking.

One other thing; W's part time job with the school system ends this week. According to her dad and a friend, she has no prospects and doesn't seem to be at all worried about it. They told me because they are worried, I told them I was about as worried about it as STBXW, not my business anymore. I really do wish the best for her, but that doesn't really do much good in real life.

[Mtnman]

Thanks for the update JBolt. Glad to see you doing so well.

[JBolt]

Thank you snodderly and MM, I know this board isn't about people getting divorced (though that does happen a lot, even with appearently well exectued and consistant DB'ing). At first I saw the principles behind DB as a way to get my wife back (duh, that's what everyone thinks at first). I see the efforts I've made to break my co-dependence and focus on my feelings and needs very differently now. I'm still not there yet 100%, but boy am I feeling the momentum.

The mediator contacted me yesterday to see if STBXW had talked with me about our few outstanding issues since Monday. I reported as before that we really don't initiate any communications. The mediator sounded a little exasperated and said this had only happened very rarely in the past and wasn't sure how to proceed. She is a lawyer, but not MY lawyer or W's lawyer, so she really needs us to tell her what each of us will need, expect, and settle for in the divorce.

In any event, I told her I would contact W. I sent W a very neutral and business-like txt saying the mediator needs to hear from her at her earliest convenience, we are scheduled to go before the judge in less than a month and I want both of us to have plenty of time to review and agree with the settlement. I would like this to be done as cordially and quickly as possible. She txted back "Ok". So we will see. She's such a strange bird now, it's impossible for me to understand or predict her reactions.

Oh, and I got a dog yesterday!!! So excited.

J.

[JBolt]

BTW, looks like I'll be moving to Surviving the Big D soon. I plan to still keep up with sitches in Newcomers and especially MLC. I don't comment much, but I still learn a lot about both MLC and just basic human behavior, interaction and especially feelings and validation from reading the veteran advice. Going through this has certainly made me more in tune with how I interact with people and sometimes don't .