Thread title is a Foo Fighters song (seems fitting for all of us DBers).
So where to start...this is the second time I'm here, only this time it is better as W said she 100% rather than the previous 60%
Since she stated this, here are mini events of what has happened. She refriended me on FB / defriended OM without me having to say anything. She chose to put on her wedding ring. I followed suit the next day. We have ML a couple times. We have conquered many household projects, including reclaiming our bedroom (painting, cleaning, moved her bed into our bedroom), She asked me on an afternoon date yesterday, it went well.
We have generally been focusing on reestablishing an emotional connection with several convos re: what is "100%" (eg NC with OM, the need for reassurrance here and there, etc.).
So feel free chime in and offer thoughts as I / We begin down this path.
This is a key time, as you probably already know. Not sure yet if you put together your short list of "dealbreakers" ahead of time -- for the eventuality of this day coming at some point -- but only you know what they are. I usually encourage some combination of most of these:
1. No-contact letter sent to OM, the copy of which is to be approved by you and the letter itself is to be delivered by you (so that nothing is added or subtracted from it).
2. Full transparency. This means she changes her e-mail address(es) and gets a new one, and shares the password with you. Ditto with her cellphone bill -- detailed billing to YOU.
3. Full-panel STD test, the results shown to you (your sig says "EA/PA", so if there's even ANY doubt as to whether or not their relationship got physical, and you do NOTHING else -- do this).
4. Marriage counseling with a good MC/FT specifically trained in dealing with infidelity. Can't stress this one enough, but there are going to be things that are specific to both the formerly-cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse, that you each will need to help you recover your marriage.
5. Retrouvaille? It's excellent.
6. Absolutely 100% no-contact with OM. Any attempts he has at contacting her, she should tell you about.
I would encourage you to decide now -- ahead of time, and in the quiet of your heart, afa -- how many "strikes" you are going to allow as far as re-contact with OM goes. One, but only if she self-confesses? One, even if you have to find out about it but she tells you the truth when you ask her? Two? More/other?
Just like the "short list of dealbreakers" I mention above, this last item is something I encourage betrayed spouses to do AHEAD OF TIME, when you are calm. You don't want to be making potentially marriage- and life-altering decisions in the emotional "heat of the moment" one day when you find out your wife has re-contacted OM, and perhaps lied to you about it.
afa (((((((((( )))))))))) I am so so so happy to sad your update. congratulations. I will be following you and continue to offer big busting hugs.
I can't add to what Starsky has said, except to say DO WHAT HE SAYS! :-)
All the best.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Andrew, first of all, congratulations on your progress.
Second, after my H's affair, I applied Starky's advice to the T, but my H said he felt that he had no freedom. He felt he had no privacy. He ended up moving out to do whatever he wanted. I think your W is at a different place, but this is really new, and you have to wait a while to see if this 100% commitment is real. So my advice is to wait before having this type of conversations. As hard as it is.
I know Starsky has good advice, but its not a one size fits all type of thing.
Some people have real issues about being controlled, and my H was one of those, and so I DID NOT follow Starsky's advice but I think we are doing well now.
In DB/DR, the premise is you have to win back your spouse love and respect from the OP, not control them. why should it change when you get to piecing?
For me, one statement sufficed: I just let my H know that I will not stay in a M if he is being unfaithful. We are all grown up, he can choose either me or her.
If his choice is to cheat, and I find out, he suffers the consequence.
If he can't leave me, and the family, then no cheating.
But ultimately, we have to respect that they are adults with their own mind and choices.
and we also make our own choices, not bound by strict rules, but depending upon what we can and cannot accept in our hearts and minds, and how we view ourselves and respect ourselves as a person.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thank you all for the compliments, input, and ongoing support.
Fortunately I had read Starsky's advice for most prior to beginning to piece. So I have that head start. I'm doing somewhat of a slight modification as my W is one who hates to be controlled. For example, the night of my original post here, W's phone rings. She doesn't answer it and discloses that it was OM and he had been texting her with a "poor me" game as he claimed to be drunk at a bar in the afternoon b/c he is so upset that W continues to choose me. I was / am both impressed that she was honest and at the same time angry. W begged me not to "shut her out". So we talked about what NC means, including blocking OM / changing #s if need be, etc. She agreed, but did state she wants to do it herself for herself and it also will be a non control by me. Win win. Just need to verify here and there.
Based on Ws weird med condition (improved) she has had all sorts of tests ran on her. Is this verify scenario or should I go for a brand new std panel? Thoughts?
I like the idea of Retro. One is coming to my area in April.
Other highlights in the past few days... More physical affection (snuggling, kissing, etc.). She changed our R status to M on FB, she accepted my SIL as a friend. Best thing is she started with ILY. . Oh and we went to a yoga class together the other night. Can't wait for more of that.
It is not "controlling" to communicate to your wife what YOU need in order to feel safe in the relationship again, considering her prior infidelity.
As for the std panel, I'm a little unclear: if her other medical tests INCLUDED an std panel, then just ask for copies showing that she has a clean bill of health. If not, I would tell her you need this in order to resume sexual relations with her, considering, and that you very much WANT to and look forward to that again.
My general advice with a strong-willed person like your wife is just to give them a "This is YOUR mess, YOU need to clean it up" . . . and let HER show YOU what she's willing to do (change her cellphone #, etc.).
In other words, I don't like any approach that plays it down the middle. Either communicate what YOUR dealbreakers are, and hold steadfast to them (after all, they're YOUR boundaries, right?) . . . or do the generic "put the ball in her court" thing I mention above. And either those efforts she does will be sufficient for you . . . or they won't.
In DB/DR, the premise is you have to win back your spouse love and respect from the OP, not control them. why should it change when you get to piecing?
Because, the dynamic is totally different -- even opposite. Before, a wayward spouse would be "That's rich . . . you're telling me what it's going to take to get back together with you; who said I wanted to get back together??!"
In just about every successful "piecing" situation I've seen, it is the formerly-wayward spouse coming to the betrayed spouse and asking "What's it going to take to work at this, and for me to come back to the marriage?" When that happens, a betrayed spouse VERY MUCH should communicate what they need, because it's a moment of maximum leverage they may never get again, and it's "speak now or forever hold your peace," baby.
It's not "controlling" to communicate what YOU need in a relationship. In fact, it's loving and honest.
