Trying to Comprehend Non-Complience Post-D

[Yasu]

Hello,
Have not posted in awhile. Since that time, four year separated ended in difficult 3 day trial and divorce this past August, same month I lost my Mother.

No surprise about trial. However, it was scheduled for previous month of May, but XH was still refusing to produce tax returns from 2010. It took a Motion to Produce, and a Contempt of Court to finially get him to Pony Up these important documents - so our side could conduct business evaluation.

That aside, trial was pushed to August, and D was finialized in September. Of course, no one is ever happy when a third party has to divide assets. I especially am not exstatic, as I must depend on his alimony payments to support underwater assets, that there was no way to sell. Of course, he got the successful business (an IHOP restaurant).

As some of you may know, I am disabled, and suffer from a serious case of bi-polar 2, and range of other disorders that prevent me from working. The stress of the last four years, as well as what led up to the separation really pretty much did me in, but I am coming back, and have doubled up on my therapies, and am lucky to have excellent medical care.

I am moving in a forward direction with the agoraphobia issue, and have made a new girlfriend, Marissa, who is getting me out of the house. She has been a dream come true. I even got up the nerve to go with her to get the first pedicure of my life! She has had straight talk with me about my apprearance, and the "image" I project - in the manner and content of what I talk about. For instance, she told me, if she had not know I had a mental illness and took 15 different drugs, and was afraid to go out of the house most of the time, - her initial impression of me was that I appeared to be very "trendy chic in my style, and highly educated (and my statements about myself were incongruent with what she saw before her)." Therefore, I have been working on my self-talk - and not mentioning my personal health issues when I talk to people. I simply say I am simi-retired (not disabled). Also, we decided that "Trendy-Chic" is cute, but a more sophistacated look might be more appropriate for me at my age. Lots of progress here.

The reason I am posting, is that I am trying to comprehend my former husband's non-compliance with the Judge's Order of payments.

(1) The alimony payment due on the 1st of the month is coming later and later every month. This month the check did not arrive until the 10th, a late Thursday afternoon. I depositied Friday morning, but could not receive credit for check until next day in my account. What that meant was that two mortgages and a line of credit were going to be paid late. As well, on-line payments that were already scheduled red-lined (that, of course was my fault - as I expected the funds to be here).

One of the mortgage companies, that bought out Countryside (our original mortgage carrier), "Greetree Collection Agency," is especially aggressive. They begin their phoning and letter sending when the payment is not received on he first. It really causes me anxiety - as that company is very threatening.

(2) The judge also ordered, that an additional check of $1000 be sent to me on the 15th of the month for the next three years to assist me in paying down my legal fees. These payments were to start December 15. Thus far, no payments on this Order have been forthcoming.

(3) Judge order former husband to pay property taxes $3200 last October. He ignored, it went on my credit card instead.

As the attorney has put leins on everything I now own, I have some concerns about my bill at her firm. It would really be helpful to at least show some good faith payments. I have sent a reminder text to former husband several times. When 1/15/13 payment was not forthcoming, I actually made a call to him. To my complete astonishment, he actually picked up (my intent was to just leave a message). He stated it was too much money - and the figure he cited was off by $500. I just had to hang up the phone, call back and leave proper info on VM, cause it was so frustrating to even attempt a response when I heard him say the wrong amount was too much!

In a footnote at the bottom of page, I have written some other details of why I am "losing it" about the financial situation. But this post is really beyond the financial aspects of the relationship. I am actually trying to comprehend what this non-compliance in fufilling the Judge's Orders means in the post-divorce setting.

For instance, I can tell you, there is no reason in the world for this man to not pony up the money the Judge has ordered, period. Actually, he came out pretty darn good after a 27 year marriage. He has full ownership of a successful IHOP restaurant that will be paid off in 2 years. It nets over $200,000 per year (that we know about). What he is assigned to pay me is no more than he would have to pay out to an assistant manager.

So why? Why must I wait for the money that is rightfully mine to arrive in the mail late, or not at all? The assets (2 homes) I am supporting are underwater because we milked them to buy the restaurant that he now owns. In fact, I am responsible for paying one of the lines of credit on a loan for a down payment on the IHOP as well. I'm not complaining, that is what the Judge ordered. Again, when a third party divides assets, no one is happy. I get that.

I would like to know what this little game means. Because that is what it feels like, a little control game, meant to keep me engaged, when I'd prefer to be NC, for my own well being. I feel like when I have to contact him regarding my Court Ordered payments - I feel I have been manipulated into a "pursuit" position. Therefore, in the last contact, yeaterday, via text and email, I copied my former attorney. But even still - I feel strangely manipulated.

I tried everything, and we are divorced. He does not want to be married to me - he pushed this to a trial - would not mediate with us. Turned it into a complete legal nightmare. He was totally non-cooperative. 4 years protracted litagation. Now, I am scared for my future, that is one thing I can say for sure. And I certainly am not looking to him for any assistance. I just want what the Judge ordered.

I have dropped the rope. I am ok with this. But what do you do when the former husband is non-cooperative with the Judge's Orders? My therapist suggested filing a Contempt of Court on him. Yes, this would be some serious consequences. And, truthfully, I am a little squimish to carry this out. That says a lot - probably, that he still intimidates me, and that I don't want to make him angry at me. Is filing Contempt of Court charge considered Divorce Busting?

Perhaps too, I am emmersed in the game. Or too, am waiting for three months to go by so he will really look bad to the Judge. I'm not sure where I'm coming from.

I do know I am afraid of my financial future. I do see the reality of my health problem - and being alone with it is also very frightening. I know, while I have reached some dimension of detachment, that there is still some strange hope in my heart. But in my brain, I gave up after the trial was over. And the detachment has become easier and easier since the Final Decree. It is the late payments and lack of payment that seems to deminish my detachment somehow - or gets him back on my mind.

Does anyone understand out there? Any suggestions? Any interpretations of this un-necessary non-compliance with Judge's Order's? And late payments?

Thank you in advance for your consideration.


Married 27 Years (Together 32 Years)
4 years Separation
Divorce Final Sept. 2012

[Yasu]

I should indicate that I just realized that, filing contempt charges for ignoring Judge's Order would be an extreme for of the Last Resort Technique. It means I MEAN BUSINESS.

[Yasu]

It has occured to me in therapy that I have not filed the Contempt Charges with the Court perhaps because I don't want to make waves, I don't want to anger him, I don't want to make him want me less than he already wants me.

But really, asking for the money, via text, is a form of persuit - that takes me away from my NC. It is about the new Court Order - for the payments of December, and January - not receiving them at all.

Even though the late alimony payments yanked my chain, I knew they would get here - and no contact was necessary. But crap, I broke the no contact for this new Court Order he is ignoring - and I am getting crazy again.

The months of NC prior and after the divorce we really helpful to me - keeping my mind on my own business - I did not obsess about him after the divorce at all. An acceptance came over me, I was so glad it was over with.

But I have regressed. Thee is really no alternative but to take the Contempt action. I need the funds, period. End of story. In a way - filing the Contempt feel like a Pursuit. But, according to therapist, it is a consequence. Jeez.

I completed some very dificult paperwork today, (I've been avoiding it for months). IT'S DONE! A task completed successfully! My new friend Marissa is acting as a coach! She challenged me! It is great to have a girlfriend right here in town. We are going out tomorrow nite to a nearby place where they play Trivia and have Mexican Food. I have not been to a but twice restaurant in four years. Can you believe that? Well, things are changing - GAL I guess it is called.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't think it's designed to make you contact him so much as simply to disrespect you and ignore the court's orders. It's as if the law does not apply to him.

HE is special and HE has his wants and HE does not have to do what he does not want to do...but he does.


I think in the long run, you'll reduce conflict & any need for contact, by enforcing the court orders now, asap. I don't see any choice in the matter. Do you?

If it were me, and my h missed a payment, I'd RUN to the lawyer's office and get a contempt order. It'll mean you won't have to keep wondering every month if the money is coming,

it'll mean FEWER questions and fewer conflicts and less need for negative contact, by enforcing it now. Not with ANY texts or messages to him "asking" for what is owed you...

but completely through the court system. As if an external "legal" entity is doing it, which would be true. Your L will be motivated to enforce it b/c it's the only way they'll get paid anyhow.

You are not really doing him or you a favor by letting it slide.

You're letting him do what he wants, and it's disrespectful of you. I actually think you might be more respected if you were to get the court to hold his feet to the fire. And why wouldn't you do that anyhow?

What is "easier" about calling him and hoping he does not pick up, or texting him and then waiting to see what HIS reaction is?

The idea that he'll love you more or hate you less, b/c you let him ignore a court order is just more conflict avoidance on your end, imo. That has not served you well.

It is possible to Stand up for yourself without getting emotional or angry at him. Just call the lawyer. Sure, it'll cost something ---but in the long run you'll save/make money by enforcing the law.

If you keep letting him pay IF and when and how much HE wants...you'll suffer more financially AND emotionally. You already have.

And you'll get angry and bitter and you'll both spend more in court b/c he'll fight a huge built up amount. Don't let it build up. Enforce the court order with your lawyer while the amount isn't overwhelming.


Ask yourself how much money You can afford to give him and his present or future OWs...b/c that's what you are doing by letting him pay if/when/how much he feels like. He'll spend it on himself or OWs...not you.

He is betting your conflict avoidance and fears will prevent you from standing up for yourself. I say, you call his bet.

And I'm glad you made a new friend. I love the term "semi retired" much more than "disabled". Good idea.

[Yasu]

Thank goodness your reply came when it did. I was weakening. But do have the Trivia date with Marissa and a whole NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS to meet at the Trivia game tomorrow. U know this may beweird, but I do have this psychic talent, and have been helping Marissa's daughter. God has been speaking thru me. I hate this talent. I am beyond this kind of thing, as I am a scientist, and trained reseacher, with a Ph.D. But if this peculiar gift helps someone -well, let them have it! We have been texting about it all evening, and it has kept my mind off of obsession - and they feel positive guidence, and are loving me, why should I stay isolated? And all her friends are so anxious to meet me for a reading! Oh dear!

But, to our matter at hand. You have given me the best advice, just in time. I tell you, I was getting weak. I do avoid conflict. I do not want to angler him, all of this is true. But it is also true is is swimming is cash, at least 200,000 a year due to a lifetime of my work, and my brains to set him up in a franchise, and he did not even graduate the 5th grade in his country.

You r right, so right in your post. He is just trying the system, and assumes I will do nothing.

I'm already in trouble with the original divorce attorney as I owe her $120,000. So - ya know, I sort of need those payments, as x-attorney is in process of screwing me out of up front awards I was granded (thru deception, of course).

I have saved and retained a new attorney, that appears trustworthy. I see him this upcoming Tuesday, and will file Contempt at that time. No more text, no more request, no more nothing. Like you said, he does not think the law applies to him. Also, this opens up the case again - and the Judge will learn that he HAS AN EXTENSION OF 5 YEARS TO RE-MODEL THE RESTAURANT. Yes, Judge didn't know that during divorce this summer. It was a big boo-hoo about the REQUIRED REMODEL.

It is really helpful, though, that I remain in control of the emails from the franchise. And I see the offer for a 5 year extension on this "required re-model" that seemed to be such a monkey on his back during the trial. And the judge feel for it, and factored the cost of re-model into settlement. He is such a damn liar. IHOP always gives extensions! Big extensions! They need you to keep running the place! I suppose a hearing is an opportunity to discuss that fact, isn't it? Well, he opened the door.

THANK YOU 25 for responding to me - before I made some stupid mistake. I really perceived texts for my money as "pursue" behavior. But there were some nasties at least = such as "PONY UP THE DOUGH!" I wasn't a total wimp!

I'll keep ya posted on my GAL - cause that's just as important! Thank you again for responding to me! Y

[Yasu]

Well, I met the challenge of my new coach and girlfriend, Marissa. I got the livingroom totally cleaned up by appointed time.

We met at neighborhoor bar/restaurant with her friends. It ended up where I was doing psychic readings for her friendss. which is fine. but it does cross the line when they start putting the cell phone photographs in my face to "read." I am just a human being.

To top it off, my new friend, that has been such an inspiration, Marissa, she got totally bombed, drunk. That is not what I am accostostomed to in public - if I go in public at all. She was so bloody druck - she had to go forcibly puke in the bathroom a couple times.

She was drinking some kind of drink that looked like pink grapefruit juice, she wanted me to try - and I said "no way!" I stick with 1 or 2 at most glasses of wine and really that is pushing it. I mean I haven't been out in forever@

I guess all the psychic reading crap took a toll on me. I did a good job, but that kind of stuff takes energy.

Oh dear. What do you have to do to GAL?

[Yasu]

I did something dumb that set me back. I cannot believe how badle it set me back - I have been so sad, and have been sleeping for two days at least. Tomorrow, will change, as I have to go see the attoney, and file the Contempt of Court of former husband.

Well, this is what happened. My friend marissa, suggested I give him one last chance to pay me. She suggested I present the matter diffently, such as:

I could be in Comtempt if I don't make the payments to my old attorney, and she knows I am supposed to be getting that extra money for legal fees.

Anyway, we determined I actually call and try to explain it from that angle - that I could end up in trouble myself - cause this attorney is really pisst off that she did not win any fees, and I don't have any money. She's putting leins on everything.

Well, I didn't get the chance to do this thing, which was a stupid idea anyway. But what I learned - really upset me. He had his number changed! That really shocked me. I have only called him one time about this money issue. All other times it has been text.

It felt really like a slap in the face. I mean I'm trying to prevent him from trouble, and he changes his phone number. What an azz hole. It really hurt my feelings.

All the four years of separation, and my crazy calls - and I begged him to change his number - and he would not change. I even sent him two years worth of payment to put parental blocking system on his phone to block my number, and he just kept my moeny and didn't do it.

Now, I am just asking for my money, no drama, and now he finially changes the number. And there were no excessive phone calls, just a reminder text every week.

Truthfully, I felt really rejected, like he slammed the door in my face. And I got kind of upset the last few days with anxiety. But took the xanex and just sleep it off.

I did stop smoking. I am up to 6 days now. I quit for 20 years and started a few years ago. But need to stop it, so that is one good thing to report.

Tommorrow is differnt. I have to get up early, fix myself up nice, be downtown at attorney by 10:30, and have my act together. I have therapy in the afternoon.

This is the third day I have wasted. I will have to turn it around tomorrow - have to. I waited a long time for this appointment. Too late for him now.

[Yasu]

Darn. I'm all dressed and ready to go to attorney - and they called and re-scheduled for Thursday morning. What a pain.

I've been sleeping way too much - but for once I am up, clean styled hair, and dressed to kill. And it is not even 10:30 yet.

I'll try to think of somewhere to go. And come back to report later. Yas

[sandycay]

In my state the Department of Children Services can collect spousal support as well as child support....something worth looking into...as they collect the money straight from his paycheck