So I'm racking my brain tryin to figure out how can I 180 some of the things my wife said were my faults.
1) Be more involved with the kids. The only possible thing I can think of is to just go out and get my own place and move out of my parents even though I would hate to have to break a lease if she decided to let me back home.
2) Show more "love" to her 2 daughters. She felt as though I never really loved her 2 daughters like she loved my 3. And that I was stricter to the oldest (16) the. I was to the others.
3) put her first before anyone else.
I ask these questions because I know I need to detatch and GAL for Me, but if I am also suppose to 180 those bad things as well how can I do that and show her than my small changes are consistent if we don't live in the same household and if we're not really on speaking terms other than when she wants/needs something or for our D(5)?
Not much action today other than trying to figure out how to 180 some of the items my wife has mentioned is her faults with me. Some of which I know I can change others I don't know where to begin or how she will notice these changes.
I know in the end these changes have to start with me not because they are a means to get her back but because I know that I need to better myself.
Went to support group tonight and it was hard hearing others stories of how long they have been married and now are in the process of divorce or have already gotten divorced. I almost felt like buying 12-15 copies of DR to hand out at the next meeting in case someone wants it.
He asked me how long was I willing to wait, told him I was unsure. But that I haven't exhausted every avenue so right now I don't want to file.
Your journal entries are not really DB'ing, but more of a "dear diary". As far as I can tell you're just rolling through life and not doing a thing to work on yourself which is what you need to do if you want to have any hope of restoring your marriage. Try and keep your journaling focused on your faults in the marriage, your 180's, what you're actively doing to restore the marriage and how your W is responding to that. It's OK to talk about your GAL activities although I'm really questioning a divorce group as being a beneficial GAL activity. You mention that you "haven't exhausted every avenue", but as far as I can tell you haven't even gone down a single avenue yet!
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So I'm racking my brain tryin to figure out how can I 180 some of the things my wife said were my faults.
1) Be more involved with the kids. The only possible thing I can think of is to just go out and get my own place and move out of my parents even though I would hate to have to break a lease if she decided to let me back home.
Why do you need your own place? Take them to the park. Take them out to eat. Take them to a movie. Play board games with them. Sign them up for scouts, or sports. Take them to volunteer at a soup kitchen. Get them out, get involved with them!
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2) Show more "love" to her 2 daughters. She felt as though I never really loved her 2 daughters like she loved my 3. And that I was stricter to the oldest (16) the. I was to the others.
You can do this by involving them in the above activities.
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3) put her first before anyone else.
What does that look like to you? How can you tell if there's progress? How do you measure that progress? Try and break it down into measurable goals.
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I ask these questions because I know I need to detatch and GAL for Me, but if I am also suppose to 180 those bad things as well how can I do that and show her than my small changes are consistent if we don't live in the same household and if we're not really on speaking terms other than when she wants/needs something or for our D(5)?
Detach doesn't mean abandon. It means you pull back and give her time and space, but you do so lovingly. Here's an article on detachment that someone else posted today:
As far as not being in the same household, many of us are not. Your 180's will get back you your wife anyway. I promise you, if you start reaching out to the kids and getting more involved with them your W will definitely know about it. The kids will excitedly fill her in on every detail.
Hi Juanton, I will be honest and say I "skimmed" through your story. I would highly recommend that you write small 3-5 sent paragraphs. Thank those who repond to you by name and respond to other people's posts. The best time is during the week. Weekends, everyone's busy. This will help you so that more people stop by your thread.
If you haven't already done so, read veteran's advice to others. You will know who they are by the advice they give out.
Look through other's threads that share a similar story to your own. Follow them since they will be your biggest supporters!
About the Divorce group. I was a part of one and did it as a GAL myself. However the advice they give isn't really aligned with DB. I found 12 step programs (eg. Al Anon) to work more along the lines of DB.
Also, go through your book and jot down ideas and questions here. Everyone here has been in your shoes, emotionally.
Take care of Juanton!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My wife came over tonight to file our taxes since I have always filed them every year. At first I could tell she is overwhelmed with her uncle and the she was made power of attorney. As she spoke I looked her directly in her eyes so she knows that I am paying attention, since one of her complaints was that I never listened to her. Even while I was working on the taxes if she would speak to me I would stop what I was doing and face her and give her my undivided attention.
While I was preparing the taxes my wife asked me if after the loan we took out to repair the truck was paid if I would be willing to remove my name from the truck so she knows that I wouldn't try and screw her over and leave her with nothing. I kindly and softly said to her that" tonight was not the night for that type of conversation" just because I didn't want it to turn ugly or whatnot.
My wife was surprised though because we still have 3 bills in both of our names and she asked how would we split our refund. I told her that I would have total of those 3 bills plus her half deposited into her account and my half into my account, but what surprised her is when I said " I trust you". She said that she would show ,e a receipt or bill statement to show it has been paid. And I said don't bother" I trust you." And then she replied but you never trusted me before.
2 things though happened during our interaction that surprised me but I kept calm and kept my cool and didn't try and read into it more at the time but now puzzles me. Maybe someone can help me understand or maybe there is nothing to understand.
1) at one point my wife made the comment that her bruises from the accident happened to be spreading and then she showed me some bruises on her stomach and sides, but what was weird is then she showed me one around the downstairs lady parts.
2) as my wife left she asked me if I wanted her to call me when she got to her uncles which is about. 10 hour trip so that way I know she and her cousin made it and is safe. All I could think of at the time was to look her in the eyes and say "that's up to you."
