What if this is as good as it gets ????

[SunnyBurst]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Why are you going through with the D? Oh…I know, you are pissed off that she is with an OM. I get it I totally do. I agree with your position of….no contacting OM while you are in the house, etc. That said, IMO, you rang the divorce bell thinking it would “shake her as* back to reality”, which I understand; however at the core it is manipulation on your part. Why? You are spinning right now….you keep thinking that somehow you can talk your way out of this, that somehow you can TELL HER what she can and can not do. FTR, IMO, you cannot TELL HER. Your actions should be doing all of the talking – not your words. That is why I said ealier STFU. Stop talking to her. Right now, you are not in an emotional place to have a conversation with you. Consider this…1) chances are she is going to LIE to your face, which is going to piss you off even more. 2) She has told you how she felt, which is that she is no longer in love with you. So do you think you are going to be able to talk her back into being in love with you? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Yes you're right I am trying to get her to look at her behavior Eric believe me - I wish I could go back to Monday I wish I could go back for a lot of things but I can't and I can't keep beating myself up for it now
She made an appointment with a lawyer I suggested a mediator so she cancelled her appointment with the lawyer and we are going to the mediator Tuesday - you keep talking about my actions what should my actions be - act like I won't go to the mediator - Act like I will take whatever u dishes out ??



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>As for telling her parents, that is your call. I not saying NOT to nor am I saying to do it. My only comment would be….if you are gonna do it YOU better be in the position of “holding on to your nuts and standing your ground”. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Not gonna do it.

>>>>>>>>Who filed for the divorce? Who contacted the mediator? <<<<<<<< answered above.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>You are at a crossroads buddy….personally I would do the following, but that is me and you are not me...so you need to do what works for YOU:
1) If you pay for her cell phone – cut it off. Period. Just turn it off. If she does not like it she can purchase her own plan.<<<<<<<<<

I don't she does.

>>>>>>>>>>>>9) Stop snooping, stop treating her like your property. If you do not want something done i.e. no texting OM while she is in the house – then cut off the phone! My point, say what you need to say ONCE and then act on it!<<<<<<<<<<<

I can't cut off the phone

>>>>>>>>10) Finally…….you are afraid right now….it is all over your post. Stop being afraid! You will survive this…how though…is all up to you. <<<<<<<<

I am trying Eric - I blew this up into the sky now I sit in the wake - my familu and marriage is gone because I lost my temper now I have to live with that how can I not be afraid

>>>>>>>Now…what is the game plan?<<<<<<<<<<

Mediator Tuesday I will keep you posted

>>>>>>>>Are you in the garden state?<<<<<<<<

No

[SunnyBurst]

Eric do you suggest I postpone the mediator appointment ???

[ericmsant2]

Sunny

I wish I could go back to Monday I wish I could go back for a lot of things but I can't and I can't keep beating myself up for it now

You can’t change the past BUT you can CHANGE YOUR future. To do so, you must LEARN from the past. Notice that YOUR anger wrote a check that you’re a*s is not ready to cash. So do yourself and favor and learn from it! Remember Sunny, the only one YOU can control is YOU. That includes your anger, your words and YOUR ACTIONS. Stop beating yourself up over the past. Ya can’t redo it! So as much as it may suck to hear this..err read this…. – GET OVER IT! Forgive yourself and cut yourself a little slack….just don’t do it again. The time for you to speak will come…right now is not that time.

Yes you're right I am trying to get her to look at her behavior

I get that…your words cannot make her look at her behavior, YOUR actions though CAN! The first action is to please stop talking to her about the D.

She made an appointment with a lawyer I suggested a mediator so she cancelled her appointment with the lawyer and we are going to the mediator Tuesday

IMO, you can’t “stop” going to the mediator. You can though be very clear on what it is that YOU want. You can try and delay this. For example, plan to be at work on the mediation appt day and reschedule it. Bottom line, the more you try to stop her the more she will want to move forward. Think of it this way, YOU do not want a divorce – that is how YOU FEEL, it is what YOU want. She on the other hands WANTS a divorce. She wants something different from what you want. Who is right? Personally, both of you in a way. She is right to FEEL the way she FEELS and YOU are RIGHT for feeling the way you FEEL. IMO, you need to figure out what it is that YOU can live with and WHY. So Sunny….WHY do you want to remain married to her?

you keep talking about my actions what should my actions be - act like I won't go to the mediator - Act like I will take whatever u dishes out ??

IMO, your actions should be of a man that respects himself, his wife and his family. I am not here to tell you what to do. That is your call. I can point out what I see in your post but everyone sitch is different. That said, I’ll try to answer your question with a little more detail. First, a man that respects himself would not even consider….. “act like I will take whatever u dish out”. You are not a victim unless you want to be one. You can always leave or throw her as* out (regardless of what the laws are – you may have consequences but it is still YOUR choice). So respect yourself and HER. Firm boundaries. Clear accountability. Second, …”a man that respects his wife”. I am not suggesting that you sit back while she is f*cking billy bob. Nope. I am though saying that you can be clear on what you will allow in YOUR life in a respectful way. For example: A comment like “while you are in a relationship with another man – you will not have one with me. Please pack your belonging and leave. This is not a healthy enviornment for this family, especially Sunny Jr”. Saying this in a firm yet calm tone is very different than telling her “ you CAN’T go OUT” or screaming at her. Finally, “ a man respects his family”…. IMO, in order to respect your family you must first respect yourself and your W. Your actions should be that of confidence, of conviction over what YOU will and WILL NOT allow in your life. It should not matter what I say or anyone else. So Sunny, my point is that your actions should speak. You should not be afraid to go to the mediator!

I asked you in an earlier post questions… what is your plan. Do you really want to keep working two jobs? Do you really want to move out of your house?

You are operating in fear – complete and utter fear, which I understand having been there myself. Until you can face the fear, which means face the fact that your W may divorce you – you will continue to act in a manner that is fearful. Dude, my heart aches for you man because I know how you feel and what you are going through……I wish I can shake you and get you to realize that you really will be okay that the only way to get her back is to really let her go and focus on you. Let her go Sunny…be firm on what it is that you want and RESPECT her choices. She wants to be with OM – fine. You focus on what you want in your life. You want to keep standing for your M. Then do it. Why change what you want for her.

Eric do you suggest I postpone the mediator appointment

You can try...but the reason, at least what you should tell her, is that you need to gather some additional info in order to make the meeting as useful as possible. If she says "no"...well then please don't go begging - nope - a simple fine. I will see you Tuesday will suffice. Please Sunny....keep your mouth and emotions under control.

What state are you in?

Eric

[trainthruhell]

Sunny:

I agree. I FEEL for you man I really do, but take some breaths. Quit beating yourself up over things you have done or not done in the past, you can't change them and you need to move forward. I did not say "move on" (which you may have to do anyway), but "move forward" - work on yourself and take care of little sunny. The only thing you can control is your reaction to things that happen. You are on a tightrope and every so often you'll lose balance and fall off. It's OK, just dust yourself off, get back on, and learn from the experience, however, don't beat yourself up over it - Move Forward!

You really think just because you became upset and vented at her she decided that this was it. You're on the crazy train and you are not driving.

You are in a personal crisis, I would suggest a therapist for just you, weekly if not more until this sitch subsides or you can deal with it from strength. Therapy should be focused on you, not the marriage. You need to mend you.

[trainthruhell]

What state are you in anyway (as in location, not mental)?

[SunnyBurst]

New York

[SunnyBurst]

I don't think I want to postpone this as much as I don't want a divorce I feel for myself I need to make a decision.
Last night she met with the OM and she didn't hide the fact last night i walked in she told me our son is at the top of his class i saud great she said XXXX is still awake i went up to say goodnight she said i am gonna i am not really speaking with her I think what she is doing is disgusting
So I am gonna go to the mediator and I am not gonna fight this anymore I told her I don't think it's good for our son for her to be dating calmly and I asked her if she wants to continue this I think she should leave calmly and nicely
She told me go f myself soooo
Lets face it what's left she has no feeling respect kindness or compassion for me I would love to reconcile but I don't see the point anymore what else can I do at this point
I have GAL look great feel great my son now wakes up at 1:30 every night and comes into bed with me asking where is mommy
Eric we can not keep the house because we both need a place to live plus I don't want to sell it but since we are divorcing we can not
I don't think anything will be signed or finalized at the mediators office so I will just go and discuss seperation for now I hate that I couldn't keep my mouth shut
But like u said Eric it's too late for that now the check I don't want to cash has been written

[SunnyBurst]

Tomorrow is the mediator appointment - I decided not to change it - Eric you said something that hit me VERY hard - FEAR - DON'T BE AFRAID OF GOING TO THE MEDIATOR - you are right I am SOOO TIRED of being afraid - I will face this head on - make the plan that I think works bust for little Sunny and we will see - when you finally start making decisions instead of living in limbo things seem to feel better - facing tomorrow with peace in my heart and my head held high.

[SunnyBurst]

Mediator just called to cancel appt got called into court - will call next week to reschedule oye

[job]

Sunny,
Sorry to hear that the meeting has been canceleld, but it gives you another week to calm down and put your business hat on.

I know it's tough, but you've got to go into that meeting wearing your business hat....emotions can't enter that room while you are discussing settlement, funds, child custody issues, etc.

Hang in there!