New Day Rising 3

[job]

GWN,
I'm glad you posted. You sound more grounded these days. You will have good days and bad days for a while.

As for his mother, she sounds like a piece of work. Who is she to tell you that your marriage was not to be? I don't think I would respond to her email for a very long time, if ever.

Your xh is fragile and yes, kindness and compassion are what is needed when dealing w/someone who is going through mlc or life changes. The journey isn't about us at all, but about them.

From what you've posted, he's starting to work on some of his issues and I'm glad he's on medication to help him sleep. He's still got a ways to go, but you already are aware of that.

When I read the end of your posting, I thought to myself "GWN, you and your xh are now beginning a genuine friendship and it's nice to see that he appreciates you checking in."

GWN, you've grown by leaps and bounds and have been an excellent example of patience and compassion. Your xh doesn't realize just how lucky he is to still have you in his life. I do hope that he will finish up his crisis and come to realize that he was not the reason his authority figures treated him the way that they did as a child. I hope that he will mature and become the man he was destined to be.

Take care.

[greatwhitenorth]

This brought tears to my eyes, Snodderly. Thank you. And I hope you're healing we'll from your surgery!

[greatwhitenorth]

Why am I so sad again?

I check in with my husband every few weeks, as I promised him, to make sure he's OK as he undertakes his healing journey. Instead of texting me back he now phones me. He's been writing and seeing a therapist to deal with his issues. I don't ask him the details. Every conversation he'll ask me something about his daughter. He'll also always tell me how wonderful it is to talk to me.

I had resolved myself to the idea of divorce not because its what I want but because I'm lonely and crave sharing my life with somebody. He and I have never talked about us. Anytime previously that I brought it up he would say to forget about my marriage. I'm painfully gun shy now.

So he seems to be on the mend, I'm feeling all the hurt that I thought I'd resolved, we haven't discussed our marriage and I'm afraid to bring it up. What is this fresh pain all about? It is obvious that we care very much for each other, but is this simply a friendship? I can't live with that. I suspect he's not with OW anymore but don't know for sure and when she crosses my mind I get so angry. I guess the other side of this is that he doesn't really ask me how I am or what's happening in my life, except when he reached out in january to make sure I wasn't crying anymore.

What is this all about and what action if any should I take? Our mutual kindness and caring is eating away at my patience.

[AJM]

I'm feeling all the hurt that I thought I'd resolved

It this statement that makes me think your H is truly on the mend. I suspect you are a reflection of that healing. Except you still have hurt to and anger to deal with, even if you thought you had.

When reading on other areas of the board, I've noticed this type of trend. I've noticed it to some degree with my own situation, although mine is just an angry bees nest still. But as changes occur, I find myself suddenly dealing with something I *thought* I had put to rest. In my case, I take that as a sign that I have more to detach from. In yours, I think that is not as helpful.

I think you're going to get your answers and closure, GW. But it won't be for a while. I think in the meantime, you'll need to continue as you are and trust that friendship is not all you're going to get. I don't think you'll allow that as your relationship anyway.

Hang in there, GW. Hang in there.

AJ

[rosesarered]

Thank you GWN for posting your story in great detail. I am glad to see your H is working on his issues. Even though its going to take longer, it appears to be a positive sign.

You are probably feeling sad again because you have a little bit of hope again. After 18 months, you probably locked that all up. Now that things are changing a bit, you may be feeling hope again.
I go weeks on end with doing ok, then something comes up that give me a bit of hope, and then I feel sad again.

Hang in there, you have come so far. Its good that you put a timeline in place.

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks AJ and RaR. Appreciate you chiming in.

AJ, I do hope I get some kind of answer or closure, and that it comes from him on his own steam rather than some malignant fading to black that will always trouble me, or a result of my efforts. He has said many times that he's sorry for hurting me, but I think he's feeling guilt not sorrow. I see being sorry as having a component of remorse and wanton to fix things, but I've not seen remorse. I might never.

RaR, I'm not sure if its hope I'm feeling or fear. All those adolescent fears of not being good enough play into it, as does the fear that the care and respect we have for each other isn't enough, that our marriage isn't worth a second thought. But then I suppose that means we want and value different things. I fear that is the case.

His daughter called me yesterday really excited to tell me about a conversation she had with one of her profs at university. She didnt call her dad or her mom, she called me. She knew how happy if be for her and wanted to share it with me as a result. It made me happy. I wonder sometimes how h sees or thinks about my relationship with his daughter. I hope that's somehow important and valuable to him.

Anyway, dirty old daylight savings time is painful this year! So tough getting out of bed. Hopefully that'll pass in a week or so. Loving the warmer temperatures though!

[greatwhitenorth]

I have been crying on and off all day.

I am so horribly lonely deep down in the bottom of my soul.

I am scared that I'll miss out on so much because I have no one to experience things with, and I'm just tired of doing those things alone. I want someone to share my life and nature and beautiful experiences with. I want someone who shares the same enthusiasm for a day on the lake, or a hike in the woods. I want to connect on a meaningful level but I don't know how. It was so hard to let my husband in and look where that got me.

I am also scared that I'll spend the rest of my days alone. If that is to be the case, then I want them to be few. I only had one other serious relationship apart from my marriage, and the likelihood is that my life will continue that way. I am a kind, thoughtful, generous, successful person, but that, it appears, is not enough. I don't know how to share my deepest hopes and fears because they scare me and because doing that only pushes people away. I was conditioned through my upbringing to believe and behave as if I am not worthy, not deserving, solely responsible for me, and never entitled to love. I just don't trust and am paralyzed by the fear of having to go through this pain again. But I want real love so badly.

There are days that I just don't want to go on. Most weekends I wish I could sleep them away and wake up on Monday morning to go to work. I hear from nobody in a meaningful way on the weekends, and am tired tired tired of being the person who has to do all the reaching out. When I pass over the train tracks near my house some days I just wish a train would come along at just the right moment.

The loneliness is killing me. I can't talk to my friends or family about this because they don't deserve to hear it and what would it change. I've seen several counsellors, but the appointments always tend to happen when I'm feeling ok or else I'm objective about my emotions and just explain them away. They never seem to ask the probing questions. Or maybe I hide my pain well.

I don't know why I'm posting this here. Maybe because at the root of it all is my husband's abandonment of me. I looked into selling my house and it'll be difficult. The house on the corner has been for sale about a year. And what would that change anyway? I guess I'd encounter more people that way and have easier access to things to do, but it won't fix the loneliness. I really just want to turn back the clock to before my husband and I met, before we married, before we moved to the country. I've never shared my pain or sorrow with him because I always hoped he'd come home. I've realized now that this is just prolonging an emotional investment in a relationship that is over. Maybe it's akin to Stockholm syndrome...I've been making excuses for what my husband. I've been his biggest defender first because his actions were some completely off the wall and out of character (or maybe the good person I married wasn't him at all. Maybe the real him is the amoral lying, cheating wife abandoner. But that's not what the abuse survivor sites tell me.), and later because he told me what happened to him. But really, it doesn't make what he did OK. I still hurt a lot some days. I believe there's healing value in having the person who hurt you face what they did. He thinks I'm OK because that's what I tell him so he won't worry and to DB, but I'm not OK. And as long as I bury this I fear I won't heal.

But none of this changes the fact that I am so unbelievably lonely and isolated that I often want to die so the pain of it will stop. And I cope with it alone because I can't tell anybody.

Sorry for being a complete downer. I just had to reach out somewhere.

[AJM]

GWN, I don't think you're being a complete downer. I think you are being honest and sincere. I honestly appreciate that.

In the past, I've felt that way as well. That was mostly when things were just getting started. At the time, it felt like it would last forever. I tried AD's - that didn't work for me. It had the opposite effect and I loathed that. For me, in the end it came down to the choice of either laying down and fading away, or facing my fears. I chose the latter and I'm glad I did. It has not been easy, no matter what I have told others. It has been a lot of work. Each day.

For me it wasn't the abandonment, it was the hatred. I don't know why exactly, but that hurt more than anything. Along the way, I've felt like I would be alone. Like I couldn't tell anyone. I did anyway and let them figure out what they were going to do with that information. Some were receptive and listened. Others can't comprehend either because they lack experience or because they are too afraid to deal with those kinds of issues.

I hear ya. What is it you do to feel better? Nature walks? Hang out in crowds? Something else?

AJ

[uRworthy]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am concerned for you.

This is such hard stuff. Really hard.

I know that you have tried therapists, but keep trying. It took me four to get to amazing one I found.

You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I hear you on how you grew up. I understand it.

I think you need to get out of the country and put yourself among people. Put the house up for sale and see what happens. You can always change your mind.

The only way to do this, is though it. And it is up to you to change your life.

Dont worry right now about whether you will be alone. No one knows what the futures holds. Right now you need to concentrate on getting yourself back on track.

Please make some calls. You can do this.

[uRworthy]

Are you ok, GW?

I want you to know that I'v been thinking about you. It pains me to think you feel that life is not worth living.

There are glorious things to experience. You said yourself you are a kind, thoughtful, generous person and those things matter a great deal.

I know you've been hurt by what your h did. I do. But, you really have to try really hard to change your mindset. And the way to start is to believe that you are worthy, G. Each and everyone of us are.

Dont discount your family and friends, G. People who care about you want to help. And if they dont, then reach out and try to find someone you can talk to.

Please post so I know you are doing ok.