New Day Rising 3

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi all

Figured I'd pop in and give a little update and maybe get some feedback.

2013 has been great so far. I love my new job, although it is quite busy. I met with a real estate agent, and have decided I'm not going to sell my house yet. Not particularly interested in losing a pile of money, plus I hate moving and have adjusted to the daily commute.

My husband sent me a Merry Christmas text and a happy new year text, which was nice. They both came early in the morning so clearly he was thinking about me first thing.

And then things got a little...sticky. I had asked him where the boat was stored, because the separation agreement says it's to be kept on my property. Either he told me the wrong name or I misheard him, but I decided I'd do a little drive by, only to find that the boat wasn't where I thought it was. Of course I suspected the worst, that he'd lied, so I texted him to ask him if there's anything he wanted to tell me about the boat. He said no, then we discussed its location and he told me where it was. We didn't discuss fault because it really doesn't matter. What matters is my suspicion and mistrust. I hate feeling that way. It was this that made me say with finality the following morning that he has to get my name off the loan. I can't do it anymore.

So his initial reaction was anger. He said "fine, you take on the payments and sell the boat." I said, calmly, that no I won't be doing that. Then he moved into saying we have to wait until spring because we don't have any pictures. I said that I have pictures. Then he said that we won't get much for it now, and I said that I would be going with the number in the separation agreement and that we shouldn't use a broker. We ended the call with his resignation to having a conversation with his bank in a couple of weeks.

A few minutes later he called me back asking if this was about the winter storage misunderstanding. I said no, that it was about my reaction, that I don't like feeling suspicious and mistrusting, and that he's been gone almost 18 months now, and that I've been in this house alone longer than we were in it together and it's time for me to move on. I cried a bit when I said this, and he choked up too. We ended our call.

A few minutes later he called back again and said that he knows I'm not doing this to be mean, and that he understands that I need to just move on. I told him I love him and want him to have everything he needs in life to be happy, and cut the call short by telling him I was out the door to pilates.

So three days later he texted me to see how I'm doing. I texted back that I was at the gym and would contact him later. About three hours later I texted him that mostly I'm good, but that this whole thing makes me sad. I said that after 18 months I've done all I can and have to pack it in.

I asked him how he's doing. He said that he's ok, but was making sure that I was because he doesn't like to hear me cry. He thanked me for helping with the boat.

I told him that I didn't know what to say, that I'd cried an ocean of tears. At this point I also told him about his mother saying "maybe he found his soul mate" when he cheated on me and that she helped him leave. He had no idea, only that she was very mad with him. I find this quite strange. I said I didn't know why I felt the need to tell him this now, maybe it's that I had nothing to lose. He said he didn't know what to say, and I told him there was nothing, that I was only painting a clearer picture of what I had to contend with, that she abandoned me too.

He thanked me about the boat again, and said he knows I have done all I can. I asked him what he thought I meant by that, and he said it means that I need to move on with my life, from the pain, and that I tried to give him more time and now I need to be totally apart, no ties.

In response I told him that I have supported him from afar, preserved his relationship with his daughter, been kind and generous, not begged or pressured, defended him to people who love me, and yes helped him with the boat. I wish I had said that I had hoped he would see what kind of mistake he is making, but I don't think it matters. He probably realizes that.

He said that yes, I have done all of that and (this is the kicker) still helped him in dealing with his issues (he has books I bought for myself since he told me about it after he left, and has opened up to me a little bit at a time since then). All he can say is thank you, that I have done so much.

At this point in our 45 minutes of texting, he called me. We talked for about 20 minutes then. It was I think the nicest, most open and honest, closest and trusting conversation we've ever had. We didn't talk about us, except the boat a little bit, but mostly about what he's going through. He said he's asked for a transfer at work, that it would mean working stat holidays but that he didn't care. It's really negative there now and he's sick of it. I'm suspecting this means there's serious trouble in paradise. He also is planning to go back to the therapist he was seeing before we met. This is the first I heard of him seeing a therapist. I asked him if it was while we were together, and he said no but that he should have told me. I didn't judge but just said it's OK, that he wasn't ready.

He really, truly was hiding all of this from me. He thought he could get through life not facing it. He said he's been in denial and drank to numb. I just listened and told him that he's a good man with a big heart, that he's always been kind, and that if he needs anything from me to let me know.

This was just four days ago. I haven't heard from him since. So my sense is that after 18 months separation he's coming out of it. I know his crisis was going on much longer than that. I have no idea and no expectations around what this means for us. Unless and until I hear something tangible from him about reconciliation, I plan to stay the course of him getting my name off the boat loan and me filing for divorce immediately after. The time line is May. I'm going to get the paperwork in order and let it sit. I still will not file jointly. As a friend of mine said on the weekend, he can catch up with me later if he so chooses. It's his risk and loss if I'm not there, but I can't sit and wait.

So there it is. Any thoughts are welcome.

Hope all are well here.

[BeingMe]

No advice, just support. Just know that you'll be okay.

[job]

GWN,
I'm glad to come here this morning and see that you've posted and update. Glad to hear that the new job is working out and you love it. I'm also glad to see that you are going to remain in your home for a while longer. The market hasn't been all that great for selling homes in the last year or so. Hopefully when you are ready to actually move out the market will be better for you.

I'm sorry that you are still planning to move ahead w/the divorce, but I do understand where you are coming from. He may or may not be coming out of his crisis, but at least he's talking about seeking professional help once again.

I think you handled your many conversations w/your h very well. As for the boat issue, glad to read that you want your name off of it and are working towards that goal. My personal opinion is that you really shook him up when you told him that you want your named removed off the boat loan. That told him you meant business about moving on w/your life.

Your friend is very wise to tell you that your h can catch up w/you if he so chooses. This is so true.

I'm very proud of you...you've had a lot to handle and the conversations had to have been difficult for you.

Take care of yourself.

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks BM and Snodderly. Nice to hear from you both.

I will be fine because I AM fine. The physical separation brought me very far forward, I think, aided by taking care of asset disbursement early on. Like I said, the boat has represented our marriage to me and has been an emotional thing. I can understand how tough it is to detach when there are children involved or when the LBS is dependent on the WAS.

I'm sure there will be more to report as I don't believe our final chapter is written. I've provided him with far too much kindness and support over the past 18 months for him to just walk without a final word. The love is there...he just has to recognize it.

[greatwhitenorth]

Ugh. I just heard from my H that he is unable to get a loan for the boat so we will have to sell it. I really, really don't want any debt from that. He's probably hoping I'll apply the brakes.

I don't know what other options he's explored in terms of selling his vehicle or cashing out his retirement investments or talking to his mother about cosigning. But then I ask myself now much I should guide him in any of that thinking. Maybe there's other options?

I also wonder what would I need to see in order to apply the brakes? Is there anything at all that would make sense? Could I live with the status quo for any amount of time? He really doesn't seem to be able to put a plan in place.

I'm going to sit on the email for a bit until I know what to do. Also let him stew a bit. Any thoughts?

[job]

GWN,
I would sell the boat. This is one of the consequences of his actions. You can't continue to bail him out of his probelms, i.e., you are separated. He's the one that needs to find a way to keep the boat.

Don't offer him any help. I would sit on that email for a day or so and let him stew, but do not bail him out. He's hoping that you'll leave things as they are and help him out.

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks Snodderly

I know all of that is the right thing to do. The kicker is that the debt we owe after it is sold, half at least and possibly more, will rest with me. So there's consequences for me too. Maybe I'm making too much of that reality because nobody else seems to see it as an issue. I don't know. I want to avoid a financial *punishment* if at all possible.

[job]

I understand what you are saying, but do you really want to be tied to him through a boat? I would think long and hard before I considered bailing him out. Sometimes we have to take a loss financially in order to get out from under the mlcer and move on w/our lives. I think I would talk to a financial expert about this before saying anything to him about it.

[Juanton]

I agree with snod, sell the boat

[greatwhitenorth]

Thought I'd give a little update.

The day after my last post we spoke on the phone about what he's dealing with and next steps for the boat. He told me that he should not have kept his past from me. I told him he just wasn't ready to deal with it before, and that as he works through all of this he will be able to close the doors for good and finally enjoy all that life has to offer. At this point he was sobbing and said he didn't want to cry anymore.

That same day I got an email from his mother! He must have called her on what she said to me about OW being his soul mate when I first found out about the affair. I have not told H about it. He has enough to contend with. Nor have I responded...there is nothing nice I can say to her. She said that she will do anything for her son (yeah, like help him to lose everything) and that she deals with painful things by putting them in the past and just moving forward. My husband comes honestly by his mantra of "it's in the past, it doesn't matter." She trained him and it's all but destroyed him. She also repeated in her email that our marriage "was not to be". Methinks that she never wanted it to be. I'm guessing her troubles run deep.

So I know the depths of what he is going through although I won't go into it here. It is not a sudden alien behavior or questioning of whether this is all life has to offer sort of thing. I know how hard this is for him, and for this reason I cannot just drop the hammer and cast him adrift. He needs my support, even from afar and despite the fact that I don't know where this will land. My actions now are about human kindness, not my marriage. I need to keep that perspective.

He has medication to help him sleep and has started journaling. We're in touch every week or two, and every time he thanks me for caring and tells me how much it means to him. The week before last he texted at 6am on a weekday. When I didn't respond right away (was still in bed), he called to make sure I knew that his journaling is getting better every day. I didn't ask details, just encouraged him.

He has mentioned "enjoy and relax" a couple of times in text. One of the first emails he sent to me said something about there being no stress and just relaxing when he was with me. This is key, and I wish I'd known before but he never said a word. But today is a new day and now that I understand stress/relaxing in the context of what he's going through I'll be able to modify my behavior IF, and that's a big if, we reconcile.

Here's the funny thing that prompted me to update. Wednesday was a bit of a rough day. I had no idea why, and then on Thursday I was in tears on the way to work and had to skip out on the lunch a colleague brought in for a few of us. I'm not one for commercial holidays like valentine's, so that wasn't it. I just didn't know what it was and figured it was a blip on the screen. No biggie. So last night I texted H to see if everything was going OK. He said he has good days and bad days, but that the last couple of days were really hard. I think that either he picked up my emotions or I on his. Very odd.

At the end of last night's text he thanked me again for checking in and said it's "very wonderful." He promised me that he would be well, and thanked me for saying I'd hold him to that promise.

I'm guessing that if valentine's day was bad, twinkle twat (if I may quote you Snodderly...LOVE that!) is no more. It was medicinal anyway, and I hope she's writhing in the misery she deserves.

So it is what it is and where it is. It seems we're still connected on some spiritual or metaphysical or psychic or emotional level, even though we haven't seen each other since I can't remember when. He puts my name in every other text he sends and always responds right away. there's something to be said for waiting for him to reach out to me, but given what he's dealing with I don't mind reaching out every other week or so. Besides, that's a 180 for me.

so there it is, for what it means and what it's worth.

Hope all are well.