New Club Member Here!

[Pathfinder2]

I forgot to add that my efforts to detach, be happy, and GAL, all seem to be communicating to my wife that I WANT to get rid of her. She seems to me to be resentful that I seem to be "taking this so well" and am adapting "so easily". That is why I talked to her to let her know I still loved her and would rather we reconcile than part ways. I am walking a tightrope of trying to make sure I am taking care of myself, but also leave the door open for her to approach me. I think a week with her out of town has served me well in that I feel better about being alone. I really had a fear of it before and I don't fear it as much anymore. That can only be good.

[Pathfinder2]

In reading over my posts, it seems that I could use a little guidance in how to be consistent on my execution of the DB techniques. Anyone out there been successful in navigating the quagmire I fond myself in?

[Lampstand]

Pathfinder,

Your wife sounds so much like me. Especially the negative reaction to your helpfulness around the house. I did the same exact thing with a bank account. I was so embarrassed later to realize I was wrong. But I had already acted like a fool and I couldn't admit my error. My pride was a big problem in the M.

I think that might be a problem for us WAW--even after we realize we've made a mistake our pride won't let us back up and have do-overs.

[Pathfinder2]

Lamp,

I am curious as to how long you had negative feelings about your marriage before you decided it was over and you wanted to walk. Then, what was the catalyst that caused you to reconsider?

According to my wife, the 180's I have made (taking over things that she used to do especially with the kids, keeping the home clean and running, re-arranging the pantry, etc.) have communicated to her that I am trying to push her out of the picture. I don't know if that is her fear, or if she is saying that to try to get me to get defensive and back down or what. She is a very headstrong individual and I often feel we are engaged in a power struggle in our home.

As a former WAW, what would you advise me to do?

[Lampstand]

Well I've been unhappy for about 3 out of 4 years. We've split 2 other times (once was the suggestion of our MC who thought my H was too dependent on me). Right before this last split I had bad feelings for about 2 months but it intensified the 2 weeks leading up to Christmas because of stress I was under. Also, my sister is a really severe biased shoulder who had been pressuring me to get rid of him. Ultimately I think I pushed him to leave to win her approval. And then a week ago she decided she doesn't want to speak to me anymore because I won't let her have my house and control over my life. So it's really messed up and all my fault.

[Lampstand]

My H also made positive changes in the M during the past year but I always interpreted them in a negative light. The reason is that I wasn't ready to give up my victim status (he had a porn addiction and did some other rotten things and I wanted to maintain that leverage over him).

The name of the game is CONTROL. It has nothing to do with love.

In my case ILYBNILWY really meant "I'm afraid that YOU don't really love me in a romantic way because you don't pursue me and lust after me the way you used to so I'm not going to love you either."

[Juanton]

In my case ILYBNILWY really meant "I'm afraid that YOU don't really love me in a romantic way because you don't pursue me and lust after me the way you used to so I'm not going to love you either."

As I read that I had flashbacks to the night my W told me the ILYBNILWY because she also went on to say that I don't pursue or lust after her like I used to as well.

[Pathfinder2]

In my case ILYBNILWY really meant "I'm afraid that YOU don't really love me in a romantic way because you don't pursue me and lust after me the way you used to so I'm not going to love you either."

It's very interesting that you should say this. I would have never thought of that. In our case, I feel that she has told me this because of hurtful things that I had spoken to her. I felt that she was spending too much time with OM in my absence and when she would not accommodate my request that she show her loyalty, I verbally assaulted her for it.

However, now that she has "turned the corner" and decided that she really isn't interested romantically in me anymore, she has taken to wearing clothing that will really grab a guy's attention. Things like spandex pants, low cut sweaters, very tall heels, etc. It all speaks of looking for someone to lust after her.

[Lampstand]

As women age they begin to worry about loss of their attractiveness. We need to be reassured that we are beautiful but also that we still can "bring it". A woman looks to her H to tell her this. It's his job. If he doesn't she will seek it elsewhere.

We want to see you jump through the hoops like you did in the beginning. My H used to stay up all night long with me on the phone. Today.....he pretends to be tired at 10pm and goes to bed and leaves me all alone on the computer........not smart. Our sex life was on a schedule so that he wouldn't ever have to put out much effort. Definitely not a turn on.

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry you are here PF, but this is the best place to be, for a lousy reason. I would also urge you to go ahead and hire a DB coach.

If your w questions it, make sure you show her that you "get" that she's not happy and you are NOT so much trying to Stay married as you are trying to have both of you stay happy...

(or some other comment so she doesn't feel you are learning "tricks/tactics" to keep her, but that you are open to the chance this is over and you are preparing yourself. ) YOU know, and WE know that you want the marriage to last, but not at ALL costs...

DBing is more about saving yourself first, the marriage second. But without one, you cannot get to the other...

Picked up my wife at the airport yesterday. I tried my best to have PMA. I clocked dinner and made sure there was nothing at home that she needed to do. I tried a few times to get her to open up in conversation, but it seemed as though she wasn't interested. She spent lots of time fawning over the kids.

She noticed the new shirt I was wearing and how spotless the house was.

good^^^

I had cleaned the fridge and organized the pantry. However, when she saw the pantry, she was upset, said I had made it so she couldn't find anything and asked me if I was trying to get her to leave.

I only buy part of this^^. I think it's "her territory" and your changes MAY have looked controlling. Not sure. But no, it's not about making her leave. Geez, I'd have trouble not laughing at that.

I have said before that she complained about how much time it took for her to do the books. I told her I would like to take over. I really was offering as a way to reduce her stress load at home. I think she has taken it as another sign that I am trying to push her out of the house.

don't let her put you in a lose lose situation. If you KNOW your motives are upright, then let it go.

I talked with her last night after she went off on me about a bill she thought I had screwed up. It turned out that I had done everything just fine and that she had misread the statement, but that was discovered after I suffered through her speech about how she will give me the smallest thing to do and I always mess it up.

how'd You handle that talk?^^^ Did you call her on any of it?

I talked with her about how I am not trying to push her out. I would very much like to restore out marriage. I told her again of my love for her. I also told her I wanted her to be happy and if her leaving was what it required for her to be happy, then I was prepared to help her do that.

this^^ is risky if she feels unloved, but I get why you did it. It's probably the right thing to do.

I told her I want her, but will be fine without her. I asked her if she was so unhappy, why hasn't she left?

what's with challenging or cornering her into leaving? You want to "teach her a lesson" or "show her the consequences" of her actions? That's not a spouse's job. Life does that for them. Not us. (Per my DB coach).



Her reply was the kids and that she doesn't want to look like it was her fault.

What does SHE SAY she thinks is happening in the marriage now?

She feels I should leave since I'm gone for work half the time anyways. I really feel strongly that it should be my wife who leaves if we split.

I agree, assuming the kids are going to be fine.

I find it amazing that she would expect us to separate when it is something she wants and then she would ask me to be the one to start living a new life while she feels no change whatsoever. AS, I feel like you that if we separated, then she needs to feel a stark difference. It should not be life as usual, because that's not what it would be if we went our own ways.

if she leaves, then won't the life change on its' own? What would YOU need to do that insures it? I am not asking you to Make sure she suffers...b/c you will be blamed for it. I'm telling you that she'll learn what's out there when shes out there.

I don't think OM sounds interested in being a step dad, but that's for HER to discover. She is doing a "puzzle" of sorts and you cannot hover behind her shoulder telling her where the peices go. She has to figure this out on her own and you MAY HAVE TO release her to her task.

She'll learn that the grass is greener where it gets the most water (attention).

Again, she voiced a willingness to go to counseling. However, she again stated that she can't seem to be able to figure out how to change how she feels.

Love is not just a noun; it's also a verb. It requires action and choice...that we take and make on a daily basis.

But you cannot tell her this. I'm glad she says she wants to go to mc but it may be an attempt to check it off her list to show "she tried". So, find a mc who is pro marriage or solution based. Call ahead. They're out there but they are not in the majority. Most seem to help you re=hash your anger and make you feel more sure you want out.


The whole thing is, she bases her decisions on her feelings. If the feeling isn't there, then it's over. If the feeling is there, then things are good. How does one break out of this?

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

And she wont' want to stay married UNLESS she believes marriage to you can be better/different than before.

Your job is to show her that it can be. That you are a great catch and she'd be a fool to leave you. Be the best dad you can be, not just for your d's, although that is the biggest best reason...but also b/c it's very appealing in a man to see him lovingly interact with her children.

I mentioned before that I had been talking with my family. I have now ceased conversation about this subject with them. I am hoping this will help, but I realize that it may take months before I see any positive outcome from this move, if I ever do at all.

keep the road home, paved & smooth. The more people who know of her actions, the harder it'll be for her to come home.

I can see a sep as being possibly the only way for her to awaken...but I'm not sure. And I'm not sure YOU would be alright with that either.

Be patient. More than you ever thought you could be.

GAL too. We hammer it a lot here b/c we know it works. Plus you sound a bit introverted, so I hope you'll expand your comfort zone so it enlarges. That will help your PMA and will make you more intriguing. Be less predictable around her. A little mystery would not hurt either.