Re. Poss Dealing with OM

[LJC]

Hi guys & gals. I've been in the back ground for so long reading all your heartbreaking stories and along the way, in directly, been receiving some great advice via other posts on how to DB and GAL etc etc but I think I've come to the point where I need advice and support on how to deal with OM pursuing my W and even my W sleeping with OM?

My story in brief. Oct 15th '12 I heard my W say ILYBINILWY and my world fell apart I made a big mistake and moved out of the family home which I now know was a mistake as she was the one who was the WAW but as we have 3 kids (D12, D9, S3) I was thinking about them at the time and didn't want them thinking I was throwing them out (because I couldn't rely on her telling them the truth). At first I was begging, reasoning, bargaining everything us LBS do but did my homework pretty quickly found this site, bought DR among other books and quickly started DBing. 1st Dec 12 she moved out to a house 2 mins round the corner which I was unhappy about but I could see the Pros and got use to it plus the School is on my road so they could walk to class etc

This part is a real headbanger and a little unique which I also find very hard to get my head round - my brother is married to my wife's sister!! Yeah told you that was pretty Rad and it worked while everyone was happy but now it's like a living nightmare and I'm forever finding out what W is upto because I go and see my Niece and Nephew. Although saying this after 3 months people 'are just nice to me' and don't ask about how M is.

During this time I found out she was in regular contact with one of her BF's brother who is married with kids himself and W and BF had fallen out over it and I got it thru to her that she was in the throws of an EA. She said this was over and no contact has been made since which as I've learnt I can't trust her or believe she is telling me the truth.

Upto present day W is stressing as bills are starting to arrive on her mat and she is pressing me for regular maintenance payments which is what I've been doing since day one but she wants def days when she gets her money not 'when I remember' so she can stop stressing and budget for bills etc but while she is stressing over money she is still regularly going out to the pub with friends spending money what she tells me she hasn't got! As well as this she is now attracting attention from OM which has just knocked me for six and really made me feel low again as I can't stop thinking about OM touching her while we are still officially married! She has given no indication she is seeing anyone nor that she wants to file for D.

Myself - I've very quickly been GAL. Joined a Gym which I still goto (after some shift rota changes), started decorating the house while its winter and even booked a trip to New York with my cousin to see Swedish House Mafia in March (birthday present to myself) which is a real 180 and I'm sure she will believe it when she sees it on this one!

I know I can't make my W do anything she has to realise what she's done herself and she can do as she pleases like she has been doing but is there anyone who can give me advice on how I deal with her being with someone else? Even if she isn't now I have to face the fact that we may not get back together and she does find OM which breaks my heart as I want her to see that I have changed for the better.

Thanks for reading what I didn't expect to be a long post. Any help or support is much appreciated

[LJC]

Text W yest asking if she had received an email regarding taking kids on a mini break which she replied to but other than that I haven't really heard from W in the last 2/3 weeks! We split just over 3 months ago now. I'm worried by the lack of communication, I know I have to give her time and space does that mean I let her do the communicating and I answer or can I text her now and again out of the blue asking how she is etc etc

We live minutes away from each other now but I just haven't seen or heard from her. I worry that I am slowly being forgotten which I don't want.

Any thoughts from anyone?

[AnotherStander]

Sorry you're here, but hopefully we can help you through this!

Oct 15th '12 I heard my W say ILYBINILWY

OK, well your sitch is still relatively new even though it probably seems like forever. So just take a deep breath and settle in for the long haul!

and I got it thru to her that she was in the throws of an EA. She said this was over and no contact has been made since which as I've learnt I can't trust her or believe she is telling me the truth.

While that's true, you are separated, so you really have no control over what she does. It's important for you to detach. That means no questions about where she's going/ who she's seeing. No snooping. No spying. No phone calls/ texts/ emails.

Upto present day W is stressing as bills are starting to arrive on her mat and she is pressing me for regular maintenance payments which is what I've been doing since day one but she wants def days when she gets her money not 'when I remember' so she can stop stressing and budget for bills etc

I would come to an agreement with her on how much you're paying and on what days you'll make those payments. Everything else is not your concern. If you're making your payments on time then she has no reason to whine at you about her budget woes.

but while she is stressing over money she is still regularly going out to the pub with friends spending money what she tells me she hasn't got!

Well, you would like to know that your money is going towards care of the kids rather than her drinking binges. You might want to discuss that with her, if you're going to be making regular payments to her I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to vouch for where the funds are going. Obviously you can't keep her from going, but if she's going out every night on your dime then that's not acceptable.

As well as this she is now attracting attention from OM which has just knocked me for six and really made me feel low again as I can't stop thinking about OM touching her while we are still officially married!

The easiest way for me to deal with this was to come to the realization that we really weren't married anymore except on paper. When my W left, she basically trashed the marriage covenants. So there was nothing left then except for a legal document which in the end isn't really much of anything. Once I saw things that way, it became more obvious to me that what W was doing was outside of the old M. By the way to this day I don't know if W is in an A or not, I think she is but I've never found out for sure.

She has given no indication she is seeing anyone nor that she wants to file for D.

Good, don't pressure her about it. If she doesn't talk about D then that's a good sign that she isn't in a hurry to pursue it. Use the time for DB'ing

Myself - I've very quickly been GAL.

Excellent, great stuff. Keep it up!!

I know I can't make my W do anything she has to realise what she's done herself and she can do as she pleases like she has been doing but is there anyone who can give me advice on how I deal with her being with someone else?

Keep focusing on you. I promise you, it gets easier and better. It takes time, but you will feel better about yourself and will find yourself less concerned about W and her activities. Like I said above, I never have found out whether W is in an A or not, but I just assumed that she was. For me that was a lot easier to deal with than not knowing. Chances are that if you suspect it then it's probably true.

[Devistated77]

LJC

AnotherStander has good advice listen to it.

As far as the thoughts of OM and your wife I get it. It hurts. It will get better in time but sometimes the thought of it would drop me to my knees. Just felt like someone was tearing up my insides. Hell about 2 weeks ago I was having dreams about it and thoughts constantly and since I didn't have my kids for that time I didn't leave my apt for 4 days.

I wish I had a magic solution to ease the pain for you but i think in time it will lessen. Like AS said at this pt marrige vows have been broken so the marrige cert is just a piece of paper. You have no control over anything but yourself. Try not to think of what shes doing. That isn't a road to helping you. If you start thinking of it, try to switch to thinking of something else. Kids, Work, hobby, tv shows, anything else. And find someone to talk about it with. For me it seems like the more I discuss it the more I can accept it.

Keep up with the 180's and GAL. If they are true changes for you she will notice! You have kids togethor so you are forced to be in contact so anytime you see her try to be upbeat and positive. Fake it if you have to! I hope this helps

[LJC]

Thanks for the replies AS and D77. It's great that you have replied as I've seen you offer great advice to others which I have used also.

I see W weekly when I go round to pick kids up and I'm pleasant enough, I don't hang around and as soon as kids come out I'm off before any conv can be made but by me doing that and not asking 'things' I feel as if I'm coming across a little cold(?) all I do is say Hi, you ok? Or how you doing? And I just think is what I'm doing making us drift further apart?

I didn't mention our R time scale. Been together 12 years this Saturday Married for 4.5 years so we have a lot of history together. Ref Dating Anniv should I do/get anything? Every year she would say oh Do you know what today is!

It seems weird Journalling after being in back ground for so long. Before I knew I could find answer somewhere on the boards maybe I just wanted to vent my Sitch?

Joined Meetup.com yest and searched for any decent groups, it seems all the best ones are in London which is a 35min train journey on the high speed network. My sister live in north London so i could always stay at hers and get the tube in but the thought of going to a meet alone scares the life out of me!

Didn't expect post to be this long sorry! Thanks for your support

[AnotherStander]

And find someone to talk about it with. For me it seems like the more I discuss it the more I can accept it.

^^^I totally agree, this is great advice! It has to be someone that is not attached to the situation and doesn't have any contact with the spouse because it's important to know you can say anything and say it openly with no chance of it getting back to the spouse. In my case it was an old friend I made contact with who it turns out had a WAW years ago too. I totally spilled my guts to him and it felt so good not only to get it out there, but to get feedback from someone who actually went through it too. It was extremely therapeutic and I am forever in his debt. An interesting sidebar, his W left 3 years ago and they've recently started dating again.

[GH31]

I need advice and support on how to deal with OM pursuing my W and even my W sleeping with OM?

Don't really know what to say about this LJC.

I know it hurts mate, but there is nothing any of us can do to control another human being.

Come here to vent.

1st Dec 12 she moved out to a house 2 mins round the corner which I was unhappy about but I could see the Pros and got use to it plus the School is on my road so they could walk to class etc

Does this mean you're now back in the family home?

During this time I found out she was in regular contact with one of her BF's brother who is married with kids himself and W and BF had fallen out over it and I got it thru to her that she was in the throws of an EA. She said this was over and no contact has been made since which as I've learnt I can't trust her or believe she is telling me the truth.

Good.

Rule Number One: All Cheaters Lie

You can tell they are lying because their mouths are moving. Forget about getting the truth from your Mrs.

There is more chance that the computer I'm typing on will start crying than there is that an active cheater will start telling the truth.

Best not to bring it up again.

Upto present day W is stressing as bills are starting to arrive on her mat and she is pressing me for regular maintenance payments which is what I've been doing since day one but she wants def days when she gets her money not 'when I remember' so she can stop stressing and budget

This is fair enough.

If you have a definite plan agreed for the payment of maintenance for the children I would give this to her and at the agreed time.

Personal integrity is a very important tenet of being a real man. Keep your word.

...but while she is stressing over money she is still regularly going out to the pub with friends spending money what she tells me she hasn't got! As well as this she is now attracting attention from OM which has just knocked me for six and really made me feel low again as I can't stop thinking about OM touching her while we are still officially married! She has given no indication she is seeing anyone nor that she wants to file for D.

This is different.

If she wants you to finance her drinking or an affair do not cave under any circumstances.

My W asked me several times for money whilst she was living with an OM, and we didn't have any kids back then. The answer was always a firm, gently uttered but very blunt "no".

Keep up your 180s and developing a life of your own.

It's the only way. Detaching is the only way to deal with those very intrusive thoughts about her banging an OM.

I have been there mate, know just how excruciating the pain is and you have my deepest sympathy.

Keep coming here and posting.

GH31

[LJC]

Thanks again for all your replies.

Feel a little down tonite but sleep was interrupted by a call out (part time firefighter) and I do get like that when I'm tired! Running myself into the ground at the Gym prob didn't help but I look forward to the Gym now and the chemicals you release after a good sesh make you feel great!

She has been all over FB recently and you'd think there was nothing wrong, laughing and joking etc etc which upsets me as I feel I've just been swept under the carpet! I try to avoid FB when I can but with my luck as soon as page loads her status is at the top of page, damn. The hard part about this is she laughing and joking about with my family members. I genuinely feel I can't trust anyone!

Answer to some Q's from GH31 yes I'm back at family home have been since beginning of December '12. She didnt want to move out before Xmas but I knew she had keys to other place so i said I wanted to move back in as I was back at my parents. Why should she have the Lux of 2 places when I'm back in my old bedroom!

Got Kids tomoz and got loads planned so hopefully we're have a blast so they can go back with lots of stories. Thanks Guys and Gals.

[LJC]

Journal
OMG made a hash of things earlier. I have the kids tomoz (19th) and have a busy day planned (not sure if I've already said this? I can't see my posts as I'm a newbie hence a delay) anyway when I drop kids of at 18:00 I'm jumping in the car to goto the casino and staying in the hotel there with some family and friends. W knows this as she is close to a certain few family members and they have told her I'm going. I received a text from W saying why don't you drop kids of at 16:00 and get a lift with these family members?

Now instead of me politely texting back saying "Thanks for the offer but due to a number of reasons I can't thank you for the offer" I text W a huge text detailing why I can't because of commitments the next day! Although in the big text I did say I cherish my time with my kids and I didn't want to cut short my access time for personal gain, which the old selfish me would have quite happily done before we split. Hopefully she will see that bit as a 180?

Side note I'm a bit annoyed my replies etc aren't being posted sooner. Is that something to do with me being in England?

TY