I thought I would check up on you. Wow, your sitch is very similiar to mine in some ways. I would say try NOT to worry about the fact he has been cruel/selfish/detached/heartless etc.. all the HOW CAN HE? Yes I know, I endlessly worried about the same.. but once my H was out the other side, it really was like a flicked switch and suddenly, the old caring H was back (then bf of course). It took him a long time to come up with any explanation and I never got complete answers, but in the end he concluded that he had had some sort of breakdown, that he couldnt put his mind now into his mind then or work out how he had acted that way, or what he was thinking. That generally it was about self-preservation (and this is true of your chap I feel).. just that it was something he had to do, to withdraw and close down, or off to the people closest to him. And that ultimately, it took him a long while to realise he had in fact loved me all along. (In my sitch he was adamant he didnt love me anymore and gave no indication of this the whole 18 months we were apart, not even a peck on the cheek etc).
For now, what worked for me.. I would say definitely DONT ask him about his counselling session. Behave as though you are a friend, a very best friend, but not one that would pry and ask, so how was your C session? (would you ask a male friend this?)
Always be there for him when he contacts you. Dont worry about trying to be out, or make him wonder, or make him jealous. He's not going to respond to that. It would probably just make him feel more down and negative.
Listen and validate... very important. I couldnt believe how often my ex would call, sometimes every day and like you yes up to an hour and most of the conversation about himself (its so bizarre isnt it?) but I just went with it and listened. I let him talk. I made helpful but neutral noises. I didnt try and tell him what to do or offer advice/solutions as you say.
I kept myself upbeat.. so matter how bad or low I felt, I never told him or showed him (I thought I didnt but he later told me that he could tell!) but I tried anyway! The phrase is.. dont put your emotions onto them. You have lost the right to that emotional connection. So whilst he can splurge and moan all he wants, you cant of course...whilst you are still willing to DB and some people would walk away right and move on, but thats not what you have decided to do so..
Make sure you have some things to show or tell him that capture the spirit of the girl he fell in love with. For me, it was getting healthy, getting out more again, socialising, listening to music... I had grown complacent in my sitch and due to some of my own troubles, I had become very stay at home. My husbands depression couldnt cope with this I feel and it wasnt making him happy. He is a very sociable person. I am too, but I had lost sight of that.
SO what can you do to just quietly and gently (but so that he subtley notices) be again the girl he fell in love with? I know thats going back a long way! 18 years! Or more recent, but you get my gist.
I apologise that this message is fast and I havent read all your sitch but keep doing what you are doing. Its great that he is calling you. Be his friend, that was the advice I got, be a CONSISTENT place that he can turn to. Always be there, listen, validate, be KIND to him. Be someone he can trust. Resist the urge to worry that you are being a mug.. conventional wisdom says that you are, but DBing is about acting counter-intuitively.
Try not to listen to peeps in RL who may urge you to do x y z, whereas you have chosen to handle this break up differently.
Lastly, have you had a session with the DB counsellors? Its expensive but it really really helped me at a time when I felt stuck and not sure which way to turn.
Good luck !! Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I agree with Snodderly then.. listen and validate! I used to make notes when he rang and read them back over to see if there was any change in his sitch/with ow. For a long while there wasnt.. on the surface, but just like they are ruminating for a long time before the bomb.. they are also ruminating for a long while before they emerge from this time in their life. I later found out my H wanted to come back to me 6 months before he did, but he limped on with ow and never even saw me (maybe once?)during this time. So anyway... for now, you have to go on what he reveals to you. Which is a lot about how crappy he feels. But he wont always feel that bad.
Which reminds me, people felt sorry for me, and I did too, but I never lost sight of his suffering and that this was a very real and hard thing that was happening to him too.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
This is all so surreal, isn't it? In my sitch I marvel at what my H expects from me and then I marvel again when I actually live out those expectations. (ie, maintain a surface of normality despite ow, despite stated lack of love, despite the shard of glass jabbed into my heart)
Its so hard. And so unbelievable that someone can treat their partner that way - without ever thinking what they do is WRONG.
Quote:
He does not seem to realize that, in the same way he thought his having a GF would not affect our friendship at BD.
Doesn't that just boggle your mind? It'd be frickin hilarious if it wasn't so tragic.
Oh well. Hang in there. Day by day. (These are things I tell myself - along with "I think I can, I think I can")
Have a good day today
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Ali, I am so honoured you dropped by! Gives Snodderly a break from having to twack me every second day !!
Thank you so much for your advice - I felt after I read it that I can DO this. Despite how bloody strange it all is! And I like the "helpful but neutral noises". That they think that makes up brilliant conversation is funny, but, hey, if it works!
And thank you for the peep into H's mind. Sometimes I would give a leg just to know what is going on in there! Is he truly done with me as a SO and is this "just friends" or are there other thoughts bubbling beneath the surface? Patience...is there any word I detested more sometimes!?
Ali, I wish you all the best and do hope you can still find tme to visit and update us. Your threads have been immensely inspiring to me.
You know, I was thinking the same thing - this would be hilarious if it weren't so tragic - I still think of that stellar e-mail from your husband. Well, at least he likes you. I think I got that in a Valentine once - when I was six! I could not help but still smile.
And I agree with you - I never thought I would be here. Carrying the whole load for both of us. Nope, not me! Apparently, you never really know how you are going to react when reality comes knocking!
You hang in there, too. The best image I read about on these Boards was that sometimes we just need to sit on the curb and wave as the parade goes by...that image makes me smile, too. Especially when I picture xSO with a jester's hat on and me waving like a queen
No call from xSO last night. I was disappointed. I am still having a hard time feeling detached - it still matters to me if he calls or does not. I was going to call him, but resisted.
What helps me not to contact is that I do not trust that he is not with the GF (or a new one). He said they broke up and that he was not looking - but there is no way to verify that.
It's funny really, once in while I go back and read the DR chapter on MLC or even exerpts from the Conway book or other MLC articles. What NEVER comes across in those 'how do you help your spouse go through this" is how truly difficult it is. How heartbreaking it can be and how LONG it takes. Not just in actual time, but how long it feels it takes. More than a marathon but an endurance run.
The other thing that is rarely mentioned is how HURT the LBS is which adds a whole other layer to communicating with the MLCer.
Detachment - I am working on it. Or at least I would like to get to the point where he is not popping in my head all the time.
Portia, How are you today? How is your parent doing?
Please try to keep your expectatiions of your man to zero. See how you were disappointed last night that he didn't call? That's why it is important to detach and lower those expectations.
Portia, mlc doesn't happen over night. It takes years and years for this stuff to build up. Keep in mind that when they are emotionally stunted at a very early age, that hurt/harm is stuffed down for many years until one day, it builds up so much steam it has to let loose.
Dig deeper for patience and as I always say...keep the focus on you. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Peaceful, sleeping quite a bit now and unable to talk for long. I spend much of my time reading by the bedside now.
I'm doing alright.
I am trying to keep any expectations at zero but it is so much easier said than done. It is the KNOWING vs. the DOING. Just like words are easy and actions hard.
Did not hear from xSO yesterday either. I really would love to have zero expectations because my expectations are the ones that cause that one more razor cut and then I feel it is harder to let go of the anger and resentment. I am working on forgiveness for everything surrounding the BD - the lying, the I hate you, the cheating, the abandonment - and yet it feels like he just keeps on piling it on. Four days and not even a "how are you holding up?" But I am learning - set the bar very low so he can get over it. That bar needs to be at ground level since most strangers have been kinder.
I can truly understand how an LBS gets to the point of walking away. I may not personally be at that exact point but I can surely understand it. The catch-22 is that cutting off all contact with him would not solve this for me right now. I would still be hurting.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
So, I backslid a little. No excuses, I was fully aware of what I was doing and why.
I called xSO. We hadn't talked for three days. Luckily, the call went well and we chatted about this and that. Mostly about what is going on with him. We talked a little of my parent (but not until I brought it up).
It seems he has noticed that I have not been calling. He said several times that he was glad I called and that it was good to hear my voice. In fact at the end of the conversation, he actually said, well you dont' call here much anymore. I apologized (more of a reaction) and he cut me off and said he understood. I wondered what it was that he "understood"? But I let it go.
We also talked a bit about his mom and her illness. I told him he always had my support and he replied he knew he could count on me to always be there. Yikes. I really meant only to communicate that if he really needed me to help deal with his mom, I would be there. As I would for any friend. I did not want to communicate that he would never "lose" me or that I would stay stuck. I need to be more careful.
This friends zone is a strange place to be. Because if he does date or go out with someone else, this time I have no cause to complain, he is single now. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
