Is anyone on here that has been on the other side? Rather the Spouse who cheated and went back to thier spouse?. I am curious on what worked for them? Maybe that would enlighten some of us who seem to be working so hard at salvaging thier marriage as to what works and what doesn't. Just curious.
Hi Carole, what are you looking for specifically? Are you the spouse who cheated and wants to go back? Are you the spouse that was cheated on with a spouse who now wants to come back? --or-- do you have a WAS who hasn't decided they want to come back?
If you can provide more detail I may be able to connect you with someone. My W cheated and came back so I have some insight into that also.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You have another thread, so it would be helpful to stick to it so others stay up to speed on your sitch and advice.
Sandi2 I believe left and came back. There are husbands here who cheated and now their wives are WAS, more on the newbie side than the vet side. 25yrsmlc has described in several people's threads her great temptation and eventual decision not to cheat.
I also just spent a significant amount of time chatting with a friend who left her h just before this Christmas. For many years she told him what was lacking, they went to counseling, he worked on it and then slacked off again. She's done. She wants to be happy. She has no more love for him, no more resources to tap. Finally he gets it, he proclaims his love every day and how he'll do better, but she is just done. It's sad, and it's probably what my H is telling people, but very very common.
I think people who have an affair, even if they seemed to be happy and then one day lost their mind and character and got sucked into an affair, when you scratch beneath the surface their marriage was in serious trouble and they didn't know it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Advina..I started a different thread because I thought it was a completely different question..still relates to the situation but maybe just trying to understand the actions and all...if that makes any sense. Maybe, you are right, about the marriage being in trouble and niether of us realizing it. H has always been away at work for extended periods of time...but always came home. He has always said I am completely innocent in this, I have never been to blame for this..he was never looking for this. He has always said he loves me..always has, is never leaving, I am # 1 in his life..for him that has never changed. I understand the loneliness of being away from home, earning a decent living to provide for us...I have always said, without him working with the union, being sent where the work was, has enabled us to get to the position where we are now. (We own several properties..while we are not cash rich we are asset rich). I understand the loneliness, the desire to feel needed, desirable, wanted, important, loved..( which I have always done, I have always been his biggest supporter), as recently as 2-3 months ago ( yes, even though this affair was going on), we had been making plans, putting into action about moving stateside, purchasing property in the US ( we live in Canada).
He has always said I would be the "one stuffing him into the ground"..said it 25 yrs ago...said it a week ago. He has always said he would not leave, yet still wanted a relationship with the OW..first a relationship, then "friends" with myself thinking platonic. My husband is normally a great man, I know he never intended this to happen...think he was lonely, needed validation, to feel good about himself..( someone 20 yrs younger wants him and desires him). I think she pursued him...and he made the choice. I think she makes him feel good about himself, I know I became lazy and complacent...always assuming things would be good between us...and his eyes...they are, that hasn't changed for him. He thinks I am upset because I am not involved in thier relationship at all...that I do not participate in what activities they do...that she does things that he thinks I don't want to do..such as mountain climbing, etc. Yet, I have told him I would love to do things with him...but his work prevented that. I also think she is unstable, ( when someone threatens suicide everytime they break up...to me that is someone who is unstable) I think when I gave him the ultimatum in Dec...he chose me...as he always did before when she said her or me..or when he was with family -- whenever we had a family function..she freaked...she broke up with him...threatened suicide.( emotional blackmail). That does NOT excuse HIS behavior..have I been innocent in this? Hell no!...I became lazy and complacent, I know that, I am opinionated...yes..I hold on to grudges for a long time..workign on letting that go. I know what MY faults are...and have been trying to change them.
But wanted a different perspective on why the spouse who had the affair came back to the spouse.
Your marriage was in serious trouble because you both assumed it was stable and didn't need attention, and so you slacked off giving it attention. It is in more serious trouble now because his attention is being diverted, where he is getting in over his head with a supposed platonic friend and her drama of emotional instability and the addictive chemicals that secrecy and cheating bring out in the wanderer's brain that he will NOT admit to.
And now he says he's staying with you and you get to stuff him in the ground, but you don't get his whole heart and attention because he likes giving it elsewhere and boo to you if you think you should be getting it instead. That is a very selfish kind of love. And he is taking you for granted if he thinks that should be good enough for you and will be accepted by you, forever.
You should be loved by someone who loves you enough to want you to have your needs met. He acts like the fact that he'll leave his body in the marriage so you can bury it when he dies is doing you a huge favor that you should be glad of. And consider yourself happily married.
If you're trying to get him to admit he's doing wrong and right the wrong, you're working at the right angle. In my opinion only, I think you should be communicating to him what love is to you, what you're not getting, what you will NOT accept for your whole life, and how long you're willing to let this go on before you close the door and move on. Then, it is his CHOICE to meet you where you are and if he chooses not to, you know what to do. Right now you're making it his choice to decide what kind of a marriage you get to have and you have to like it because that's what kind of marriage you had before.
I'm not hearing that that's good enough anymore for you.
I think you guys really need counseling. You to grow stronger in establishing what you will not accept and what you are willing to do about it. Him to learn to hear you better and to recognize that he's offering you a crappy marriage and thinking you should be glad of it.
DB has an answer for you already. The spouse who had the affair comes back to the spouse because the spouse was someone only a fool would leave, the spouse kept the road home paved and smooth, and the WAS over time regretted his/her choice. DB says that REQUIRES you looking like your going to move on, and being OK with that, and withdrawing from him while he's straying so he more clearly knows he's making a choice and it has clear consequences...and he CAN make a different choice.
All the rest of the pieces are in his corner and beyond your control. You may do everything right and he may never fully invest himself back in your marriage. Then what will you do?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Bah, when I said you're working at the right angle I meant to say you're working at the WRONG angle. Maybe you could tell from the context. I hate when I write the OPPOSITE of what I meant.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Advina...I agree that is a very selfish kind of love. To think that he can't give me his whole heart ( like he did before this all happened) is heartbreaking. I realize I became lazy and complacent...as he did to now we are in the mess we are in. It is not good enough for me anymore. I do have a question...why did she try and make him choose..that he always chose me..yet they always seemed to get back together? Maybe he loves her more then me? Am I too stupid to realize that? Why would he choose me...or make me and his family a priority..then get back together with her? I am gettign councelling from a DB coach...but I fail at times. I have given up on trying to convince him that staying in contact with her is wrong. I am not sure if he is afraid to tell me he is done with me...or if he truly doesn't not want to give her up..in any capacity. I have told him what I want...emotional stability, to be treated like a man who truly loves his wife should treat his wife, with respect, love, and honestly. I am going to start living my life...have decided that...again. I know when I start to pull away...he comes forward. But it is actions that prove to me not words.
I wish, and have suggested councelling..he refuses..saying they don't know me..my life...doesn't think he needs it...farce as far as I am concerned. I don't want to break up my family, why I am fighting so hard...but am starting to give up hope to be honest. he is acting like a spoiled, teenager...throwing a temper tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. He seems to think it is all about what I want...and not what he wants...I said it is about our marriage, what it means, our love, our committment. Maybe I am the biggest fool out there. But I am going to live my life...with or without him. Hate that thought...living without him...but then again, with his work...I am been living without him already for extended periods of time already.
I have told him what I want...emotional stability, to be treated like a man who truly loves his wife should treat his wife, with respect, love, and honestly. I am going to start living my life...have decided that...again. I know when I start to pull away...he comes forward. But it is actions that prove to me not words.
Carole, you have done all that you could at this point, the ball is in his court. Pull back, take care of your own life and stop worrying about what he is doing. Doing this really is your best chance at getting him back, or moving on without him with as little pain as possible. You can't make him love you.
Oh, and yes, you should stick to one thread.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
