Hi, Signed up for the community seeking help. In a nutshell, found out hubby was having an affair while at work. ( he works out of town for extended periods of time). They fell in love, and she wanted him to leave us for her. He refused over and over. they broke up nemuerous times, all while we were trying to work things out. I made the mistake of saying that I would be good with them being friends thinking platonic..turned out it wasn't that way, she moved 1800 miles away, and they had planned to go to Las Vegas. I told him over and over I was not good with it, we began fighting more and more. The more I wanted to talk, the more he shut down. It got to the point where all we did was fight. I told him I was leaving last week as I could never get away from her and heal..no matter where my husband and I went, they were in constant contact, texting, telling each other they love each other, I begged him to stop and they didn't couldn't, I couldn't take it anymore. Then as the time comes closer for them to go to Las Vegas...I told him again I wasn't good with it as I knew what she wanted...him to leave me and marry her. and that he was taking a big risk with his family. Didn't seem to make a difference. He thought it was about what I wanted...I thought it was disrespectful to me. I finally told him yesterday not to go to Vegas and instead concentrate on our family and me ( our kids have no clue any of this is going on) and he is he went..we were done...he had to make a choice. He choose me...and now is...it is all about you and what you want...I will just work and do what you want...doen't matter what I want..the total guilt...I don't know what to do..I feel guilty, angry, he refuses to talk..says it is all about what "I" want...help!
Hi Carole - Welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially!
Now is the time for you two together or you separately to have a pro-marriage counselor experienced in helping couples heal from infidelity. The DB coaches are experts. You may also have experts around you. The wrong counselor can make things worse.
You may not like this but your husband's feelings are valid. He isn't wrong. And while you might feel like you don't owe him anything by asking him not to go, he isn't likely to feel the same -- he's going to be wanting extra effort on your end to make him happy.
This IS the time for REAL GIVING even though -- he probably hasn't 'earned it' yet in your mind and heart, and your bank is still empty. This is where it is really tough, and your best advice might not be on the board. You may get good advice. Good advice in this situation does not resemble laying down the law or being tough with your husband.
Michele has written a bit in her blogs and in Divorce Remedy. There are also other great helps that Michele recommends. One of them is Anne Bercht (you can look it up).
Hang in there, this will be the toughest thing you ever do. While it doesn't feel good, so many DBers would like to be in your shoes, with their husband making the choice for YOU.
DBMOD: I realize he "chose me"...but he is so bitter, and angry and hurt , and on top of it all he has a broken heart. I know he has always said that he would never leave me, and if she was to remain in his life that this is how it would have to be. Yet, the constant contact, even in my own home, no matter where he and I went whether alone or with our children, I could never get away from it. Drove me insane!
The lying to the kids where he was, the knowledge of what she wants, the him and her being together, never having a moment's peace of it. I found myself getting more and more resentful and angry every day as the day got closer. So, I gave the ultimatum..dont' go to vegas. I felt like I was losing my mind.
And now...what do I have? A husband who is bitter and angry and heartbroken. I get sarcastic remarks, and not wanting to talk to me whatsoever. The 20 second call this morning wishing me Happy birthday...when I asked how his evening went he replied:" how do you think?"..almost burst down crying. My day has been hell for the rest of the day. Happy Birthday to me!
Here is an example of what I have been getting:
" I guess my years of doing what I had to do to make sure we succeeded boils down to nothing, your feeling and the ultimatum to make me toe the line is the most important to knuckle under or walk away ..the rest matters not in the least, my plans, my feelings, my way I want to deal with our concerns boils down to your way?"
H: " The ultimatum was yours, I was planning on telling Michelle that it doesnt' work the way things are, spend at least one more time with her, she was telling me that she didn't want me to going to BC (our plan was to go to see his parents with our kids at Christmas) and I told her I was going, she said if I went would be finished. C'est la vie".
I replied with: " If you would even have talked to me I might have known something, all I ever got was you turning your back to me."
H: "Yes, and I can see how I will feel being forced into this position, excellent, I can spend the rest of my days growing old wondering what if instead of knowing I did the right thing."
I replied with: "and how many times have I heard that? you two have broken up over and over only to get back together."
H: So what does it matter the number of times..it was tried on the end it happened."
H: "Thank you for the choices. You win"
H: I will leave it from this job forward to support us, I will stop trying to have us succeed and leave it in your hands."
H: "You win"
This morning he calls me. " just wanted to wish you happy birthday"..I said: "thank you...how was your evening?" He replied: "How do you think?"...the call ended 5 seconds after.
How am I supposed to live like this? I feel he hates and resents me...for doing the one thing he absolutely detests. I feel guilty for not being more compassionate and supportive. I couldn't live with her in my life with the constant texting and calls...and now I feel like everything is my fault.
I asked him if he would be interested in counselling..he said no..didn't think he needed it. So now what? I hated it before..and I hate it now. I am trying to be supportive and kind and all I get is " I will exist" and "you win". I want to throw my hands up and say "I am done". I never wanted any of this. I never asked for any of this. How am I supposed to heal and move on when I feel he hates and resents me? Like he has given up. It almost feels worse then it was before , and I couldn't take it then.
I do understand my husbands feelings. That is probably why it is difficult. I know he never went out looking for this to happen. I have always tried to be supportive, appreciate who he is as a person. He is a man who fell in love with another woman.. We have been best friends, husband and wife for 26 years. We have always supported each other, loved only each other, valued only each other... Until now. I had a hard time with that feeling. It would have been better for him to have a one night stand or two, then to fall in love with another woman. In his mind, he would do everything he could to keep us both happy, providing for me and her. I could never understand this concept.. How would he be able to keep two women happy when each other hated when he spent time with the other. She wanted him to leave me and his family, marry her and have his children... Basically what I had. He couldn't understand when I told him that when a woman has these feelings, she would always have those feelings.. it would never change for her. I had a hard time knowing he fell in love with another woman when throughout our life together he has always said he fell in love with me at first sight, and that I was the only woman he loved. I don't fault him for his feelings, they are what they are. Nothing is how it used to be.. And I hated the fact that we lost the connection we had. I hate how we have fought like we never did before. I hate how I started to resent him for not acknowledging to me how I felt. He would defend me to her and her to me.But never did I feel lately he would defend or console me ...to me! Why? I don't hate what happened, I completely understand how things progressed. I hated how I felt disrespected and ignored.. So ..... Now what? How do we move on.. When I feel like he hates me or at least resents me for issuing the ultimatum.. Doing so only for a bit of peace. How can we move on when I hate what I felt I had to? Now what do I do?
I posted twice in the last two days...i do not see it up. I realize I am being moderated, but did I say something or do something for them not to be posted. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you
I am hoping to get some help here. I gave hubby the ultimatum..and he chose me...but he is super angry, and heartbroken. ( they fell in love). I told him some of the things he told me..like if he concentrated on us and our marriage, that we would always have success. ( In other words quit thinking about what he and the OW were doing)I have been trying to be supportive and give him validation and I have acknowledged his feelings. . I went to bring the kids to finish thier Christmas Shopping and they wanted to see him ( he works out of town), and he stayed at work late. ... (they are under a super tight deadline and was working to get it done before the holidays). When I told him where we were, he said he wasn't going to be there any time soon. We spoke on the phone and he told me he didn't want to see me..he was that angry. He wanted space and to think about what I had said and everything that had happened. He said he would be home on Dec 22, and would see us then. I said I understood I took the kids back home...telling them that he was working late and early in the morning. ( that much was true). I was heartbroken. Our 16 yr old was very upset, since they haven't seen much of thier father due to work and the OW. I have not called him or texted him much other then the basics.
I am keeping myself busy, ( I took the kids to my sister's to visit their cousins and did some shopping there for Christmas). Today I am working, and working a bingo for my kids. But I find I don't want to shop for him for Christmas. We are going to go to his parents for christmas..but not sure what to think or do.
Do I not count here? What about my feelings? What about any validation for how I feel? I find myself frustrated and angry still. I need to think about the consquences of my actions. That I will always wonder if he stayed with me because he truly does love me, or did he stay because I coerced him. ( make your choice..me or her)
It is like he refuses to take into consideration anything about me. That is all about him and his feelings. I don't know what to do? I have thought about telling that I need space too.
It feels like no matter what I do...I am getting punished for my feelings, thoughts and actions. I need some help on what to do. Why does it always seem that is about him and his feelings? As the feelings I was getting before, are still here, and I am not able to talk to him.
If you have ther resources to get counseling for the two of you or even just for yourself, now is the time. The DB counselor I worked with was really helpful btw.
When he says it's all about what you want, what exactly does he mean? Do you know? Is it solely aboyt the trip to Las Vegas?
If he is willing to talk with you, the toughest part for you right now may be to zip your lip, not defend yourself and listen. How he feels is valid even if you don't agree with his take on things, keep it to yourself. Validate what he's saying. Ask him what a good R with you looks like to him.
Well, as you've learned, they can't have an A and then just be friends b/c the W is okay with it. Unfortunately, you gave them a silver plated excuse to continue their A "openly" and throw it back in your face. That's got to hurt!
You've come to the right place for help. This is a supportive community. I hope you'll come post every day b/c that will draw more people to your thread.
Read the book Divorce Remedy ASAP. While you're waiting for the book, read other threads & chapters here.
Take a big deep breath. You've got to fight fire with fire. You can't be nice and sweet to the OW. She's after your man. But it's not all her fault, is it?
You are starting a tough journey with a lot of new information. What you were trying does not work, but you will find out more about it.
What are your ages, kids, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Grace...yes, I did do think I would be ok with them being "friends" under the assumption that it would be platonic...not sexual or in a relationship. Dummy me for thinking it would work since she moved 1800 miles away and they wouldn't see much of each other, ( or so he said)
But as time went on..it didn't matter where we were, anytime we were together either alone or with the kids, she would constantly text, and he would reply. I found myself begging, pleading for it to stop, and he would try and minimize it. I will give him credit for that. But I would get resentful, angry, try and talk to him about it. And he would pull away. I was more and more angry about what HE was doing then anything else. I felt there was NO consideration for how I felt. I couldn't get away from it at all...and thought I was losing my mind.
When I came back from a trip he was supposed to go with me, and couldn't because of work ...I was so angry for a couple of reasons, I have always put him and his work first, and I was angry at myself for not putting myself first. Needless to say, the night was a mess.
Two days later, I told him her or me as thier trip was coming in a few days. I couldn't stand it, and I refused to lie or deceive the kids anymore about where he was and who he was with. I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore. The very thing I taught my kids about honesty, etc I was doing to them.
He did chose me..and our family, but he is so angry, he refused to see me the day he was supposed to leave. ( two days AFTER my birthday, and I wouldn't even be seeing him until Christmas, drove me mental). Things are tense, somedays they are ok, but still haven't seen each other since the ultimatum. Christmas is coming and are supposed to be going to this parents...and extremely anxious about it. At a loss here.
