My wife wants to separate

[KLB]

Be careful with the compliments. They have to be real and sincere. And they should be short. Like:
You look nice today.
That's a pretty dress.
Thanks for making sure we always have food for the baby.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX OR BEING SEXY. She is insecure. Compliments give her reassurance. This is where you begin to break the story on her head that you don't value her.

Don't blame your W for your issues with sex. I did the same thing. My W put on considerable weight with our children. I thought that if she lost the weight I would be more sexual with her. But that is a lie. I don't care if you say, "I just am naturally attracted to thinner women." That is an excuse for your issues. Your W could have lost the weight, but she hasn't. Why? Because you don't treat her like she's sexually attractive. We don't love beautiful women. We lust after them, but we don't love them. Women become beautiful when you love them. I bet your W is more attractive now than she was 3 months ago. That's because she has forced you to change your priorities and you are looking at her with loving eyes.

I say this because this is what I've done.

Do not blame your W for anything. Stop it. Nobody chooses to make bad choices. She has done the best she could, just like you. A marriage is not a union in which two are made into one. That's codependancy. A marriage is a choice two individuals make everyday to actively love each other and serve the other person.
The more actively you show your love in a marriage, the better the marriage will be. You've been pretty inactive in yours. So that's why you're here.

Don't beat yourself up about it. That will just make things worse. Remember we are all humans doing the best we can. Now you have to start doing better. To do that you need to change your actions. Changing how you behave will change how you feel about yourself. How you feel about yourself will change how your W thinks and feels about you. And that may get her back.

This process is not about your W. it is about you becoming who you want to be. You've had a rude awakening. So now that you are awake, begin working on you.
This is a great opportunity. Take advantage of it. It feels like crap, I know, but start finding the positive in your situation. If you don't, you'll stay in the negative. And why would a woman want to be married to someone who is sad and negative?

[KLB]

Oh - the reason you don't talk about Sex is that this is a trigger for her. You + Sex = Negative feelings. So, for now, strike the word from your vocabulary.

Your goal with compliments is make her feel good. NOT to show her you are changing or you're a nice guy. That's why I recommend complimenting other people as well. You need to get into a giving habit. After you consistently give, you will see people start to give back.

[sandi2]

"I saw one success story where the H took the approach of being her best friend and it worked out for him."

Was that success story one you read here on the board, or was it the one Michele tells in her book?

[SM34]

how come there is no feedback anymore?

I spoke to my mother in law today and she said my W talked to her on the phone yesterday. The W mentioned something about her being 'This far into it' already, and then mother in law told her no, you know it is not too late to go back to your H, you know he loves you! She didn't respond.

Does that sound like she is having second thoughts?

[Grocerykartman]

In most cases I've seen on here, as well as my own, where the WAW is a cake eater, there's a reason they're a cake eater. They DO have second thoughts, strong ones. But, you need to not read too heavily into anything like this, because

a) the most you know is "something" about her being "this far into it"

b) what you hear one day can be negated by what you hear the next day

c) this is probably not even what you can consider a STEP in the right direction. My guess is she has had second thoughts all the way along. It's just that you are finally noticing the second thought, either by way of something she has finally broken down and said to her mom, accidentally said to her mom, or indifferently said to her mom, or it could just be a persepctive that has finally dawned on you.

What you can do though is file it in the back of your mind that she probably does have these second thoughts, and therefore, that is additional incentive for you to divorce bust and GAL and improve yourself and do all the things you need to be doing. Doing it for yourself still needs to be the primary, secondary, and tertiary motivators here, but it's not like she's running off with the other dude.

Calmly establish her appparent second guessing as fact, and then file it away and prioritize your energy on GAL and improving yourself by doing things you like to do and make you happy.

Also, don't worry, the board hasn't forgotten sbout you. Sometimes certain posts in a thread just don't lend themselves to responses the way other posts do.

[SM34]

Thank you for the awesome pointers. You are right, I think she has second thoughts sometimes. It is amazing though how they only retain the negative memories! She is telling her mom that she has been very.unfulfilled for 4 years now. She has blocked all the fabulous.memories like having our daughter etc..

Last night she made baked ziti =) now last time she cooked a few days ago, I saw that the next day when she was going,to OM she packed him some food. But today she did not, then she messaged me to say don't forget the ziti in the fridge. It bizarre the situation I find myself in.

We are in for a ride fellas!

[SM34]

Sandi I am not sure. I have readable much in the last couple of weeks that I don't remember the source. Probably the book though if it is in there.

I wanted to read your story and what made you decide to come back but i'm not sure how to find it. Do you have a link to that thread?

[SM34]

One more question. Do all WAW call the house 'home'? She keeps saying I will be home soon. How long does a woman who intends on getting divorced call the house home?

[KLB]

Hey there. Mine calls it her home because she kicks me out. Though I still pay for it. I think calling it home is just a habit and lack of alternative. don't read anything in to it.

Don't believe anything she says. Don't try to read between the lines. It will only cause trouble with her and disappointment for you.

If she is having second thoughts, that's fine for her. But don't do anthing or discuss them with her. Again, her mind is a crazy place right now. She wants it all, and knows she can't have it.

Make sure you are getting out and doing things. It is okay to make her watch the child while you go out.

Revisionist history is par for the course. I wish I knew half of what my W has told people about me. All of the females we mutually know are given me the coldest of shoulders or just cutting me off. She's needs to rewrite our lives to justify her decisions. Though, if I had been a terrible as she's made me out to be, it would make her the biggest loser in the world for marrying me - let alone staying in it for so long. But logic has no place in a WAW head.

[SM34]

So today is sunday and w wanted to.come.jpeg from OM house early so we can take our daughter to play. But, OM had something to do this morning and left her without a car at his place. He took all day! The W was a little frustrated I think, for the first time in their relationship. I.was happy to see he was unreliable and also did not respect that W needed to spend sunday with daughter. I think it is a wakeup call for W that things will be very different if we get divorced and she lives with OM.

She finally got home at 4pm instead of the usual 11am or 12. She also.asked me what I am making her for dinner =). I am now dbing in the other room while she floats around the house like she misses her domain. Women are funny creatures!