For those of the newbies, your probably don't know me since it's been about 4 years since I was an avid poster. However, during my separation, this was a life line for me. The people who post and offer advice are one in a million and gave me the lifeline when I needed it most. And that is what I would like to do for you.
My sitch in a nutshell. My husband turned 40 and went nuts. Left me, my two kids then 7 and 10 and took off with his secretary. I know..not too original. At that time,I was a mess. Did all the wrong things.. cried, begged, blamed, cursed, screamed, started to smoke, cried some more, and basically spent six months of my life in some type of warp.
Thank God for my friends and family who allowed me to heal behind closed doors and helped me with my kids, allowed me to get back on my feet (and finally kicked me in the a** when I needed it) and validated me when I was so desperate for the teeniest bit of confidence back.
Here I am, 8 years after my ex left - I am now engaged to a WONDERFUL guy, my kids (now 15 and 18) are doing GREAT (and they weren't back then). My son got into a great college and is playing football and 8 years ago I didn't even know if he would continue with sports or look anyone in the eye again - ever.
My daughter is straight A's in high school and is one of the most thoughtful girls I know with sense of humor to boot, but it wasn't always this way.
So here are a few pointers I learned along the way that I wanted to share with you.
Lesson 1: My point is - the kids are going to be fine if you are fine. Do whatever it takes to create stability in your home, put your game face on and make it a priority to find happiness again. They don't need to hear how much you hate the new girlfriend (which I did) or how much of a freak their dad is (which mine was). Find an outlet (or better yet a good therapist) for all those negative avenues in your life and redirect them.
Lesson 2: Focus on what's working. Too much of our time is focused on what isn't working and what [censored] in our life. This only breeds more suckiness. Spend some time each night and write a gratitude list. This will redirect your focus towards the right in your life. When doing this, this will eventually have you feeling more balanced and grateful for what you have, rather than what you don't have.
Lesson 3: Focus on what you want. Okay, it may be wanting your mid-lifer back. Yeah, I get that. And I did too. But for now, focus on what you want for YOU. Do you want a new job? A better butt? Well, then start searching on Linkedin for a new career and start doing squats at the gym. My point is, stop using all your energy on wanting your ex and put it towards bettering you. When you make that shift, it is more attractive anyway when you start to respect yourself again. I let myself go..majorally go..for a while after my H left. And when I started to reclaim who I was on the outside, I started to feel better on the inside. Make you a priority and start a You to do list.
Lesson 4: Get some sleep. Being on the computer late at night is the world's WORST thing to do, for many reason. Researchers say that the light from the screen can trigger you like a big cup of coffee. Also, have you ever had research brain? It's when you are in some kind of dazed state and you keep googling? Yup..we all do it. Start some nice ritual at night to get yourself relaxed and in a sleepy mode. Having enough rest can change everything into a better direction.
Lesson 5: Keep your mouth shut Talk about your situation to the right people or it will come back to haunt you. Mine did. I was ready to tell the mailman what creep my ex was (and I probably did). Then, fast forward three years later. I am feeling good, have a new job, dating New Guy and then someone floats into my life again who knows all my crap. They ask me about it when I see them at the Acme. It sends me spiraling down. You get it. Have a few good girlfriends, once again a good therapist and maybe a family member or two to talk to (if they can handle it). If you tell too many people, you are going to get way too many opinions from people who have never walked in your shoes. And if that doesn't screw you up even more, nothing will.
Less 6. Cut yourself some slack. Repeat after me - I am not perfect. You are allowed to mess up, do stupid things, say the wrong things in front of the kids and go nuts on your ex. It's in the script. We all do it. But the key is to learn from your mistakes so you try not to do them again. You have never been down this road before and you never knew that you would be down this road, so how the he** should you know how to handle a guy who has recently started to date a girl 20 years younger who wants your consent cause he's happy? Are you kidding me? Do the best you can do. Find resources (like here) to help and give yourself credit for each baby step you take.
Honestly, believe it or not, you will not be obsessing over your H or ex in a few years from now if you do what I recommended. It's a boot camp to having you back again. And if you do reconcile with your H in the future, you will be stronger and better version of you by doing this.
As for me, I have been living on my own since 2004 and engaged since 2008. We decided to go slow for the kids sake and we both had budding careers that we needed to get a hold of before starting a marriage.
I believe that the biggest gift I have been given is having me back again. I got married at 24 and was divorced by 38. I am now 44 and have gone on many twists and turns that I can be proud of, even if they weren't by choice.
Start your YOU campaign today, guys. You are way more special than you believe and it's time that you picked yourself up by your bootstraps and put that focus back on what you want for now.
Thank you MTN for the encouragement! Nice to hear from someone who's "been there" and made it through!
Your comment about your son hit home; mine has been having a lot of anger issues and I can't help but think it's due to all the stress between my H and me.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I'm so happy to come here and see that you've posted. I'm very proud of you and your children. I can't believe how much they have grown...but time sure doesn't stand still. Congratulations to your son and daughter. They have survived the crisis and are doing well.
I'm very happy for you and your special man. I think it is very wise to take things slowly and you know what? You deserve all of the happiness that the world can offer you. Congratulations!
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know what made me log in today. I have not thought about this forum for a long time. However, not long ago I was thinking about you. Maybe it was because Bruce was just here.
Anyway I am glad to hear how well you are doing. Congratulations on your engagement.
Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.
I hope that you and your family are doing well. May you and your family have a wonderful holiday season.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
