The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

[SunnyBurst]

Hey all
MY 3rd thread – oh boy –

#1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...250#Post2282250

#2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...402#Post2288402

When my wife talks to me I feel like going into my Don Corleone voice when he talks to Bonasera – “what did I ever do to you to make you speak to me so disrespectfully. “

So after the onslaught of 2x4 whacks to the head from MLC25. I really started to stand back and try to STOP trying to figure this whole thing out – there is nothing to figure out. But it is time for brutal honesty on my part anyway – lets go back and I will tell you the whole story – this is a long one so pull up a cockroach and sit down !!!

I married the girl of my dreams – I saw her in a local park I was with my friend Pat and I said – WHO IS THAT ?? He Said it’s XXXXX she is friends with XXXXX & XXXXX and I said I am gonna marry that girl !!! It took me 2 months to see her again and I asked her out – we spent 3 years dating – all amazing. We spent 2 years engaged and we will be married 10 years on 11/30.

I was a very strong confident business man then – I had my stuff together. I believed in myself and I wasn’t afraid of anything. I was always smiling and laughing. I ran a retreat program for teenagers in Brooklyn. I was always doing and caring for other people – we went to feed the homeless, visit the elderly and had toy drives every year.

We got married in 2002 and with 8 months found a home, moved and started a new life together in a new borough.

I spent the 1st 4 years of the marriage working my tail off both at work and at home working 15-18 hours a day – always planning stuff to do and making sure me and my wife spent lost of time together. Dating, movies romatic dinners etc. I worked on the house & yard all the time. Made dinner every night – and my wife was happy.

In 2006 we had our 1st child – my wife and I both continued to work – I would watch my son on Mon, Wed, & Thurs – she would watch him on Tues, Thurs & Sat. and we would spend Sunday together with him. Life was great for both of us. My wife wanted to quit her job and work closer to home this she had been asking me since appx. 2005 and I just said next year and this would continue on because in my mind it was the easiest job in the world and she got paid huge bucks for it, every time she complained to her bosses about something they changed it for her – so I just ignored her crys to get out of there – what a HUGE mistake this was – she was dying in that job and I just didn’t take the time to see how much it was killing her.

In 2008 my business was wacked out of existence – I got very depressed – I moped around and lost all my drive for life. I stopped planning our future we where just on the verge of extending our home and I couldn’t care less. I stopped takin care of myself put on 50 pounds, I was lazy, sad and emotionally gone ( I actually think this I was going through a MLC ) I wanted to divorce her and leave her – never told her – I have great faith in God and as much as I knew it would be a relief to leave her I knew I would never find better and I knew that I would never be any happier without her than I was with her ( this is something that most MLC people can’t see clearly I thank God I could)

I felt like I just lost everything I been working for for 20+ years and she didn’t even care. I became selfish, wanted sex all the time whether she was in the mood or not – it didn’t matter – and it was mostly about my pleasure (though I didn’t see this at the time I can see it now)

So I told her all the time I feel like a loser a failure – she never consoled me – I got angrier. She said don’t worry I am making good money – you’re making some money – we will manage and you are doing such a great job raising Mickey it doesn’t bother me – don’t worry.

We started using pot and drinking to get in the mood the sex was hot and heavy but we started to lose the intimacy. I didn’t even notice it - she told me she loved me every day – how was I supposed to know – OF COURSE IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME – why did we need to be intoxicated to make love – ugggg.

Another big thing is I really didn’t want children before I got married but I told her that since it was important to her I would be willing to have one – in 2008 she started asking for another baby and I said no – I wasn’t really listening to her – it was so damn important to her – and I didn’t see it I only cared about ME as usual !!!

In January of 2011 my wife told me she wanted to go to therapy as she wasn't feeling herself - I asked he if this had to do with me and if she wanted a divorce - she told me that she loved me completely and it had nothing to do with me and she wasn't feeling herself.
And never ever wanted to divorce me.

One night in March I approach her for sex - she is not in the mood - so I get a little upset (pouting like a baby like I had grown accustomed to doing ) - but I go downstairs - seeing she is upset I ask her what is wrong - she goes on with a laundry list of all the things she is mad at me for since before we were married. 1st it was choosing the wedding date - she felt like she had no say in it - they she tells me she doesn't want to have sex so much. I agree to let her control our sex life ( this is March 2011) Things were ok till around May. Seeing she was still unhappy I decided to talk to my sister (my best friend) and after discussing babies with my sister she told me if her husband ever said she couldn’t have a baby she would hate him, divorce him and never forgive him. I told my wife the next day that if we go to counseling and things get better between us I would discuss having another baby with her - no promises - but if she was that unhappy about it I would at least give it some serous consideration.

So we are sitting in our backyard in July and she told me that she is happier and enjoying me more - a few days later we are making love in and I pull out as usual and she is like why don't you just come inside me -- I was like no - she says things are good between us so why don't we have another baby - I said if things were better I would discuss it - not guarentee it -- and I wasn't really secure that things were better and I told her I wanted to go to therapy but she didn't answer me.

Things are pretty much status quo things seem peaceful for the summer. In Oct I see she is moody and I talk to her and this is when I get the ILYBIANILWY speech ( is this the start of Replay ??? ) She says she doesn’t know if she loves me. That night we have a B-way play to go to that night - I go but I am not in the best mood. In the car she says I am sorry I know you’re mad. The next night we start to make love I tell her I love her - she starts crying and says I love you and I am so sorry - really crying hard.

The next 4-5 is amazing - it's like we are newly weds - I am so happy I feel like all my compromising and concentrating on her happiness is working - then right after Thanksgiving she tells me “I can’t believe I get to fall crazy in love with you again” She sinks back down again needing a few drinks to really get into sex - we go to Disney for 4 days before Xmas she is there - but not there - I don't know what to do she is cold and distant.

We get home on 1/7 she gets back to work and her boss really yells at her about a project she is working on and missunderstood -- she is so upset she keeps it in the next morning she puts our son on the school bus and wakes me up hysterically crying and tells me she has to find new work and she can't go into work for a while - I told her we will find her a new job -- I calm her down and she stays home for the day.


Now she says I need to go back to therapy - the old therapist was insane money ( I wish I made her go because the new one was terrible – if you think therapy is expensive you should see what a divorce costs !! ) and did not take insurance so I had heard of a great therapist that works at my sons school she was fine with it but since he is in charge of my sons school he is not allowed to do therapy on parents of students. He recommends a few therapist – she goes once and seems much better – I tell her I want to go to so we can work on stuff. After one visit she says my wife is depressed and my wife wants to go on meds for it she says she needs something. Things are ok but she is still distant - I have to go on a trip to California on 1/18/12 the Sat before I leave we have a night of beautiful night she is so passionate and loving without any drinking I am thinking things are getting better again.

The night before I left we made love but it wasn’t that loving to be honest before I leave but it is cold and unfeeling. I leave the next morning – she gives me hug says have fun – but doesn’t say I love you I call her every day from Cali the phone calls are great on Wed, Thur, Fri & Sat – on Sat she tells me “I love you sweetie” (that was the last time I ever heard her say I love you BTW) I get home Monday morning at 6 AM – now hug, no kiss no I miss you.

That night I come to bed and she says I am not in the mood to make love. I say ok you want to snuggle a little – she says ok – but doesn’t come to bed to do it – we’re talking and she says I know that you let me dictate our sex life but I still feel pressure and I don’t want to have sex till I am ready – I ask her if her therapist suggested that – she said no it was her – and she was upset that I thought her therapist might have suggested it. Then I ask her how long and she tells me she doesn’t know. I tell her you’re more important than the sex so I said it’s ok. That week is ok no sex – she goes to her therapist on Thursday and she comes home and tells me that she is ready to have me come into her sessions with her. She says she the therapist thinks that she is angry because she feels like she was forced to have sex with me and we MIGHT be able to work on it – SHE SAID THE THERAPIST DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE OUTCOME would be. She goes on Paxil and she gets even angrier.

So I make an appointment for the both of us we go. The Sunday before our appointment we go on a date to the city for a very romantic dinner and when we get home she says thank you for trying so hard and we start kissing she gets turned on but I am not myself I am freaked what do I do – do I touch her etc. She takes off her pants but I guess I wait to long cuz I am so unsure about what to do we have intercourse for a while but I don’t feel she wants it – I fake it and we go downstairs after we watch a show and she says thanks for such a nice night and goes to sleep.


We go to the therapist on Tuesday. She tells the therapist that she told me she didn't want to have any sex till she was ready, and says and he asked me "how long" sounding like she expected the therapist to side with her. The therapist says of course he did married people have sex. Then we discussed what my wife feels about sex to make a long story short I agree that all physical contact for the next 2 weeks has to be initiated by my wife, I also can’t do anything sweet like buy her flowers, cards, gifts – nothing. This was the beginning of the end she just pulled away more and more and on March 31 she asked me for a separation.

You guys have been so much help – but the fact is I MESSED UP – A LOT – here I had a wonderful girl who I left alone and now I am paying the price for it.

Working on me is hard – I fight it everyday seeing this man next door most days and knowing my wife is talking, texting and dreaming about him makes me sick – but I am fighting – I am fighting.

T2 I am so impressed with you dude – I don’t know how you do it but you are an amazing man – your wife is sooo lucky bro – I am a song writer too and I know what you mean about not being able to write cuz of the tears but I am starting to right again.

My therapist made me agree that we will evaluate this situation again on 1/29/2013 – that is a year since me and my wife last touched. SHE picked the date don’t yell at me and call me a perve LOL.

She is sneaking out 1 or 2 nights a week to my neighbors house between 3 and 4 am – I don’t know if this guys fiancé works nights or whatever but I never see her anymore maybe the broke up but I can’t imagine how he affords the rent on his own. But I don’t see her ever. So maybe he is single now.

I am still working out, working 2 jobs making good money, supporting my family, doing what my wife wants without argument but with healthy boundries most of the time – I am finding my voice again and my strength – I want to be the best dad I can be for my boy – and I struggle with breaking this desire for my wife. I also struggle to have no expectations – thanks to MLC25 I now know what true detachment means. I haven’t had a DB phone coaching session since September because she seems to contradict a lot of you and I want to do something that works.

Thanks for listening I have a bunch of questions but I want to get them together more – I thank you for all your kindness and tough love --

[caigy72]

Sunny, I dont have advice or words of wisdom as I am barely tugging along myself.

What an honest post, I commend you for that for being so brutally honest as I wish I could be that open!

I wish you the best of luck as the love you have for your wife is very clear...lets hope she wakes up and smells reality.

[TSquared2]

Hey Sunny,

Thank you for this, it is hard to expose things and be possibly vulnerable. Since you are getting more questions together, I have some as well, and a comment or two...

-- she never consoled me –-- She said don’t worry I am making good money – you’re making some money – we will manage and you are doing such a great job raising Mickey it doesn’t bother me – don’t worry.

^^^ Is consolation. She was saying that she had it covered until your got your groove back, but don't take forever.

Another big thing is I really didn’t want children before I got married but I told her that since it was important to her I would be willing to have one – in 2008 she started asking for another baby and I said no – I wasn’t really listening to her – it was so damn important to her – and I didn’t see it I only cared about ME as usual !!!......she says things are good between us so why don't we have another baby - I said if things were better I would discuss it - not guarentee it -- and I wasn't really secure that things were better

So a few posts ago you were thinking of looking elsewhere because you're rolling in on 50 and want more kids? I'm confused...

here I had a wonderful girl who I left alone and now I am paying the price for it.

What do you mean here by "left her alone"?

I haven’t had a DB phone coaching session since September because she seems to contradict a lot of you and I want to do something that works.

As 25 pointed out, what version of things did you tell the coach? Coaches, therapists, forums can only help as far as anyone is willing to tell the whole story, know what I mean? Advice given on half information is half as useful sorta thing...And as far as the therapist, I am surprised that they didn't have a couple/few sessions with you to get both sides of the story before recommending some course of action, but that is just my opinion.

And rolling back to an earlier question about your male role models...how about your heroes? Some of mine were, in no particular order, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Engineer Scotty, John Wayne, Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart, Hawkeye Pierce, Jim Morrison, William Blake, Albert Camus, and on and on...my point was, pick one and ask yourself, "How would manly {insert role model here} handle this?"

Looking forward to your responses...

T^2

[SunnyBurst]

Maybe I shouldn't have posted so much information here - I don't know I was just in a melancholy mood and I decided to post it - I think it might have been a mistake.

Oh well anyway to answer your questions T2

>>>>>>>>>>What do you mean here by "left her alone"?<<<<<<<<<<<

Yes I left her alone because I stopped talking to her and making or relationship a priority.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>So a few posts ago you were thinking of looking elsewhere because you're rolling in on 50 and want more kids? I'm confused...<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I didn't want more kids but now that my son is getting bigger and I am not afraid of being able to provide for more kids (this was a big fear) I want to have 1 or 2 more kids.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>As 25 pointed out, what version of things did you tell the coach? Coaches, therapists, forums can only help as far as anyone is willing to tell the whole story, know what I mean? Advice given on half information is half as useful sorta thing...And as far as the therapist, I am surprised that they didn't have a couple/few sessions with you to get both sides of the story before recommending some course of action, but that is just my opinion.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

She knows even more detail than here - she knows about mine and my wifes family as well.

>>>>>>>>>>>>And rolling back to an earlier question about your male role models...how about your heroes? Some of mine were, in no particular order, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Engineer Scotty, John Wayne, Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart, Hawkeye Pierce, Jim Morrison, William Blake, Albert Camus, and on and on...my point was, pick one and ask yourself, "How would manly {insert role model here} handle this?"<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I don't know how Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods would handle this exactly but I know he wouldn't quit as of yet so I am not ready to throw in the towel.

I have also with the help of my psychotherapist stopped "idealizing" my relationship my wife. She makes me see that everything with my wife was not perfect even though that's all I tend to remember now. My wife is selfish and her family dynamic is selfishness - she told me that a person is 90% there family so that is something I consider now.

This is a tough month we got engaged on 11/24 which we always celebrated and 11/30 is our 10th wedding anniversary - what the hell do I do about that !!! My inlaws are gonna be here from 11/21 till 12/21 my FIL and I are redoing the kitchen.

Some interested pursuit/distance stuff. Last night when I came home I walked in my wife was awake and I didn't say hello to her she didn't acknowledge me - went to bed didn't say GN to her she didn't acknowledge me - left for gym this morning didn't say hello to her she didn't acknowledge me - came home from gym didn't say hello to her - she didn't acknowledge me - this morning went up to shower got dressed came downstairs she was working in the kitchen - she finally broke and said it's gonna be nice to have more space for things in the kitchen. I said sure will - then I was leaving for work kissed my boy and said goodbye to him - she said wait I have to ask you something - but didn't remember what it was -- so by me ignoring her she comes closer - weird - weird

Thanks for your help and insight T2 !!!

Sunny

[AJM]

T2 is right - what did you tell the coach? I think that might be helpful to know.

I don't see it as messed up your chance. I don't think this is that much about you, as much as you'd like it to be. So you could fix it and make it up to her. I see you see the need for some changes. That's a good thing. But I think there's more to this, for the record

Glad you're finding your voice. I think that's critical no matter what comes about. I think if you're going to have a chance, finding your voice will be part of the key.

Be well!
Peace,
AJ

[SunnyBurst]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>T2 is right - what did you tell the coach? I think that might be helpful to know. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I addressed that - she knows more than I post here - she also knows alot about my family and her family - she is on leave till February
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I don't see it as messed up your chance. I don't think this is that much about you, as much as you'd like it to be. So you could fix it and make it up to her. I see you see the need for some changes. That's a good thing. But I think there's more to this, for the record :)<<<<<<<<<<<<<
What do you mean there is more to this ???
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Glad you're finding your voice. I think that's critical no matter what comes about. I think if you're going to have a chance, finding your voice will be part of the key.<<<<<<<<<<<<

Thank you for your support I am finally stopping being so afraid all the time - this was a big step for me

[hrm134]

Hey Sunny, just a couple of things.... first, love the new thread title!

Second, the 10 year anniversary is going to svck, there is no other way to put it, it's not going to be what it should have been, trust me, I know, ours was back in September, not how I pictured our 10 year for sure! I got H a card, which I found out later made him mad (probably because it was chipping away at the fake "never happy together" scenario he had carefully orchestrated in his head to replace the truth, and not the reason he said, "because he thought I didn't take him seriously). Anyway, just prepare yourself for it not being the way you may have pictured it, also don't think it will "wake her up" or anything, it won't.

As everyone says, it's a process, we have no control over it, they are all so right, and the sooner you are able to come to terms with that the better. Especially for you, trust me I know, and you know what, the last few months of not feeling anxious or not taking on his feelings have been nice. Yeah I get angry, sad, emotional sometimes, but that's to be expected, but it's also different than it was before. I am filled with more peace and joy in instances months ago that would have caused me great anxiety. It's complicated to explain, but you will understand when you get there. I think part of it is trying to come to terms with the fact this is all so messed up and what seems obvious to everyone else is not obvious to the MLCer, it is what it is, you can't make sense out of crazy, so I stopped trying. Just take it one day at a time.

Third, listen to T, I find him to be a very wise man and I always appreciate his comments on my thread.

Fourth, deep cleansing breath, you are doing a good job, just keep working on you, don't worry about what W may or may not be doing, remember she lives in Crazytown, don't let her drag you in. Soon enough you will find the humor in some of her crazy behavior, trust me, you will.

Now for some advice I am trying to remember to practice in my own life: Stop making problems out of something that isn't a problem. Meaning, stop worrying so much about tomorrow, it will worry about itself, and God will give you everything you need to get through it.

[TSquared2]

Hi Sunny,

I think it was good for you to post what you did, man I remember how hard it was for me to post the blunt truth in my first few posts about the sitch history, especially my "bad" parts...not something I typically do. But you know, after I got used to it, it was freeing...

As far as the anniversary...maybe just get her a "not mushy" card, that usually isn't a problem for us guys, right? lol Maybe something along the lines of what you would get your sister or a friend.

AJ has awesome advice, think about his questions to you, you'll learn a lot about yourself doing so.

What hrm posted to you was spot on, yes, humor will eventually come if you let it.

I noticed something new:

I am finally stopping being so afraid all the time - this was a big step for me

Fear is the mind killer, it puts you in your own way...keep conquering it!

Hang in there and keep working on you!

T^2

[AJM]

Oh man is it. Fear is the worst. In anything we do. If you learn nothing else in your life, learn to not be afraid before you're 90


AJ

[SunnyBurst]

But I think there's more to this, for the record

Hey AJ I am unsure what this means -- could you explain further ???