We need a better attitude around here.

[DaddyLongShanks]

We need a better attitude around here.

With the LBS situation, it is very depressing to read.

When you finally decide to take control of yourself, it's like going to war for many of us...

That anger can get you deeper into trouble and cause you to build up walls.

I've just been thinking, when I come to this site I get depressed. I'm sure many of you do as well, but this board and boards like it where a great source of help and motivation, when I felt isolated being tortured by a WAS.

To help some of the other LBS members, well we do need that "fighting chanuce" spirit, also GAL anad 180.

But we also need something that keeps us really positive. With true detachment, you have essentially let the other person go. I wanted to mention that, because many of us where saying detached and we are still doing husbandly and wively duties as well as concern, worry, etc...

What would have helped me being in an LBS position was other LBS(s) who socilaize, talk on the phone or talk about some really positive things. Actually enjoying their lives and knowing everything is going to be OK no matter what the WAS does.

[greatwhitenorth]

I was absolutely gutted when H left. I posted a lot.

Today, I rarely post but maybe I should. But I guess I don't because my life isn't about my H or my marriage or its breakdown anymore.

I have detached completely and am doing fantastic. Most days H doesn't even cross my mind.

I haven't talked to H in two months, apart from a text from him on my birthday. The lack of contact doesn't phase me. I don't care. I see my marriage in its true colours, both the good and the ill. I no longer make excuses for his choices. Yes, he was/is in pain (legitimately so), but he is an adult and I was his wife. His behavior was inexcusable, but it was also forgivable. These are not the same things.

Today I feel more like I felt when I first met H, and less like the person I'd become in the context of my marriage. My work situation gets me down sometimes, but I can truly say I'm happy.

What breaks my heart the most here is seeing good people allowing themselves to be treated poorly, all the while making excuses for their H/Ws and thinking that somehow smiling through the emotional punches is a good thing. I'm not sure DBing is about subjugating your needs to your WAS/MLCs. There comes a point when it seems, for some, they'll never see things for what they are, in so far as the things they write are a fair reflection of reality.

I felt my pain, licked my wounds and then got on with it because I didn't have a choice. So in your words, DLS, I am actually enjoying my life and I know that everything is going to be OK no matter what H does.

[Starsky309]

Great thread -- and sorely needed discussion.


Starsky

[bustingout]

I think I am detached at times and I do truly feel positive and feel like I am living good. I laugh, am happy and enjoy my GAL.

Its three things really for me:

1. I think I have detached, and then a thought floats in, a memory or a pang of sadness stemming from something i saw, smelt, ate or felt, and I realize maybe I am not yet detached. And then I remember it happens in layers. And I force myself to change my thoughts.

2. We have two young kids. I see him whenever he is town as he comes to see the kids. I am still finding a balance between being detached and being cold when I am around him. I try to treat him friendly, whether or not he is receptive. He is in my house, so I should treat him as I would any other visitor in my house.

3. Is detached not caring at all about our WAS? To a certain extent I can understand if we didn't have kids how becoming detached may look different. But I do struggle with it.

Thanks for starting this thread. There is nothing more I want than to not feel like this anymore. At first I thought if H just came back then all would be fine. Of course now I know better and I am doing better. But yes, would still like to detach more.

DLS-I do enjoy life. I do socialize and talk on the phone lol And I do BELIEVE I am going to be ok no matter what.

Thanks for starting this thread.

[Soul.Searching]

I think there should be a forum titled "All about me" or "The adventures of GAL" or something along those lines. One where anyone can start threads about anything other than their S or R.
A forum to put some "Light" in to the "dark".