New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

Today H initated contact again. NOT ME! Aren't you guys proud! I haven't initated contact in about 2 weeks (or maybe longer). I haven't actually seen H since the weekend after Thanksgiving either. It seems he text for something about every 2 - 4 days. Today it was concerning Christmas presents for DD and then I asked about halfing some stuff I got DD for winter formal and then dr bills for DD. We texted for a few minutes about DD wanting belly button pierced (we agree no) and then her school is requiring all 9-12 graders to get iPads next year and my parents are buying it, but I asked H if he wanted to 1/3 it with us. Just basically talk concerning DD.
She has seen him in a week either. She had plans last week and doesn't change her plans to see him... which I think is fitting. I let them work all that out, I don't get involved. She told me he was picking her up from school today. Which is fine, I need to do some Xmas shopping!

AND, I'm making changes around the house. We remodeled our first floor about 5 years ago. I didn't hang anything behind my couch wanting just the perfect thing, well now I'm tired of having an empty spot. So I'm buying and hanging some stuff (I got an unexpected Christmas gift from previous employee $$). Making plans to do the same thing over my buffet, one of my gifts from my parents are bushes for my landscaping to finish it, and then I'm going to make a headboard for my bed. Just a few things because I CAN DO it on my own!

I woke up crying this morning because it was the first time I've dreamed of him since he left (that I remember). It was sad, but then I gathered myself and told myself I WAS going to have a good day. Then I think about all the lies he's told me and I get a tiny bit mad and I'm better!

I still wonder daily how you can just switch off your feelings for someone. How you can say vow to love someone forever and then choose not to. I struggle with that daily. I know I'll never have the answers I want, but eventually hopefully I'll have closure.

[notsurewhat2do]

Okay, H initated contact again today. I did initate on 12/11 asking if he would get our dogs shaving for their bed, he responded yes and I said Thank You... 3 text message convo. Today, he contacted me telling me he left me a check to cover 1/2 of DD's winter formal expenses. And asked where the bank papers where that he wanted me to sign (I didn't sign, just told him what was the rush, just change the address for the statements). I told him where I thought they were, then asked if he was still at the house. He said no, why? I said just wondering if you would left house dog out. He didn't answer. Then I asked if he wanted to go in together and get DD a "big" Christmas present or just do individuals. He said no.

Here is what confuses me.... why contact me to tell me he left me a check? I'd see it when I get home. What does is have to contact me every 3 to 4 days? It is starting to unnerve me that he comes and goes so freely in our home, but this is the advice I was given last night:

I went to a Divorce Care support group called Surviving the Holidays. (Good tips on things to do to help you through the holidays). The leaders where a married couple who had each been married previously and divorced 10 years and then married each other. The have been leading the groups for 15 years. So lots of experience and been there done that advice. I had never met them before. They were really nice, friendly. At the end of the session, the husband leader looks at me and says "XXXX I just want to say, I've known you all of 2 hours, I've listened to a little of your story and I've been leading these for a long time. My gut instinct tells me that your H is in MLC and drepression and he's going to wake up and want to come home." I started crying. I've heard that at least 3 times now. His wife agreed and said he'll figure out you are his rock and he loves you. H still has stuff at my house, a room of his clothes, etc. And hunting stuff that he hasn't moved yet (guns and turkey stuff). The leader wife suggested I set boundaries for H since he comes and goes as he wants. Even if it's just telling him to let me know when he's coming over. Then she said she'd set a time frame for H to have all his stuff out. Leader husband disagreed. He said from a man's perspective, he thinks H would feel like the door is completely shut if I made him get all his stuff out. I said I agree, that's why I haven't really pushed him. I've said it in anger, but I'm over it now and glad I haven't pushed. It's a double edge sword. I'm not ready to push, just like I'm not ready to sign the bank papers. I wouldn't have pushed him signing the house if I wasn't worried about OW talking him into something else. I wouldn't even had paper drawn up yet if it wasn't for him agreeing to let me have 1)more in child support than state required and 2)him giving me bascially everything.

I need to journal, but don't have time today. Maybe tomorrow???

[notsurewhat2do]

Sorry correction: regarding text message convo, he said what do you consider "big". I said IDK what do you think? He said no clue? I looked at DD xmas list and responded: I guess nevermind. Her list doesn't have anything big on it, just smaller items and giftcards. He hasn't and probably won't respond.

[notsurewhat2do]

This was a terrible weekend. Friday night on the way home from Basketball game, DD told me that she told a friend about the "dad situation" (as she calls it) and the friend was very sweet and hugged her, she said she almost started crying. It made me so unbelievably sad. Just that she HAS to explain anything to anyone because of what he is doing. Then Saturday DD went to Winter Formal. I texted H and told him it was that night and he asked what time, he'd come over. I told him and he came. It was so hard to watch him leave.... it made me miss him so much. We had normal conversation about stuff, christmas, dogs, etc. And then we took pix with DD. I am SO GLAD he came for DD. I know it meant a lot to have him experience it with her. She looked totally gorgeous. It would have made any dad proud. But for me, it was bittersweet. I hated watching him leave and me not know where he was going. So, this weekend was a weepy weekend. I tried to stay busy, but even then your brain still works a lot. I jut hate the run of emotions. One minute, I'm ready to throw in the towel and say yes, I'm ready to move on. The next I can't stand the thought. The next I'm so very angry and the next I just don't understand. I feel like it soooo very unfair of him. He SAYS he had months to think about this. Why can't he give me the same things. Why couldn't he talk to me first and us decide together. Don't people do that. Talk about how bad things are; decide together what is going to happen. How do you spring something on someone a expect them to be happy about it and move on within 2 months. SO NOT FAIR! I am speaking in generalities here because of MY situation, but I have no sympthay for anyone who does that to their spouse. The ONLY reason you should never talk to your spouse about divorce is if there is abuse involved and physical danger.

I hate being alone. I have never felt so lonely in my life!



OH YEA, another things. Friday, DD was sick when she got up. I texted him and asked him if could come over and check on her sometime during the day (remember, he doesn't have a job, does Lawncare, but it's Dec ... not much to do)ANd he said ... ah NO! I had it last Thursday and Friday, I don't want it again, plus I'm going out of town and don't want it again. I was like, this is YOUR child. And it must be nice to have money to go out of town. He responded. I'm not paying for a dime! My response, yea, I've heard that before. What am I suppose to do, I have to work. - by now, I'm made because I have a sick child and he isn't working, but only thinking about himself. He said he'd come over, and then explained what he is doing. Which is a hunting trip and it's paid for. I know who is going with, etc. I was fine after he explained and we even had convo about it. It's a cool deal. But Sunday afternoon, I saw on FB that one of the guys he is going with is still hunting in another state. So, I sent H a message that said, are you really going hunting.Please don't lie to me. You've hurt me enough aleady and lying to me only makes it worse. He said YES I leave Tuesday morning. I said Okay, I just don't want to tell DD and it not be true. What a but*hole. I just wanted him to help out with DD. He didn't even have to stay all day, just call and check on her and go by the house if needed. She was actually better by lunch and he did call her several times, I think. And texted her because he was shopping.

So, yes, even knowing he was shopping, probably for Home-Wrecker made me so very sad too. I'm glad he was shopping for DD. He always got her something - just from him, that I didn't get or pick out. And he always did my shopping, even if I made him a list. So, knowing that this year I won't get anything from him makes me so utterly sad too. The first time in 22 years that I won't get a gift from H. I told DD that I needed to know for sure, and she said she'd ask. I assume since she's not told me anything, that means he's not. Just a bottle of my favorite perfume would be nice. But I have to remember, that we are seperated and there's a very very good chance that we will never reconcile and I will never have another Christmas exchanging gifts with him. I am so not looking forward to Christmas morning.

I did get a text from him Sunday morning that said "So why was DD still out at 1:30?" I said we went back to a friends house after formal to hang out. I was with them. They watched a movie. He said, "oh, well she was calling me at 2:00am and I was already in bed didn't know what she wanted". He leaves his phone on vibrate so he never hears it. That will need to change when DD turns 16 in the spring.

But then last night I sent a text because the toliet in our hall bath won't stop running and even turing the water off at the valve didn't stop it. He's worked on it twice now, so I told him about it. He told me something to check and I already checked that. But he said he'd come by the house and check it today.

I'm having dinner tomorrow night with an older lady that went through this same thing 7 years ago. She and her ex was married for 26 years. He told her he wanted a divorce in April, but they continued to live together till their oldest got married in Oct. She then found out about OW. Anyways, something that she told me was that she did not love ExH anymore. After 7 years she doesn't love him. She also said that her boys (married with kids) say that their dad knows he missed up his life. She said it would take serious repentence on ExH's part and serious persuing of her for her to think about it. I can't imagine NOT loving H. That made me so very sad too..... SO, actually other than the little "tiff" H and I had Friday morning, he didn't nothing out of the ordinary this weekend to make me sad. I feel like the closer to Christmas we get, the worse it will be. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be jolly for everyone else. But my heart is in a million pieces with no recovery in sight .....

[notsurewhat2do]

BTW, H did come fix the toilet. Thank you for keeping your word and fixing the toilet.

[notsurewhat2do]

Oh yea, for those with kids .....
I have a fear of DD holding in her anger and then rebelling or letting it out in unhealthy ways. I think with her age, she's not sure how to handle her emotions, she is talking with a few friends, but not much. And she doesn't with me because 1)she doesn't like talking about it and 2)she doesn't want to upset up. I think she is feeling out of control of the sitution so she is just making the best of it .... anyhoo... When DD was in 5th/6th grade H coached our school 5/6th grade football team. He loves coaching and is really good at it. We made friends with one of the boys and his dad. I think in 6th grade the boys parents divorced. It wasn't real common knowledge and was kept pretty quite. I asked the boy today if he would contact DD. I told him that she said a lot of her friends don't understand because they were so young when their parents split. So he said he would AFTER today, he is studying for exams. (He goes to a different school now). But he did tell me that at the time, he kinda ignored all the stuff and didn't care, but last year (almost 4 years later) he had like a break down, missed a lot of school and quit football. I said that's my fear, you are a good kid, but divorce has a major effect on kids. All the experts say they are tough and resilient, but I don't care what they say it effects them. He agreed. He said it has a major effect on kids and the longer it's bottled up the worse it is. He said he hated his dad with a passion for 4 years, then last year he just exploded on him and life has been so much better since then. He said he thinks the best thing is to let it out. He said he thinks the worse thing a parent can hear is that their child is angry at their actions or disappointed in them. He said when his dad found out that he hated what he had done and was utterly dissappointed in him it was a big pivot point for him.
WOW! I so needed to hear that. I'd love to sit down and talk to him one day. Just ask him what I, as mom, should or shouldn't do, what he wished had happend differently. I asked if he wishes he had told his dad that earlier and he said didn't know since everything worked out okay. He offered his mom up to me, saying she was the greatest. But I'm not that close with her and it would be awkward. I asked this guy friend to reach out to DD. That I thought she needed to hear his story. I did ask him not to tell him I asked him too, but just to check on her.
DD wants to talk to H, but not sure how.

Her girl-friend asked her Friday night if she wanted to meet OW and she said NO. She didn't want anything to do with her and was afraid if she met her she'd "go off on her". I really can see my DD completely ignoring her. She blames her as much as I do. Although I blame H too, I blame OW more. She saw an opportunity and took it. She saw a man who was unhappy. (story about this below) Wrong or right, I do. To me, she has ruined mine and DD's life. I will always blame her. And she will never be my friend. Regardless of H stays with her or not. NOW, if OW was not in the picture and they started dating later (like after divorce) I could see us being "civil" and maybe friends. But NOPE, I WILL NEVER BE HER FRIEND and she will never be invited to any of DD's events. I don't care if they marry or not. H will always be invited, but I will make it clear that I don't want her around. Call me a b*tch, but right this moment, that is exactly how I feel.

Okay, call me b*tch again, but when H and spilt 10 years ago. I met a guy about 3 months into the split. A really, really nice guy. He was divorced, cheated on his wife (almost same situation as mine and H's - although a little more severe, his wife had a brain injury). Our relationship started because he was easy to talk too and offered a lot of male perspective. At the time, I suspect H was having an affair and would never come back home. I started DBing around this time, after reading the book. So, I started focusing on myself more. I saw this guy a little. We went to lunches, had a mutal friend. He cooked me dinner, etc. I guess you can say we were dating. Then H popped up and started wanting to come back home. I told OM. He encouraged me, cautiously, to explore it. He told me that it would be best for my DD, then 5, to have her dad around. He told me more than once to let him come home. That he knew it was what made me happy. That although he was falling for me, he knew it was the right thing for our family to be together. That man is now married with a new baby (with a terminal illness - it's terrible). But to me, he was a good man. I know that it was wrong for me to get involved, but I was looking for someone to help rebuild my self-esteem. My counselor at the time cautioned me about it, moving too fast he said. And I look back and I was, but it help me be stronger just having him encourage me in every situation. But it showed me what a good man he was to push me BACK to my husband. If he hadn't, I'm not sure what would have happend. So the moral to my story was, OW did't have to agree to date a married man. She was dating someone else and broke it off with them to date MY HUSBAND. I just think she is ready for marriage and after the loser she was dating, my H is looking like a millionare to her.

See, a lot of anger today. Probably misplaced, since most should be directed at H, but I just feel like if she wasn't in the picture, all of this would be so different.

[ForMyHusband]

Wow, you soooooooo much like me its scary. I think the same way and feel the same way. My D is 5 and I will not allow her around OW at all. I do blame her as well she could have said no. She didn't have to pursue him, I know she did. She is a lonely little girl who saw an opportunity and pounced and doesn't care that a child is being hurt horribly. To me, she is an awful human being.

What have you been doing to 180? You seem so much stronger than me. I'm a huge fighter, and I desprately want to fight for H but I know I can't in the way I want to.

What are you doing to GAL?

[notsurewhat2do]

I don't feel like I'm 180 at all .. did you read my last two post? I sound pathetic and I hate it. I'm trying so hard, but I think the first three months I have been in a state of shock and now I'm coming to grips with MY husband has walked away. And Christmas only makes it worse. I wish I was a fighter. I'm not, I'm a peace maker. I WISH I was MEAN and HATEFUL. I think of all the stuff I could do. Key OW's car, make prank calls, stupid childish stuff .... it's just not worse it though. I HAVEN'T spoken to H about her since Thanksgiving. That was the last little remark I made about the w*ore (as I called her). Of course, you can read my thread and see I got called out for it.
I usually immediately regret saying things, so I really try not too. It's just hard when you hurt so bad.

I also don't feel like I'm GALing at all. Just doing the normal stuff. H really never did family things with me and DD, so we are carrying on as normal. I am doing some stuff to the house that he didn't or we didn't do. And honestly, since my parents are paying for DD's school, I have extra money to do some things that I didn't have the money for before. I do try to go out with girlfriends at least once or twice a month. I dread New Years Eve, but maybe I'll find something fun to do, or spend the night away from home. After H and I got older, we didn't do much. We just hung out with DD. Then when she started going to teenage parties, we would just go eat and hang out till time to get her. I'm sure H and OW will be doing something. The bar that H frequents (or did till he met OW there, left me and then moved her in with him)is having an Ugly Christmas sweater party Saturday night. I thought about going, just to prove that I'm making it, that I'm still alive. Part of me wants H to be there with OW, but part of me doesn't. I don't think he will be, he is coming back from GA either Friday or Saturday (Dec 21 or Dec 22). And I almost don't WANT people to talk behind my back about me, which I know they will. Plus I almost feel like it will hurt to go back in there, when the last time I was there, I was H and OW was there, but I did't know it. She was such non-factor that I couldn't even tell you what she looked like. I vaguely remember her looking at me, but I wouldn't know her again if I saw her. She has changed so much from when we were younger.
I think my H's OW took advantage of H's situation too. So yes, I agree, she is an awful human being. No morals, no ethics, out for herself only. She could and should have said NO!

So for everyone else reading ..... questions: Since H and I aren't divorced, do I need to get him something for Christmas. I thought about it and just having it incase. But then I could have it and hopefully it would make him feel bad when he doesn't give me one (and he won't). AND, since H is living with OW, she will wrap presents for DD, I know she will. Should I asked H NOT to bring them wrapped and offer to wrap them myself? I just don't think I can handle it, well I could, but it will make things that much harder.

[notsurewhat2do]

I have had a couple of good days. H is out of town, as far as I know OW isn't with him. He has sent DD a couple of text so I know he's alive. I'm concentrating on finishing up Christmas and just plugging along.

I'm still on the verge of tears everyday. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I'm so very sad still and this morning all the thoughts are surrounding OW. And they aren't the good thoughts. You know, after you've been intimate with someone for 22 years, you know just about everything there is to know. It hurts to think about someone else knowing those things now.

And then I've been thinking about all the lies that H has told me and it makes me rethink EVERYTHING he has ever told me. He would sit in our basement and text OW. Take her calls when I sitting the floor above him. He would lie about not going to ballgames and working to be with her. He LIED about his 401K just to get me to sign the early withdrawl papers (which is why I have refused to sign his bank papers). And this morning I think I saw his 4Runner at a local gas station and it would be her driving it. He told me he was going to drive it because gas is cheaper than diesel. And he lied when he left me saying he didn't leave me for her ... yet he had it planned to whole time for her to move in with him. This is a realization that I came up with this past week. He left without taking ANYTHING in the house. Just his clothes and necessities. He didn't take dishes, pots/pans, utenils, sheets, NOTHING. I think I've been in such a state of shock that this just now dawned on me. He planned this whole stupid thing ... just really ticks me off!

I do plan on having a good Christmas. I NEED to have a good Christmas. I need to have a normal Christmas. It won't be normal. Not for me or DD. It will be sad for both of us. It will be empty without H there.

You know the sad part is, even after knowing how much he has lied to me, I still love him. I still want him to change and be with us. I still feel married to him, even though he doesn't feel married to me. And more than anything I want honestly. I told him Sunday when I asked about his hunting trip to stop lying to me, he's hurt me enough already. I want to say to him, the damage is done, (as he has what has happend as happend) just come clean and STOP lying. I honestly think he is a habitual liar. How can you compete with that?

[notsurewhat2do]

Christmas was good. H came over around 9:00 am Christmas morning and stayed till 10:15. He left after eating 2 helpings of my breakfast casserole saying he knew we needed to get to my parents house (which was true - but he could have stayed longer). I gave him the head for his electric razor (from me only, not me and DD) and DD gave him leather Sperry's. He seemed to appreciate both. I got nothing from him and knew I wouldn't. He had told DD that he wasn't getting me anything. He and I sat at the kitchen table to eat breakfast. I asked about his hunting trip and we talk about the deals the hunting club is making with sponsors, etc. Small talk, but I acted super interested. I tried to sound encouraging and upbeat.
I had one breakdown while getting ready Christmas Eve for dinner. Its a tradition that we've been doing for 21 years with my parents. It was hard to think about H not going with us. But I knew it wasn't fair for DD or my parents. We went to a different resturant and did things a little different than usual. So it was all good.
I think part of H's reason for leaving was me not being supportive of his hunting dreams. H wants to make it "big" in the hunting world. It started out him wanting us (both of us) to be big in the hunting world. But the more he pushed that, the less I wanted to hunt. Hunting for me was fun and a hobby. He is obessed with filming hunts and trying to get them on TV. I wanted no part of that. I wouldn't even learn how to film his hunts because he was so critical of everything, that I knew I would never do it right. So I refused to learn and I told him why. So I'm almost certain if you ask H he is going to say I wasn't supportive of his dreams. What I wanted was something that was going to support us. It's great to have a dream, but at some point, you have to realize that your dreams need to be put on the back burner for your family. I never told him he could dream, I just said we needed to do something to get out debt.
I also just think H was so unhappy with himself that he couldn't be happy with me or our marriage. I'm okay with that. What hurts me is that he didn't talk to me about it, knowing that I'd have faith everything would turn out okay. And turning to the OW was his way of putting such a barrier between us that he thinks I would never take him back (because he wouldn't if the situation was reversed). So she is his saftey net. OW isn't demanding yet. She is like a roomate with benefits. She is his "girlfriend" and that is exciting to him. I get that too.
My plan now is to forgive him. I believe in order to heal, I have to forgive. It will be hard and I won't ever forget, but I can eventually forgive. And eventually forgive OW too. She will never be my friend and I think it will take me longer to forgive her, but I feel like he is lying to her as much as me. And I hate that for her also.

I am not a mean or hateful person. It's just not my nature and goes against who I am deep down. I've not hit the super angry phase of grieving yet. And I'm not sure I ever will. Every time I do something out of anger, I regret it and now stop and think about it. I regret saying a lot of things I've said to H. I regret slinging everything off his dresser and breaking a beautiful frame that DD and I gave H several years ago. So, I try to stop and think who is it benefiting for me to be ugly and angry? Nobody! It will destroy what little relationship I have left with H. It will show DD that it's okay to be angry all the time, to do and say things out of anger. It's just not who I want to be. I don't want to be the bitter, resentful woman. I want to be the woman who lived through a divorce and came out a better person for it!