Journaling: So I guess during MLC it's normal for the WAS to not want to spend TGing with their family at home? H said he's not thankful for anything here, because it's the same thing he already has and has had??!!
He want's to spend it with ea/ow and the alcoholic crew because he's TFull that he met her/them saving him from....? He has said it's his flipped mind!
This is where I need to find my strength and keep it really close.
I am floundering again from - WTF, you do this and don't come back you POS - to maybe it will be fine and at least I don't have to risk an uncomfortable day!
Neither of those options are going to be ok! THis is where a clean break is better, there would be no question, no expectations, no let down!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
DawnMarie. I hope you make plans for that day for you and your kids. My W relapsed about 4 years ago and only wants to hang out with other drinking peers that will not condemn her new life priority choices.
Even though i rarely voiced my objections in the past, and tried guilting her for missing out on time with our S9, she would throw herself into victim status and say, don't you know how many times i have dragged myself in the mud over that. No genuine remorse, just wanting pity.
It's inconceivable to me and you how our spouses could minimize the value of quality family time, even if only for the children, but they are not thinking rationally and will suffer with their consequences.
Enough about them though..... You make sure you and your children have plans. Do you have family in the area? Have an extended family and/or friends get together.
I always have the long drive for family parties. My brothers and sister live in the SW suburbs of Chicago and i live in the NW suburbs, but i never hesitate to get togethet with family.
Take care of Yourself DawnMarie.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Hi Am I too late: You live where I grew up, met H, and where he continues to work. Since we live in the SW suburbs now because of real estate, the NW has become the very source of my problems.
Quote:
i never hesitate to get togethet with family
I prefer life as a N-sider (parents, extended family still there) but it's what has put a wedge between H and I for so long because he won't always make the trip back between gigs so he wandered into the world of the LFront.
I am going to make my plans as usual, do my baking, and count on all the kids (21+ yr olds) who will drop in for some family time. We're that house on the block.
Victim mode is all H was in yesterday. Why, what, when will I, spew about our live's. He doesn't even drink but these people offer him life's freedom.
Oh well, your right not about them. The kids are going to dust off some game consoles and bring back some oldies for the day. I just found my Resident Evil original to set up and see if it still scares me silly.
Everyday I try to find one thing I enjoy that's not about my H or M. Maybe one day I will get a full pic of who I am today and that will be my priority focus.
Thanks again!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Journaling: I soo angry...I am truly falling all over myself here. I want to smash his face, and cry at him screaming "can I have my life back yet that you stole from me'?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hi sweet dawn - I feel like i have been screaming that silently myself without even knowing it for a long time. I'm sorry you feel so frustrated, and so angry and I know that feeling too, and it's very hard to get rid of. But we all have to find some peaceful ground for ourselves somewhere down the line and stop hurting ourselves.
Could you ask yourself really really honestly do you even want that life back. I think one of the most scariest and painful things for us LBS's is to let go of the old marriage and realize it's over. Only when we truly accept that, can we calm down a little and start to work on ourselves.
I have only read the last couple of your posts - sorry, I will catch up later - and so my response may not be that comprehensive - but one question - would you really like to have your h at your thanksgiving table the way he is right now? Don't you just want the people who really want to be with you and be thankful with you to be there? Could you start to see that there is more than enough love around you if you can open yourself to it?
In the last few weeks I have come to realize that there is a lot of love, acceptance, support and caring from so so many people in my life. But I have been so damn focused on wanting it from h that I was totally missing out on what is already there. I would like for you to be able to begin to be open to that also - because I got a lot of peace from that realization, and I think you will too
I am sorry I haven't been around to support you these last weeks. I needed all my energy for myself during that time. It's okay for us to fall over ourselves from time to time, and then KNOW that we can keep moving forward. I wonder if the next time your h brings it up , you shrug and say whatever, fine by me, stay if you want, go if you want...
I wonder if that will empower you a bit to reach that place- where you are ok if he's there and ok if he's away (and to stop the thought there and not think of the where he is at).
Maybe some meditation tonight to help you reach a better place?
(((((( )))))) I hope you feel better soon
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hi zig - glad to see your coming back to share again. Thanks for writing. I was doing better, I think I back slided a little.
Some of my older post really show some real progress on my part. I reached a strong point of getting out of my fog, my zombie state, that I have been in for many months.
I'm not back that far but I am at an insecure point where, your right, I need my H love and attention. I really hate it...I was almost to the point of no control.
It's easy to say I really don't want that life back or h, and I do mean it for the most part. It's just so hard to actually go through with it, to really take those steps toward something not h or m related.
I know I am on the right track and feeling the very scary reality of what's ahead otherwise I wouldn't be in such a frenzy!
I've said go, do what you gotta do so many times that it has no meaning. I have even said stop telling me your leaving, he said when he says that it means nothing. So we are stuck!
I did get to that place once before a few weeks back not caring about him, not worrying all day or wondering but really enjoying my day. If I've been there once (and really loved it) I will get there again.
I am going to look into meditation. I have never done it nor can I do yoga, I'm more the ipod run on the treadmill type. But, I think I need to learn how to relax before I react.
Yesterday I was glued to H, talking, crying, and I even knew some things I said were out of habit, I don't mean them anymore. Even to say ILY to him ( i dont) would feel forced, fake. I never say I want him back or to be with me, he just interprets my actions as so. I think my rant is a release in some sort of crazy, self deprecating way that I actually learn from and felt better from in the end.
I'm better today but I learned how much it's the rejection I hate. I also learned it's the fantasy of our forever after I am fighting for, the idea in my head that it was until death do we part, love everlasting.
H is not good today and though I am sorry that I'm the one who pushed him into a depression with him saying he can't believe he's treating me like this, I also don't care because he has options.
I'm a slow work in progress but I am learning every step of the way!
Great to have you back!!!!!!!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Quoting myself- "So how to fix it/me - time - dbing - all the other magical words of wisdom combined. Yes, no, probably hopefully! But, there is always going to be a tidbit, morsale of pain, regret, sadness, not sure which one yet, that will always remain inside of my heart that hurts my sole just a pinch.
I'm so sick of giving my H soo much attention, yet I can't stop, i'm a junkie, hoping for that one time it will work and he will magically be right!
NO not really - I know better - he's so ugly to me - I think I am an answer junkie - why did you do this to us''! end Quote
That's a vampire I am letting in if I'm an answer junkie, sucking away at everything good in my life while I look for something that isn't there or even rational.
WHy do I come off so smart and together to the world, my business, my kids, but when it comes to myself I'm a fumbling idiot! Everyone is surprised at how this is/has taken me down?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm better today but I learned how much it's the rejection I hate. I also learned it's the fantasy of our forever after I am fighting for, the idea in my head that it was until death do we part, love everlasting.
me too- who knows tho? i can't say love either- i can't say i want him back either- mwd says in her book about changing life & everyone in it- be wary of your "feelings" - feelings change-
know that some ofus are as "stuck" as you- is it that we are unusually awful? i think normal - maybe- icky tho it is- i'm thinkng don't be so hard on yoruself & so judgemental. when the "right" thing happens- you'll jump in/up & do "what you gotta do" and i'm thinking it will be right. i'm awaiting that moment too-
sorry to be blomming allover your posts- i agree. it's easy to be "together" in every single aspect of your life- but this loss of love would lay anyone "low". i'd think you're normal. (but- you know me- so consider the source)
i think just communicating with h - even if it's a rant- feels "better". i've experienced it myself. even an awful exchange- feels better than nothing at all. i'm still trying hard "not to go there". i say sh_tty comments- i'm trying to stop. theyslip out- he overlooks them- i cannot totally hide my inside anger & opinion of "this all". i cannot even tell if it makes a diff- tho book says it registers with h and makes him feel unloved(?) and unapproved of, etc. we miss the human companionship (particularly of our old "loved one" - is that so bad of us? everyone alive needs it -
oh well- we are human beings doing our level best in a crap situation. you're doing good i'd think- it's painful t5o let go- it's like having to have your leg amputated (i like that leg- it helps me move around in life) and then finding out you've got to do it yourself with a dull plastic knife. it's hard - it's tough- and there's never a good time.
i tell myself this junk- i think it's true- i hope it's true- there is some strength inside me(us) i've seen it sometimes- it's easier to be strong for someone else- hardest of all for yourself.
REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME- BEUNDERSTANDING AND TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU'D TREAT YOUR BST FRIEND- NOW DO IT- BE KIND AND UNDERSTANDING TO YOU.
STOP thinking and go walk- i'm going to also. xxoo ((( ))
I'm better today but I learned how much it's the rejection I hate. I also learned it's the fantasy of our forever after I am fighting for, the idea in my head that it was until death do we part, love everlasting.
i would be grabbing an axe myself. my h just doesn't "talk" about "it" - ow, you name it. maybe i need to be thankful for that. i do not know how you can bear your h's "honesty" - or whatever you would choose to call it. i would be right over some edge- i feel awful for you- i wish i could fix it- if you are in a satellite community of chicago-
is there "civilization" all around you? or woods? if there is life- you have to force yourself (it's hard- but doable- i do sometimes and it turns out okay) to go to the library and take a little course of word, or excel- or someting. (whatever they have to offer) - mine shows movies sometims- it's SOMETHING out OF the house and different. - look on line for a walking club- person- or maybe put an ad in local little rag asking for walking mate. (or foodstore bulletin board) - i found a girl i used to know in highschool whose around and does quillign- she came and gave me a lesson - everyone out there is looking for someone to do their "thing" with - or teach or find appreciation. GOTTA TRY TO DO something- he's taking advantage (maybe) ofyour being so isolated- you're too good - FIND some people
okay- done nagging- it's awful and you have the strength of a bull to endure it all - (((( )))) don't commit a crime okay - you don't want to rot in jail just to clobber him- (this bit is true) xxoo
