I have been reading so many posts and am getting a little discouraged about the future of my relationship. Are there many, if any LBS that have actually reunited with their WAS/MLCer? I keep reading of the ones that that didn't make it. I am hopeful that my M will make it thru this horrible time. Is there anyone out there that has something GOOD to say? POSITIVE? I don't want smoke blown up my a$$, I know reality. But, it would be nice to hear some success stories.
TJP, there are some success stories, but you do have to hunt for them. I think a lot of LBS's are scared to jinx it when their S comes back, so they stop posting for a while. I'm sure someone here can give you names of specific posters to look up.
What I do know is that it's a long road between BD and reconciliation. WAS/MLC's who come home too quickly usually haven't worked out their issues and end up running away again. So just be patient and work on yourself.
And whenever you get frustrated, come and post here. There are a lot of us who understand exactly how you feel.
((((TJP))))
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
TJP, I'm with you that I would love to hear more success stories. It's a lonely road to walk down and it would be helpful and hopeful to read about other successes with DB.
I promise, if I get back with H I will post my story somewhere here. I'm looking forward to it! How's that for being optimistic??
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
I think a lot of LBS's are scared to jinx it when their S comes back, so they stop posting for a while.
I think there may be truth to this ^^^, along with the fact that the LBS has gotten enough experience and detachment under their belt that the amount of questions, needing to vent, etc is diminished. And if the mlc'er is returning from the mothership, things maybe aren't quite so wacky anymore.
As Albuquerque posted (check out her thread), the return is "achingly slow", I am experiencing this as well and it's like watching paint dry, grass grow, etc, because we lbs want this done and back already (lol)...not much to write about for the above reasons. Plus sometimes I feel like I have enough going on, and maybe have exhausted myself with the long term stress of this, that I need to take breaks sometimes from it. And sometimes reading other people's sitches, especially the new, fresh ones, can flash back all the original feelings as I am still too close to them time-wise.
Just my thoughts, though I think I need more coffee, neurons are a bit creaky today...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
There is always hope. No one knows which mlcers will return to their marriages or even years later want to reconcile w/their separated/divorced spouses. The key is to hope, but continue moving forward w/your own life.
Many of the posters who have managed to salvage their relationships w/their spouses do not return to post. The final 12-18 months of the crisis takes up a lot of their time because it is a very delicate tightrope for them to walk.
However, here are a few: Jack and Three Beans, Albuquerque, DebM and JeanS.
The most important ingredients for you, as the lbs are: patience. compassion, unconditional love, patience, hope, no expectations while they are traveling the universe, patience, giving them plenty of space and time, and more patience.
Keep in mind that you didn't break him therefore, you can't fix him. You can only work on yourself. Start making a list of those hobbies and chores that you have allowed to sit and begin working on them. Keep the focus on you and watch your assets.
One last thing, buckle up...the ride is not the faint of heart. It is full of potholes, twists and turns that will cause you to doubt yourself, your marriage and your h. However, only you will know if your life w/him was memorex or live.
Take care!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are asking the same question I keep asking. I think it's virtually impossible to answer because all we want to hear is, "if you do x, y, z". Or, " you have to wait x number of days".
We are searching for certainty in a storm of chaos, unknowns, and fear. Anything we hold onto is likely a mirage. At least at this stage anyhow.
Good luck my friend, hold on, I am in the same boat as you. There are hundreds of us out there. We just have to be strong.
Love your attitude! I try to stay positive. It's hard sometimes. I just remember my H is somewhere in this person who is turning my world upside down. I keep that close to my heart. It gets me thru and makes me feel good.
I know the pain and stress that you are feeling. And looking for glimmers of hope is what I did too. As several people have mentioned, I'm one of those who's H "woke up" and came back. But as TS2 pointed out, it is an achingly slow process and the post-MLC R is never the same. Doesn't mean it's worse or better, just different.
But what I would like to point out is that you are (understandably) defining hope and success as a repaired marriage/relationship. I don't think I should be viewed as a "success" because my H woke up. In reality, I had very little (if anything) to do with that process. I consider myself a success because (based on the lessons learned here) I used the horrible situation to take a look inwardly. I improved myself in some areas that I KNEW needed some work. And THAT had everything to do with me. That was the only thing I could control. And as a result, I am a much different person. I learned patience. And that has helped not only with H but also with D. And if H hadn't come back, those changes for the better would still be there. No one can take that away. That's the point. In that regard, there are a lot of successes on this board. Those who've made it through and arrived on the other side a better person. They may not have their R, but they ARE a success.
As has been stated already, there is no "recipe" for what to do. Everyone's sitch is a little different. Take the advice to heart. But when it comes down to it, you have to learn to deal with your situation in your own way. Focus on yourself and you'll be guaranteed success.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Hi TJP, there is always hope, I do know of one successful reconciliation. P’s wife first started to exhibit strange behaviours the day after her 40th birthday back in Sept 98. For many years after she wouldn't ride in the car with him. And then around late fall 02 she moved in with one of her husbands best friends. She stayed with the OM till May 03 when she finally realized her mistake.
A year after she came back her husband said their relationship was better than ever, And I still see them quite often to speak to. At school she was a friend of my Ex wife. I Also know of 3 other MLC'ers that will never come back or the ex's would never have them back. These 3 have a lot in common. They are easily lead, have low self esteem and they have a negative image of themselves, oh and they are also all women.
Hi Just to say it was actually Sept 97 that P's wife's behaviour changed which was her 40th birthday just days after my ex's 40th. P started to tell me about it in April 98. but I lost contact with them from Sept 99 till Dec 03. And P told me about his sitch in Late Feb 04 When he had just found out that my W had gone AWOL! Interestingly P's wife said to me at the time "why didn't you hit him (OM)" when I had the chance to. I was telling her about a recent confrontation (in Nov 03) with the OM.
