Out to sea w/no land in site - which way to paddle

[TD35]

My first post is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...974#Post2281974

My second post is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2285619#Post2285619


I am starting a third post as I am over the response limit of 100 and also because I think I am in a new phase after several months.

The last few days have come with some health challenges that add to the stress level but do not change where my W and I are in our M.

I did break down and share my PSA results with my W this morning. It is something I just dont feel good about hiding, but also do not want to add more stress to the situation. The bottom line is that I have made plans to get assistance through the process without her as I dont really know if she is willing or able to partner with me through his process. It pains me to this this way, but on any given day I still get the distinct impression she has a different life in mind and she is happier in that life without me. Maybe it is fog or maybe it is reality. Either way, I need to beat this for me and for my kids.

The change I am noticing is that the level of anger is not as quickly reached in our discussions, but almost always gets there eventually. We can have regular conversations but anything R related usually ends up with a point of reaching anger and shutting down. I do not initiate these and try to remain calm and reassuring during them.

Regardless, overall I feel that we are at a point of stagnation. Not moving forward and not moving back. She might describe being paralyzed and I might describe it as waiting on the unknown. We both are not moving together.

I am working on my 180's but I am still struggling with the feedback that she feels I am still not present for her. She also has told me she does not trust telling me her true feelings -- although I have not confided in anyone -- not family, friends or anybody when she and I have talked.

I am lost on how to repair those things or improve myself in such a way that she can see a reason for trust.

I also have my own issues of trust following the EA and for some reason those are not as relevant.

All things I have to sort out with the MC at this point. We have another session tomorrow.

In the meantime, I am paddling the direction I chose which was to work on myself and my relationship with my children and GAL when I can. There is no land in site, but I am paddling as strong as I have been since I started this process. Maybe I finally paddle to her boat, maybe I find land, or maybe I paddle for a long, long time. The point is I am not tired and not willing to not paddle at this point.

Thank you for your continued encouragement, guidance and support. It means a lot.

[chatterbug]

Hey buddy. She is either going to step up in this time of your need or she is not.

When I was going through the bad times I had a blown knee. ( I know it does not compare at all to what you are going through)

I felt discarded at the side of the road. It took along time to work through those thoughts. I did most of it through conversations with people who experienced the same thing. Online and in person.

[TD35]

I did most of it through conversations with people who experienced the same thing. Online and in person.

Thanks Chatter. I am building a similar network. In a way, and maybe this is twisted, I am doing this without her for me. I dont want to be without her, I would rather face challenges n life with her, but she is telling me we are not in that place and I am not going to allow this to be a reason she has to stay or has to be nice or has to care. If she chooses to that will be great, If not, I still need to push forward. I am the one that doesnt have a choice whether or not to participate.

I always appreciate your words of support.

[TD35]

Journaling

Have to admit the latest news has my concentration shot. I am not going as negative with thoughts as I expected I would, but it is hard to read or concentrate on anything. This is going to be a long week or two until I get whatever news is coming my way.

We have our MC session today. I normally look forward to them but even feel distracted by this in a way. I want to go and I always hope for progress but everything seems somewhat overshadowed right now. I expect this is normal.

I never placed much stock in meditation, self hypnosis or the like, but wondering if one of these things would help with the concentration. Ultimately, knowing me the only thing that will get my concentration back is getting whatever news I need to get and then focusing on a solution or path forward and working hard on not letting it affect my 180s. If anything, this may have to get absorbed into my 180s. It has already impacted my GAL activities as I am slowly building a network of people I can work through this with.

I would rather have the comfort and support of my W rather than new found friends and support, but I need help and support so I will take what I can get. I sound disrespectful for saying it that way, but I am not. Just strange that I get support and hand holding from people I least expect and none from the one I need it from the most.

Strange times indeed.

[AnotherStander]

Williams, sorry to hear about the need for a biopsy, I'm praying that it's nothing. You've got enough to worry about!

Regarding your comment that you feel like things are stagnant, maybe you need to look for smaller baby steps. Just before you said that, you mentioned that anger in your conversations, while still present, is developing at a slower rate. Sure it may only be a tiny step, but it's a step forward regardless. I too often feel our R is stagnant, but then when I start looking closer I realize there are baby steps that I've been ignoring because I'm looking for bigger moves. And regardless, "stagnant" may not be so bad. It's a better alternative to W pushing full speed ahead with D!

[TD35]

Great point Another Stander. Always appreciate your perspective. I agree stagnation may not be bad -- even for many of us that impatient and you are right, I purposefully noted the anger is dying down a little and that is a step in the right direction -- at least for civility.

[ForeverYoung]

TD35, please give us an update. We miss you Mr. GrillMaster.