Just wanted to ask for some input. I'm a talker by nature, I think most women are. My H is a typical man, hates the relationship talks. I know that's a generalisation but I believe there to be an element of truth in that.
I've been thinking about my H, where he's at in the world, the fact that he is likely to be hurting too and how I should be treating him with compassion. I hate his behaviour but not him. I have also reflected on my own behaviour, not just in our M but also in the recent past since revelations of two OW and his infidelity and moving in with OW2 and her two kids. Truthfully, whilst I think most "normal" people would understand my fear, anger, etc I also have come to recognise that those people who are truly enlightened would not think my behaviour/attitudes are without blame. In fact I think I have been a total b**ch at times.
So, I have decided no more rage directed at him or OW2, no more blame. I want to be accountable for what I did to hurt him (though I don't really know all of it and am guessing, and he is done with talking) both in the past and now.
Do I just say sorry? Or do I just leave it? I keep thinking he probably won't hear me or think I am trying to manipulate him. I also think I can tell him this at a later date.
My trouble is that I am so impatient! I'd just like to hear what some of you guys think.
Truthfully since I decided to stop focusing on my pain, and to think about being compassionate and loving, my head has been in a better place. Of course, still moments of fear, anxiety, tears but overall this is an improvement on last week. I've realised this is an opportunity for me to grow, I've been so self absorbed, it's almost liberating in a way. You don't get a pass like this from your family and friends so if I can't learn about being a better me then what else can I do?
You absolutely do NOT say you're sorry. It WOULD sound like manipulation. You show your feelings via your actions. As they say, actions speak louder than words. MLCers don't tend to listen nor remember anyhow to anything you may say. I'm not sure the specifics on your sitch, but you are right about focusing on YOU. We've all made mistakes in our marriages. Accept your shortcomings and work on correcting them for YOUR sake, not for H. I have never told my husband I was sorry about the part I played in some of the problems in our marriage. But I don't have to because *I* accepted my issues and worked to repair them for ME and didn't involve him at all in the process. But they often see the changes (when they're genuine) and that's more than an apology. It's moving forward rather than continuing to dwell on the past.
Being impatient will be your downfall if you don't work on that. When people tell you this is a loooooong process, they are not kidding. It can take years and years with no guaranteed results even if you do everything "right". Sounds like this is the first place you need to work on within yourself....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
What I would do, and this is just me, I would find a time that may seem appropriate. It could be months down the road. Maybe when they're having a sane day. But apologize.
Continue to show it in actions (like that's even possible at times) but speak the words later, much later if needed, when they might be in a frame of mind to accept it.
When they're in Monster mode, that is not the time to say it! I tried. I think it backfired and he used it as manipulation against me...seeing I was in a kinder and compassionate place, so he used that as a way to act like a friend and a great father but lie and sneak out of child support.
What I would do, and this is just me, I would find a time that may seem appropriate. It could be months down the road. Maybe when they're having a sane day. But apologize.
Continue to show it in actions (like that's even possible at times) but speak the words later, much later if needed, when they might be in a frame of mind to accept it.
When they're in Monster mode, that is not the time to say it! I tried. I think it backfired and he used it as manipulation against me...seeing I was in a kinder and compassionate place, so he used that as a way to act like a friend and a great father but lie and sneak out of child support.
I'm new to this and really trust what the veteran LBS-ers have to say. Sooooo, I could be completely and utterly off base. But, this is what I did and I know I felt better after.
I have apologized for some of my inappropriate behavior since he moved out. I'm the kind of person that will obsess about something wrong I did and carry a lot of guilt.
In 12-step programs, one of the steps states... "when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it."
I didn't do it face-to -face and I didn't turn it into the Magna Carta. I did it for ME. I also didn't ask or expect a response. My apology was about allowing me to move on with a clear conscious. And, when I say short, I MEAN short.
"I'm sorry unloaded all my frustrations on you the other day. I was feeling overwhelmed and see now I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
In my case, I felt better after. But, at the same time, I know a lot of people who make amends strictly by changing their behavior because they feel a verbal "I'm sorry" is empty without action. I believe that too.
Hard spot. Don't dwell on it too long and FOR GOD's SAKE don't apologize for anything that's not absolutely positively on ur conscience. I know when I get lost in H's MLC fog it's easy for me to take the blame for everything from his depression to the Bay of Pigs!
My two cents
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
