Chasing Ghosts

[Beardown]

This morning W called me at texted me at 4:30am to ask if I could take S to daycare before school because she wasn't feeling well and didn't get much sleep last night. She asked if I would call when I woke up. I called at 5:30am and told W to have S ready at 6:10 and I would take him. Typically I would have been mad that W didn't thank me for stopping over but reading through Denver's journey I have begun to realize what unconditional love is. I always looked for validation for things I did, but realize that if you do an act of service for someone and you feel good about doing it inside, you don't need validation from anyone else!

[Arsene]

Yup. DBing is a thankless job.

[Beardown]

Update
W called S and at 10am this morning. She planned on taking S t an indoor waterpark today. To my surprise she asked if I wanted to go the waterpark with them. Significant because S did not bring it up this was her asking me if I wanted to come. We spent all day together as a family but I could sense the wall was very much still up. No touching and when I sat in the hot tub first she didn't sit next to me. She sat with enough distance so S could sit in the middle of us. All of this is important along with my S getting his hopes up because I saw him every day this week and it wasn't my week. I strongly believe she texted OM throughout the day and her phone whistled 3 times on the way home but she wouldn't respond. She just said yes (girlfriends name) hang on. I know it was him. We went to dinner afterward and I didn't give her much notice after she responded to the text. I thanked her for inviting me to the waterpark and she said thanks for dinner. All of our time spent together this week has been great, however it reinforces my thought that I have to set boundaries. Her actions around me speak clearly that she is physically with someone else. However he is chubby and I noticed her looking at my new 6 pack abs I gained since being on the greatest fat burning diet I have ever been on! The 4 Month Affair Diet. Lost the bit of belly fat I couldn't lose working out.

[Beardown]

I am in a quandary...
I agree 100% with the boundaries that Denver so eloquently edited for me. I showed this to my best friends wife. Best friend cheated on her 2 years ago but they have since worked it out. She finally moved on with her life and told him she filed for divorce. He signed but before they got to the hearing he came back and wanted to make things work. She likes the letter but says it won't work and that she won't take it serious enough even if I stick to my guns. She feels W will call my bluff and I would never file for divorce. I have a feeling this is the only way my wife will stop the affair and give our marriage an honest second chance.She has had plenty of opportunities to sign the papers and get them filed. Even after finding out about the affair I was willing to give up the house, not go after anything including her 401k and she still couldn't do it. I am just so confused. I don't want to leave 1 stone unturned in my effort to resurrect this marriage but Denver even you were ready to file and be done before your wife finally came home, same with my best friend. Maybe it's my impatience that feels I should go this route even though my da%$ heart just wants to try to keep these last two weeks going for awhile. Maybe she will screw up and have him spend the night at her house this week as I will have S this week. That would solve my dilemma of staying status quo!

side note: I did test the water to see if she have physical contact with me and no dice. Before we left for the waterpark we were sitting on the couch watching TV. We decided to leave and I got up first.She was sitting up so I extended my hand to help give her a boost like we have done a million times before but she never reached for my hand and almost directed her chest right into my open hand LOL. I moved it before their was contact but I got my answer I was looking for. Seems physical contact is not going to happen anytime soon. This will be tough because as I have read 5LL's physical touch s one of my languages. Small touches, hugs, anything to small to show their love I guess. Sorry if this is rambling on just journaling and trying to make some sense of all of this in my head.

[Arsene]

Hey Bear,

I know how you feel mate. I understand what you're going through as I was going through it as well. It's just that what looks like good times might just be our Ws having their cake and eating it. They have the pleasure of the family atmosphere when they feel like it, our company if they choose to but then they go back to OM for the rest. I was going to go that road, thinking I was used to it and could last but then she got too close and it really hurt when I tested the water and there was no progress.

What I'm doing now is still not easy as it is so counter intuitive and feels like a major step back but I hope that it's for the best in the long run as it might allow me to finally detach.


Good luck to you mate.

[Denver_2010]

She likes the letter but says it won't work and that she won't take it serious enough even if I stick to my guns. She feels W will call my bluff and I would never file for divorce. ....

but Denver even you were ready to file and be done before your wife finally came home, same with my best friend. Maybe it's my impatience that feels I should go this route even though my da%$ heart just wants to try to keep these last two weeks going for awhile.

I'm not suggesting that your statement to your W about the boundary be meant to communicate anything other than, 'I will not be in your life as long as any OM is." It isn't meant to say, 'I'm going to D you if you don't stop the A.'

You are telling her to go do her thing. Live her life. Follow her path. BUT, without you. That doesn't mean that you are going to file for a D in a week, 2 weeks, even 6 months, if she doesn't end the A. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING RIGHT NOW.

So there is no bluff to call. You are simply removing yourself from the equation.

That's it. Nothing more.

Yes. Eventually I did reach a point where I was DONE. A point where even having and enforcing my boundary was not enough for me. I was indeed prepared to file for a D. It took a very long time to get to that point though BD. The thing is, you should not even mention a D until you are SURE that you are prepared and willing to follow through. Where it is not a tactic to get her to end the A. Where it is truly what you are ready to do.

THAT ^^ is territory where you risk having your bluff called (if it is one).

I'm saying that you need to try setting and enforcing a boundary and letting things be for a while. To let your W do what she needs to do to figure out what she wants for her life. She doesn't want to end her A, but she obviously isn't rushing to file for a D. The problem is that you are letting her straddle the fence. And as long as she is COMFORTABLE, she won't feel the need to pick one side or the other.

Removing one side of the fence, ie, you, may be what she needs to BEGIN thinking about what she really wants.

[dbmod]

Now that contact seems almost everyday, my new short term goals need to be updated...

She will show interest in what I'm doing
She will say hello when she sees me and goodbye when I leave
She will have any time of physical contact with me
She will continue pursuing dinner with me

Obviously this will change if I give her the letter.

Let your goals dictate your actions, not your actions dictate your goals. When you are accepting advice from others, make sure they are responding to what your goals are, not just giving you advice about what they think you should do.

[Beardown]

W had the OM over at the house again last night. I did not call her out on it but not doing well today. I know it's time for action but really struggling right now with what to do. I really like the letter and it will give me space to regain strength. Not sure how much strength I have left to stay the course. When we were together this past week it was sterile and their was clearly a boundary. I just wasn't feeling it on her end just like the past year. Then OM shows up again last night. I hate to say this after 5 months of hard work but I am beginning lose hope and am thinking about asking her for the D papers. W hasn't helped me with any bills and am guessing she will not be making the mortgage payment for December. Maybe I give her the letter, ask for a check for the credit card bills I paid and tell her if she doesn't pay the mortgage I will be moving back in. Or simply ask for the divorce and tell her she has one week to find a realtor or I will find one. It's a difficult decision, my heart says letter, my head says divorce and move on, I deserve to be happy. She checked out in June 2011 when she had an EA and now this. I know we all need to have patience but right now I am struggling to find it. I have learned not to make quick decisions and will give myself a few days to figure out my next step.

[MrBond]

Have you talked to a L yet about her non-contributions?

[Beardown]

Not yet. I have been biting the bullet in hopes of reconciliation but I need to protect myself and S. We were going to file joint petition but I am beginning to think I might need a L for protection. I can't live in a buddies basement, it's not fair to me or to S but can't afford a place on my own paying all the debt on my own.