Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[keep_going]

NLW,

Sometimes there is no need for words or advice. All we need is to know someone is there for us.

Yes, we have a lot in common and we are not alone.

THANK YOU.

(((((NLW))))

[Accuray]

I notice I usually post only when there is drama, probably as a way to vent and process my feelings, but I should also post when things go well. I don't have a lot of free time, but am forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone and commit to changing things around me. Just today I went to a "Moms with Young Kids" support group from my church. I also volunteered at the Historical Society. I have actually also initiated contact with other moms at my kids' preschool and set up some play dates. This is all unchartered territory for me - I was always a career woman and my social life always revolved around people from my profession, not stay-at-home moms. So I feel that is a start.

KG, I know what you're saying about posting when you need to vent, then looking at the feedback you get and thinking you represented things as worse than they are. I'm sure you have good days too and DB extremely well most of the time!

It does come through to me, however, that you are still far from detached from H and putting too much hope in reconciliation. He suspects you are putting on "your changes" as a show for him, so he does not trust them. I find it's very much a "watched pot never boils" type dynamic where the WAS won't believe in your changes until you no longer care if they notice or not. That's when they start paying attention.

I wasn't just recommending GAL in your case, I'm suggesting that you need some more intimate relationships. That goes beyond GAL -- it's people who you connect with on a very personal level, can share your ups and downs, enjoy being with them, and don't feel it requires "work" as there is no pretense or awkwardness.

You've had intimacy stolen from you by H's departure, and the void has not been backfilled and that's literally making you starve, which drives you to act in ways you otherwise would not.

If you and H were back together, and he was meeting your needs and making you feel loved, you wouldn't have anger issues. You wouldn't give a crap if he showed up late with the kids one particular morning. If he truly made you feel loved, you wouldn't care if he showed up late with the kids every day, you'd work with him on solving that problem however it needed to be solved including you take responsibility for drop off or whatever it was, and you would do it without resentment because your needs were being met.

When our needs are NOT being met is when we get into trouble, because we begin to resent what we are not getting, and even worse often don't give voice to our expectations and frustrations. Why? Because we think our spouse should "just know what I need", or "should *want* to do x, y, or z instead of feeling compelled to do it", or "should do x for me because I did y for them." Then, when they keep not doing whatever we never told them to do, we get angrier and angrier at them until we snap over something that makes no sense to them at all. "Why would you get so angry at me over that?" The answer is that the incident was only the straw that broke the camel's back.

So what can you do? You need to get your needs met. Trying to lower your expectations or reduce your needs simply doesn't work. In a relationship, you're responsible for giving voice to what you need, specifically, and described in terms of what the other person needs to *do*, not how they need to feel.

If you lay it out there and they don't provide, then you are responsible for letting them know exactly how important it is to you, and how you are feeling as a result of it not being met. Don't assume they understand what you need, how you need it, or how important it is -- that's the source of a lot of marriage trouble I believe.

Now if you lay it out there, and discuss the importance, and they STILL don't meet your needs, now you're in a tough spot. You have two choices (1) leave and find someone else who WILL meet your needs the way you need them met, or (2) examine your needs and figure out if there are other ways they can be satisfied. If you feel you need to be hugged every day, maybe a kiss or a kind word will do enough to fill the need. Maybe you need physical connection, and hugging your kids instead of your spouse will get you close enough. There's a journey here in terms of (a) why do I need that and (b) how else can I get it?

In your case with a WAH, there are still some needs he can meet -- he can be respectful, he can be a provider, he can be a great co-parent. This is where your boundary enforcement comes into place. There are other needs, however, that he can no longer be expected to meet, but that doesn't mean you don't still have them. Those are the buckets you need to fill, and if you can fill them, I believe that your anger issues will disappear, and you'll be able to be a friend to H without riding his roller coaster.

You've been at this for a long while and I know that you're probably aware of all of this. I wrote it for me as much as for you, so I apologize in advance if I'm reiterating things you already know.

I realize I'm reiterating what ScaredSilly said, look for the feeling that are deeper down and try to understand them. Inventory what you need to feel good, then dig into those needs one step deeper -- why and how.

In my own sitch pre-bomb, I was in a sex-starved marriage, meaning that my W and I had a huge desire gap, and I wanted sex much more than I was getting it. I remember thinking each time we had sex that it might be my last time for a very long while or ever, and that made me constantly anxious and that anxiety eventually made me resentful. The less sex I got, the more fixated on it I became until I started to think I might have a problem. I considered going on A-D's just to reduce my drive.

I was able to get W to read "The Sex Starved Marriage" and she did take it to heart and has stepped up. After an initial period of adjustment, my sex drive is now much lower than it was and I spend zero time thinking about it, because I no longer worry that the next time may be my last.

Why do I share this? Because I came to realize two things: the first is that when our marriage was not going so well pre-bomb, sex was the only way I was connecting with W. Once we started to connect in other ways, sex became much less important because other types of connection filled the void that I assumed was just pure sex drive. Secondly, my unmet needs were literally causing me to "starve" which was causing me to act unnaturally -- I don't have a "sex problem", the problem was that I wasn't getting any! Addressing that gap has made all other elements of my relationship better. I'm suggesting that the same thing can happen to you with regard to your anger. Rather than trying to take the anger head on, try to snuff it out from behind by back filling what's causing the anger to surface. It's like getting well versus treating the symptoms.

You need adult connection to fill those buckets, and you're not getting it with the way you're currently living. If you used to get that from working, consider going back to work and making the childcare sacrifice. If you had friends in college or high school that you really miss and would like to reconnect with, consider moving closer to where they live. Your situation is causing you a lot of pain, it might be time for a bold move to pursue more adult connection.

Thanks for hanging in on my ramblings!

Accuray

[scaredsilly]

so true. i did not stop obsessing about my H until i opened my life to more of my family and friends. once i really started GAL, i was able to detach and think about how to make my life better.

accuray is right, again...as usual a wise man.

[keep_going]

SS - I am reading your threads and am almost done - I am in the last one. I find myself identifying with you in a lot of ways. Thanks again for stopping by and commenting. You get me, I can see that.

wow, Acc...
I will have to get back to you on this after I give it some more thought.

It's not that I wasn't aware of these issues, but more that I knew about this, but couldn't really pinpoint or diagnose exactly the what & how. It's something I have been thinking about for a while w/o being able to just put my finger to it - like you just did.

Does that make sense?

I think you are a genius, my friend!

Thanks!

[Valeska19]

You're H opened up alot about what bothers him. These past 4 days have given you alot to work on.

His complaints are the same since day 1. I just let my self-righteousness and ego cloud my sense of compassion for his pain and the work I need to do to stop hurting him. It's hard to forgive myself because I should have this down by now. For goodness sake, it's been almost TWO years for me...

I know.. two years SEEMS like a LONG time.. but you've spent DECADES reacting out of anger.. it's gonna take awhile.

Shorten the time. Instead of looking back the past two years or getting frustrated that there may be years still ahead.. just make it through the day.

Or make it a goal to make it through the next potential argument.

It will all add up and there will be a day when you look back and be surprised by just how much you have changed.

it's not about him. It's about you making the choice to stop the anger, it's about you making the choice to love him better. The changes are for YOU and eventually it will be up to your H to decide if he wants to accept them.

Regardless - YOUR PATH DOESN'T CHANGE.

Indeed. The anger issue is completely about me - for me and ALL my relationships. I know part of the reason I fell into this trap again is that I had let my expectations get high again... I have not posted about it, but our R was actually improving quite a bit and for the first time, I was seeing H actually initiating contact and acting as a true friend once again. I thought I had my emotions and expectations in check, but I didn't and when the ugliness of the D process and the separate account came back, everything came crashing down and I felt hurt and betrayed again.
My fault - I should know better than that...

Well.. now you do.

The Divorce process is ugly. I'm not going to lie. IMO - being loving throughout the D process is so very very hard. I'm not sure if I suggested it to you - but what really helped me was knowing my own heart and acting accordingly.

For me, that meant VERY LITTLE communication with my XW. It meant keeping the conversations kind.. but short. It meant not responding to texts at all, letting all phone calls go to voicemail, and answering emails only AFTER I yelled, vented, cried.. and repeated all those things enough UNTIL I could think clearly.

Because I knew I could not stop my pain.. I could only control how and when I expressed it.


So.. It's OKAY that you are hurt and angry.. you just need to figure out how to change the communication until you can handle it infront of your H. What do you think that looks like?

Thanks again, Val for coming here and reading. Please know that even though I don't post much, I follow your posts on the other side. You are a fantastic source of inspiration and good energy all the time!

Aww thanks! Just reach me on the alt any time.

[labug]

Because I knew I could not stop my pain.. I could only control how and when I expressed it.

Beautiful.

And about the time, kg, you're learning this 15 years earlier than I am, such a gift maybe painful at times, but still a gift.

[jks]

KG, I just have to say that everything Accuray said is absolutely true. He pretty much articulated everything that I've been going through lately in regard to connecting with other adults. It makes the biggest DIFFERENCE!!

I don't care about what my H is doing anymore. I don't even think about him. And when I do, it isn't in the way of him and I being together. He's just the man that takes my kids for a couple days each week. I feel like the reason for this is because I have made friends and formed these close bonds with them and I feel so understood on every level and I'm laughing and having a good time again. Something I've been genuinely missing in my life. Once you can do that again... laugh, joke, not care... you will lose the anger. You will gain back your self esteem and you will realize that you are so much more than you're giving yourself credit for.

Do what Accuray has said... do it now and forget H for now. I would also chime in on looking for a job. Getting a job for me was the greatest thing I could have ever done. Being there for your children day in and day out is great but when you can't seem to get your head above water because of the insane amount of stress you're under... sometimes taking a different route may really be your only option to stop this cycle.

Working, in and of itself, can build your self esteem immensely. Especially if you're able to do something that you love. You won't have to rely so much on H and you'll have the security of knowing exactly what kind of funds you're going to have and that you did it yourself.

I hope and pray that you're able to find something for you soon. Something that can give you a shift in your way of thinking. It is the biggest relief and you shouldn't have to suffer anymore.

[linz1822]

thank you so much for sharing and so beautifully articulating all i wanted to say about my feelings no one in my life has been here and i feel crazy cause no one understand hearing you write what i have been thinking in a weird way is so comforting.

thank you as well for sharing your goal list i am someone who learns form exempts and the words detach and gal mean nothing to me without them.

i wish you all the best an happiness in your future what ever it may hold.d

[2chiquitos]

KG, Big big hugs to you.

You beat yourself up a lot but it's about your progress (not perfection).

Would you have apologized the way you did before all this??

Would you have identified the root of your anger before all this??

Would H have been receptive to your apology before all this?

You are growing at YOUR pace so if it takes you 2+ yrs then so be it!

You're on your way to getting it right!

And guess who benefits from all your progress (besides yourself)? YOUR CHILDREN! They are learning from YOU how to handle their pain/hurt/anger/frustrations.

How would you feel if your adult children came to you and said their spouse wants a divorce because of their anger?? That would blow me away! Not that it would be my fault but how much (or little) did I teach them to manage their emotions and not reACT but ACT?

So you caused a crisis. So what? You picked yourself up and dusted yourself off and now onward. Continue your journey. This was a learning experience. God give you these learning experiences to help you practice and you did well, you really did!

Listen, I woulda been P1SSED if H took out most of the $ and went on a vacation with OW. Meanwhile, D1 has only 1 pair of shoes that look worn out and very little winter clothes. Meanwhile, my fridge n cupboards always looks half empty. Meanwhile, I've been wearing the same clothes cuz I need to go shopping.

BUT remember... behind that anger is pain/hurt. I would rather H saw my pain/hurt than my anger. Not that I want him to feel guilty but my anger is what drove him away before OW was involved.

I hope you sleep well tonite. Remember, my offer stands for a playdate. ;-)

[labug]

not to threadjack but, jks, update your thread. You sound like you've turned a big corner. I'm so happy for you!