Life as an Authentically Living LBS.

[Kimmerz]

Eric sounds like you've really built some good and healthy boundaries for yourself.

Funny, when I decided my goal was to live my life authentcally, setting healthy boundaries, and not doing for others just to appease them was the #1 I realized I needed to do.

For me, it's saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. If I can't say it due to it really causing harm, I don't say anything at all.

Im learning true forgiveness....for I've prayed for guidance and patience to see forgiveness towards my XH. I feel more forgiveness towards XH every day. What's so freaking ironic about that is that Im learning forgiveness towards him because all in all, we truly are the same in so many aspects of our personal demons and dysfunctions.

We just deal with it completely different than the other.

I never thought in a million years would I ever come to understand my XH better through divorce.

Im getting my answers to my questions and my why's believe it or not.

[NotSureWhatToDo]

Thank you Eric!!!!!

I have been all over this site and sadly it hasn't helped much. A lot of bitter people trapped in that bitterness.

Your post has helped me more than you will ever know.

[ericmsant2]

Kimmerz

we truly are the same in so many aspects of our personal demons and dysfunctions.

And IMO, this acknowledgment can only happen when you truly step back from the craziness and acknowledge our roles in the failure of the M. A lot times people will not do that level of work, so they leave the M (LBS or WAS) angry and bitter, which IMO, they carry through out their life until finally dealt with.

When you finally come to accept that....1) both people played a role in the demise 2) that sometime chit happens that is out of our control 3) if it is a "crisis", well then neither party had a choice in the matter and finally that....4) life does move foward, it continue to change and evolve for all us but we all have a responsibility to ourselves to make our lives what we want them to be...Well then you can really begin to forgive and heal.

I applaude you for digging!

God Bless,
Eric

[kml]

Amen, Eric!

Not being able to step back out of that hurt LBS place just leaves people in a self-destructive stuck funk. Picking up and moving forward, dreaming and living life out loud, and remembering that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself- all keys to the happy future we all want.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Thank you Eric!!!!!

I have been all over this site and sadly it hasn't helped much. A lot of bitter people trapped in that bitterness.

Your post has helped me more than you will ever know.

It is REALLY easy to become bitter.
You can see it in people's posts and attitudes.
It comes across in advice, you can almost tell without needing to ask if that person is still married or not, or even with another person. Sometimes, I can actually empathize with the WAS, based upon the level of bitterness.

NOT being bitter.

That is a choice.

It's a hard one, but I believe a better one.

And for the record, I am in no way saying that anyone on this thread falls into the bitter category. I have to currently approve NotSureWhatToDo's threads and that is how I saw the post and wanted to comment on it.

[ericmsant2]

Kimmerz

Im getting my answers to my questions and my why's believe it or not.

And that is all that really matters. I am happy for you.

Notsurewhattodo,

Your post has helped me more than you will ever know

Thank you.

KML,
Amen indeed.....It was not an easy road but one worth walking.

That is a choice.

And as J3B pointed out..."Choice"...everything is a choice. We can choose anger over happiness, bitterness over forgivness, chit we can even choose to look at circumstances in life as negative OR we can choose to find the positives in everything.


Eric

[Drew]

You can see it in people's posts and attitudes.

Can you tell if they're wearing a pink tutu?

[Kimmerz]

ok guys i talked to my xh face to face for the first time in 6-7 months today. It was a very positive experience. What Im wondering is if this is a result of us BOTH reaching a place where we really can show forgiveness towards one another. I do know that's at least how Im feeling now.


We've been talking alot via text about our daughter the past few days cause she's really struggling with some stuff. As parents we're not sure what to do with her, but we're actually working together instead of against one another in this situation, which is so nice.

So today I decided to be the best me that I could be and went out to talk to him in the driveway while he waited for the girls to gather their things for the night. I was just myself. Friendly, smiling, and felt completely at ease talking to him.

It was nice to see him again. He looked nice and he seemed normal and humble, a side I haven't seen in him in a long time. Seems like every time I saw him before he was indifferent, agitated, haughty, arrogant, OR just nervous as hell. Today, he wasn't. Today he was the real man I remember and that I was married to.

I started to walk away when our conversation dwindled off and he did start it back up again as I was going to leave, which I thought was nice for a change. Used to him just ignorning me half the time. Not sure how to feel when he's present and actually available.

So keeping my promise to myself to live authentically, I took the leap and acted towards him as I would've always acted towards him in the past. Living authentically also means Im letting what happened go. I sure the hell won't ever forget and it will still raise it's ugly head up at times, but Im not going to wallow in it anymore. As I've really used the gift of time to learn from this experience, I completely understand how and why we got to this point.

I think what bothers me though is that I do still love this man. Getting the gift of really understanding what happened and learning more about him, still inspires me to rebuild a relationship with him.

Im just going to work one day at a time with him.

[Takevowsserious]

Great post K. You are such an inspiration.

There's a Carly Simon song that I really like called "Coming Around Again".

She says-

"I know nothing stays the same,
but if you're willing to play the game
It will be coming around again.

So don't mind if I fall apart,
There's more room in a broken heart."

She also says somewhere in the song "I do believe in love."
I know I do.
I think you do too

[AntoniaB]

I like this topic...It makes me reflect.

I think that as much as my relationship with my XH was comforting and made me feel safe, that I was not really authentically me for the second half of the relationship. So really, that's a decade where I wasn't who I was meant to be.

I think the way I live my life now is much more authentic. I was becoming very much like XH the longer I was with him. Interestingly the first conversation he and I ever had was an argument about how I was very optimistic and he was very pessimistic. And of course I had this whole "I can change him" thing going...but he also sort of "chose" me because he thought I was "good" for him with my optimism.

All that happened was that my optimism drained after years and I became angry and cynical and lost my empathy for others.

I'd say now I'm back to the core self as far as optimism, compassion, empathy, etc. I still go to the victim mentality when things get bad or pile up, I get all "I need someone to save me", but it eventually passes.

What's weird is that the longer I'm alone, the more I'm conquering fears that were with me since childhood. I had no chance at conquering that stuff while with XH. NO CHANCE.

My life is incredibly different. It's very bittersweet. I miss him sometimes so much. I will be somewhere, hear a song, and fall right back in time to some memory with him, and that will just about tear me apart. And then I have to talk myself back into the present and say well, yeah, you're sad, and yet, there are all these things that wouldn't be if he hadn't betrayed you, and those things might not make you happy as a "partner in a couple", but they are empowering as an individual.

I do feel that there are repercussions to what he did. I don't think I will ever fully trust any man again and I don't think I will ever fully believe in love again (of a romantic nature). I just really don't think it's going to happen. Doesn't mean I won't get involved with someone, but it means I'll always have my guard up. I will always be skeptical. I don't think I can get rid of that.

That's the part of me that is authentic and yet sad because I can't get rid of it. I forgive what happened. But I cannot forget it no matter how hard I try.