My Story Part 4: New Beginnings

[timbits]

OK. So here's the links to previous threads:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I just got back from my fabulous vacation in the Dominican. I had an absolute blast! So much fun! I crossed off a few items from my bucket list. I went snorkelling, swam with sharks and sting rays, went on a catamaran ride, went on a dune buggy ride and got to swim in an awesome cave, took lots of pictures and spent lots of days lying in the pool with a drink from the swim up bar. My sister`s reception was at the pool and after all the pictures and the dancing (which was awesome), some of the girls and I jumped in the pool with our dresses on. It was actually really fun. I felt like a jelly fish with my dress puffing out behind me. I floated in the water and looked at the stars and felt absolutely free, like I could do anything I wanted without judgement or consideration of any one else`s feelings (not that I`d hurt any one, but I don`t have to worry about what anyone else thinks).

I brought the shoes that I was married in. They are actually keds, and really comfortable. I decided to leave them there, in the Dominican. It sounds a little corny, but it was like leaving behind all of the hurt and anger and sadness. I just let it go. I`m sure I`ll have days where it hurts worse than other days, or days when I`m still mad, but at this point, I just want to let it all go and move forward.

I still have lots to keep me busy. I`m still feathering my nest, so to speak. I want to have a housewarming party, host Thanksgiving (which is the first or second week of October in Canada), join the choir (audition on Wednesday) and start a book club. Lots to do!

Still no contact with H. I`m not initiating anything, if he wants to talk he can come to me. I`m not going to guarantee that I`ll be there, though.

[hopefulinga]

Glad to see you are back and had such a great time!! It sounds like that trip has helped to move a long a little further in your process.

[bustingout]

tidbits you sound like you had a wonderful time! I am so happy to read about it. good for you. you seem like you are in a really good place :-) :-)

[bustingout]

timbits! sorry about the typo!

[timbits]

i really feel like it did help me a lot. at the risk of sounding like a tampon commercial, i feel like the trip really helped me to release a lot of the negativity and leave it there on the island. i was free and i still feel light and free now. i feel like there is a weight lifted off my shoulders, and that it was like an awakening of sorts.

enough of the kumbaya stuff. i had to have a little discussion with miss bea. apparently, when i was gone, she wouldn't pee or poop last night, only in the house in her little room (finished storage/laundry room, so at least it's easy to clean). she peed for me today, but didn't have a poop. hopefully it was just because she was upset with the changes. i bought a steam mop this afternoon and cleaned her room, which made it smell MUCH better. eek. i'm also washing her blankets now, which STANK. oh bea. i don't like using chemical cleaners on the floors of that room especially, because she licks the floor a lot when she licks her feet and chews on her toys. and some times she just licks the floor for no apparent reason.

not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. i want to stay on vacation, lol! i also got some groceries this evening, and am making thai shrimp curry for supper tomorrow night. yum. should be great!

[timbits]

apparently i start a new secondment position tomorrow. thought it would be at least a week or so, but apparently they are desparate and need someone right away. that was quick. that makes going back to work a little more interesting as i will have something new to look forward to.

thinking about going to a movie on thursday. will have to see how things play out...

[timbits]

went to dinner at mom's. my cousin and her boyfriend are visiting from ontario and staying with mom. the boyfriend is actually a carpenter by trade and he said that he'd put my bed together for me, which is awesome. i have a load of laundry in the washer right now and feel very at home. just watching a little tv now with bea.

looks like i'll be cooking the thai curry shrimp tomorrow night before going to the choir practice. i need to get back into cooking again. while it was nice to have mom and dad cook, i need to get back into the adult world, lol. and i miss cooking quite a bit.

[hopefulinga]

How was the new position? I hope that you get the bed put togehter soon. Is Bea back to herself? She probably got mad at you for leaving her for so long.

[timbits]

sorry for the delay in posting. i've been super busy lately. bea is doing just fine. she's still peeing in the room during the day, but i'm going to put puppy pads down and see if that helps. i didn't want to use them because apparently they're bad for housebreaking puppies, but she is housebroken. she just goes in that room during the day when i'm at work. she never pees or poops when she's home with me. we'll have to see how it goes.

i brought her to the vet tonight. the vet said she was beautiful. she has a subluxating patella on her right leg, which is really common in that breed. it doesn't cause her any pain, so as long as i keep an eye on it, there isn't anything to do at the moment. she sure doesn't like the vet, though. she also needed her anal glands drained. ugh. poor puppy! poor vet, too. hahaha. she was alright as soon as we left the exam room.

the new position is great. i can just sit there and focus on the testing tasks at hand. it could get monotonous, but for a short period of time, it's nice to just sit there and focus. the girls i work with are all really nice, too, which is a welcome departure from my current position. i shouldn't say that because out of the 10 of us in the office, it's only 2 who cause the problems. but, boy, do they love to stir sh!t up!

anyway, things are going very well at the moment. i start my bellydancing classes next week. can't wait!

[timbits]

i had a really rough night last night. i was watching the re-play of last's season's finale for grey's anatomy, and SPOILER ALERT, the scene where lexie died really got to me. mark was telling her how much he loved her, and it hit me how much i miss h. not the h that i lived with for the last year, but the h i married. i felt like emailing him, asking "what was wrong with me and the m and us that we couldn't make this work? we loved each other. what changed?" i didn't write him, of course, but i just picked up little bea and cried. she was rather confused by this, but snuggled with me all the same.

i know that i'm doing better, and what happened wasn't ALL of my fault, though i do own my part in the failure of the m. but every now and then, the hurt bubbles up, and i feel the pain all over again. it's very intense. i feel much better now, but last night was really hard. i just ached for his arms around me. writing about this is making me well up a little bit, because i still wish i had the old h. but i have to accept that that h is not there any more, and i don't know if he'll ever come back. hell, i don't even know if he WANTS to come back. maybe he's happier as he is. i doubt it, but i'm not a mind reader. it would be selfish of me to wish he change back into the man i loved, especially if he hated that man.

but every now and then, i feel a little selfish and wish i had my h back. i still miss him. i think a part of me always will miss him. i know i'll always love him. but i also need to love myself. i'm getting better at that. not 100% there yet, but i'd say that i'm about 40%, which is much better than actively hating myself.