Dealing with Anger

[Denver_2010]

Arsene,
Now that you have journaled and recognized what needs to be done, the question that I and many others will propose is:

What are you now going to do about it????

Thanks for being here Suppo. I have been thinking about this a lot. I guess I need some plan of action and it funny because last night, I was reading Denver's sitch (I'm a bit past the halfway point) and I reached that point where he himself has some sort of epiphany and comes up with an action plan.

For some reasons, I've always related to Denver for a few reasons. The first thing that caught my attention was that his W is also a singer and a teacher who was having an A with a fellow band member. Reading on, I noticed that what he'd done was similar to what I've done and the way he thinks, his strong belief in his marriage, his vows and his W, are very much like the way I think (or at least thought I did till my own epiphany - and hope I can live up to, now). Also, some of the things his W did and said are very similar to what my W has done and said.

Well, I read his plan of action and it rang a bell. It seems to me that everything in there makes sense to me and it goes along the lines of what I would like to do, perhaps with some slight modification, should any of you want to help me tweak it. I hope Denver is not going to come after me for copyright infringement . Actually, I wouldn't mind hearing from you, Denver, to let me know how it went and if you'd recommend following it as is.

I can't recall when I posted that. Do you know the month?

If I do recall correctly, it was the beginning of me formulating a plan to manage my situation. It took me a while to get it down... and some of it I probably never got completely down until May of this year.

I'm not going to lie to Arsene, this stuff is hard. Even when you have it written in words staring back at you.

This is how it goes (sorry, it's a bit long)

1. OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM. I cannot control whether or not W chooses to have contact with him. I need to accept that. He wins ONLY IF I LET HIM.

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Don't always answer her text messages right away. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. see #1. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me. BUT, I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in November, December and January. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

If I had to make that list over again, under the same circumstances, I would add:

15. An other part of my plan is to go on living the best way I can. ... the lease on my new house is for 2 years and the life I'm planning for myself could easily keep me here for that long so why not? 2 years of me living a good life with my D8, having lots of fun and doing lots of exciting, interesting things ...Also, in 2 years of living a good life, it might not matter so much whether or not my W returns home

YOUR WORDS ^^^

Your working here Arsene.... And doing a nice job.

Keep it up and hang in there.

Denver

[Mrs D]

Arsene .... I love, love, love this post!!! Those are such great goals!! Alot of what you have added for your goals are similar to the ones Im trying to follow as well. You truly inspire me Arsene. Happy Friday.

[suppo]

Arsene,

These goals here are many of the same that I have mentally internalized from what Starsky, Denver, & my IC have given me to work on. I know you can accomplish them, but you do have to try and take some baby steps with them! That is a very big plate to try and finish all in one setting, trust me I know. I started off sprinting for the first 5 months, and found myself at total exhaustion & in a very dark place wanting someone to pour a GatorAide down my throat, so I could continue on.

I am truly proud to have a PMA most of the time, with you guys labeling me as the "Cheerleader". But I would be lying to you, if I said I don't think about things often. My W is a Very Very Beautiful, Intelligent, Wonderful Woman & Mother, whom I truly took advantage of for almost 16 years. So there is no way on God's green earth that I could ever stop thinking about her at all, and neither will you (stop thinking about your W, that is...LoL)

I sit here in the Airport as I type this and watch all of the Families walk by me with kids that are similar ages to mine, and think: Boy I would give my left nut to have that back & start over the right way. Then again, God has given me a gift to work on myself, so that when my W does come back, I can be the Husband, Man, & Father that I need to be.

Of course you have to tell yourself when you see these families walk by that on the surface may all be a facade & they may have just as many problems as the rest of us.

Keep up the goals & PMA Freshman!

Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah!

[suppo]

A song that many of you may not get or ever heard of that hits home for me sometimes is a song called "Silhouettes" by Smile Empty Soul. You may think it is very downing & cumbersome, but there are very good messages in there.

Also look up "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real and "In my Blood" by Black Stone Cherry.

Songs have a lot of meaning for me these days, especially when something jumps out at me right after reading scripture or praying.

ok: Back to the regularly scheduled program!

[Mrs D]

A song that many of you may not get or ever heard of that hits home for me sometimes is a song called "Silhouettes" by Smile Empty Soul. You may think it is very downing & cumbersome, but there are very good messages in there.

Also look up "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real and "In my Blood" by Black Stone Cherry.

Songs have a lot of meaning for me these days, especially when something jumps out at me right after reading scripture or praying.

ok: Back to the regularly scheduled program!

Love Love Smile Empty Soul and BSC! And both are very very good songs. I think BSCs "Wont Let Go" or "Stay" touch me more now with everything that is going on in my life anyway.

[Mrs D]

Arsene,

I am truly proud to have a PMA most of the time, with you guys labeling me as the "Cheerleader". But I would be lying to you, if I said I don't think about things often. My W is a Very Very Beautiful, Intelligent, Wonderful Woman & Mother, whom I truly took advantage of for almost 16 years. So there is no way on God's green earth that I could ever stop thinking about her at all, and neither will you (stop thinking about your W, that is...LoL)

I sit here in the Airport as I type this and watch all of the Families walk by me with kids that are similar ages to mine, and think: Boy I would give my left nut to have that back & start over the right way. Then again, God has given me a gift to work on myself, so that when my W does come back, I can be the Husband, Man, & Father that I need to be.

Of course you have to tell yourself when you see these families walk by that on the surface may all be a facade & they may have just as many problems as the rest of us.

Keep up the goals & PMA Freshman!

Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah!

I hope that with everything that we all are going through on this site that our spouses, or Xs do think of us as much as we think of them. I have to believe and thats what helps me push through the day as well.

[Broken74]

Hey Arsene,

I don't think I have read any of your posts until now but I wanted to thank you for this one. My struggle with anger and acting based on emotion instead of logic is at the centerpiece of my sitch. Your initial post here I could have easily written with the exception of I am not yet to the place you are, but your writing touches on my feelings and prior actions exactly. Thank you so much for this and good luck in your journey and sitch!

[Arsene]

I can't recall when I posted that. Do you know the month?

It was in May 2011.

I'm not going to lie to Arsene, this stuff is hard. Even when you have it written in words staring back at you.

Yeah, I'm sure it's not going to be a walk in the park but let's face it, where I am now isn't either so I need to give myself a sense of purpose. This plan helps me regain some self respect. I feel like Stockdale in his POW camp (no offence meant to any vets - I do realise this is very different). I'm confident and determined to see this through, now all I need is "the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of my current reality, whatever they might be". I think I can get that through my meditation, PMA and GAL.

If I had to make that list over again, under the same circumstances, I would add:

15. An other part of my plan is to go on living the best way I can. ... the lease on my new house is for 2 years and the life I'm planning for myself could easily keep me here for that long so why not? 2 years of me living a good life with my D8, having lots of fun and doing lots of exciting, interesting things ...Also, in 2 years of living a good life, it might not matter so much whether or not my W returns home

YOUR WORDS ^^^

Your working here Arsene.... And doing a nice job.

Keep it up and hang in there.

Denver

Thanks Denver. I think I'm getting there slowly. It helps to have this kind of support from all of you. I feel great and I have for the last few days. It feels like I've turned a page with this plan of action. You're the man Denver!

[needgrace]

Hi Arsene, I have been reading your thread and just want to say that I think your list was awesome. I love your ability to take responsibility for your role and to think the best of your W in these very difficult times. You are showing true strength and growth. ((((((( )))))))

[suppo]

I feel like Stockdale in his POW camp (no offense meant to any vets - I do realise this is very different). I'm confident and determined to see this through, now all I need is "the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of my current reality, whatever they might be". I think I can get that through my meditation, PMA and GAL.

Arsene,

This right here shows how much heart & how much you really do care about others! I am still Active & for one would have to say that this is one of the toughest things I have been through mentally & has quite a profound on me physically as well.

On the other hand, I have not been a POW, nor do I want to. I think that the emotional/mental aspect of this is tough, due to the fact of the attachment & love that we all feel for our spouses, and I can understand why you would relate this to the mental challenges dealt with keeping it together like that of a POW. Although slightly different challenges, I get it Brother!

Just remember: We will Persevere & in the end will Prevail Freshman!!