Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

So I went to S5's preschool graduation this morning and H warned me last night that OW would be there. I have been dreading this moment for a long, long time. I was going to have a friend come with me for moral support but she had something else she had to do. So I went by myself. I made a candy lei for my little boy and walked in and saw him sitting in his chair and put it around his neck. I was the biggest ball of nerves because I knew H and OW were there but I hadn't seen them yet. My little boy looked so adorable in his cap and gown and he gave me the sweetest kiss. I then went to find a seat and walked right passed H and OW and my D1. I found a seat and D1 immediately started screaming my name and ran over to me.

Ultimately, I realized that I will always be their mother and there's nothing that anyone can do to take that away from me. It was a painful thing to see H and OW so happy together and laughing and talking together the entire time while I focused on taking pictures and keeping D1 quiet.

I am in a sad place today. He's happy. I am not. He's found his best friend and lover and I am lost. He constantly reminds me that I have no value to him anymore. He later texted me and told me that he saw a picture on the preschool slide show of our son that he really liked and wanted to know if I would send him any other pictures that I have taken of the kids. I told him "I don't know. This is my talent and you decided you didn't want it anymore. :(" He then said, "Fair enough. How much would you charge me for a disc then?" Wow. That was a kick in the gut. I don't know how to explain it but that was hurtful to me.

Now I know why I have avoided this for so long. It's hard to take in.

[labug]

Hey, J! Good to hear from you but sorry for your pain.

Could you give him a photo of each of the kids and leave it at that? I think I understand the hurt.

Congrats to the graduate.

[bustingout]

Hi J, I am sorry for your pain too. This is all such an incredibly ugly situation. We are here for you. Keep letting it out. xxx

[reachingHigher]

Jks, I was just reading over some of my threads from "newcomers" from last summer and wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your kindness and support. There were so many scary and lonely times and you were always there for me.

How are things for you?

[jks]

Reachinghigher... I am lost. I'm in a dark place right now. I'm finding myself needing to move again and I lost my job. I've been looking for a new one all summer and no luck. Luckily I have had my photography to rely on for the time being but it's not very stable. I am so unstable financially, emotionally, everything. My ex continues to get meaner and meaner and the guy I'm dating is incredibly mean as well. But I have this insanely hard time detaching from him and its leaving me feeling hopeless. Divorce is rough.

[Mimi00]

Hi jks, this is my first time in your thread. The post at the top of this page made my eyes water. So sorry for your pain and that you are still feeling lost even 2 months later. Keep pushing your self with your photography, try new things with it, have fun.

If the guy you are dating is mean, please evaluate why you are with him. You deserve better. Someone who treats you kindly.

I hope you continue to work on yourself and post and give us updates. This storm will pass, so don't let it wash you away, be strong through it!

[jks]

So I just read through this entire thread tonight and realized that I have completely lost sight of my goals. I have gone in the opposite direction of everything I had set out to do. It is the most frustrating feeling because I came out of a very traumatic, damaging situation with my ex and I'm now finding myself in another relationship with someone who is very emotionally abusive and spiritually/religiously not what I want. All the while, as I try to get away from him. I can't. The feelings of detaching from someone yet again are painfully hard to face.

I went 10 days a couple weeks ago without talking to him AT ALL. I felt like I was torturing myself. I went into a mode of complete depression and lost all interest in life and just straight up functioning. My house was in the worst disarray and my kids were barely being taken care of. As soon as I started talking to him again... all of my motivation came back. It's sickening. Why do I have to have this man in my life? I'm so mad I met someone like this and aloud him to get so close to me.

I can't even commit to him and he knows that and that in itself is such a messed up relationship if you ask me. I mean, we've been dating since February and I still can't commit?

So my new plan is to move again. When I moved where I did, I moved really far away from my friends and family. So I'm moving back closer to where I grew up. I have a job interview tomorrow with a company that I used to work for. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the answer to my prayers. I lost my job in May and have been looking for another job ever since with no luck. I have one more month with my current lease and I have to figure something out fast.

All in all, I desperately want to find that girl again. The girl that was ok without a man in her life. The girl that knew what she wanted and who she wanted to be. I have disappointed myself tremendously in the last couple months. My life seems to be completely out of control and I need to have stability again.

My ex has been insanely mean and cold-hearted as well to add on top of everything else. It was funny to me reading back how he was so friendly to me and willing to help me and now he is so far passed that. He wants nothing to do with me and puts me down quite a bit. I have to remind him that I do not deserve to be put down. I am doing the best I can.

I'm needing help from this forum again. I'm becoming extremely desperate for answers as to how to handle this situation. IT IS SO HARD!!

[jks]

I wrote that post last night and forgot to hit enter to post it...

[Accuray]

JKS,

We've both been here for quite a while, and your sitch has been very difficult, you've had some really tough things thrown at you. Through this process I feel I've gotten to know you, and you are a wonderful woman with a lot to offer.

I do believe that you know what you have to do, you're just having trouble doing it.

The lack of motivation and the listless feelings you describe are symptoms of depression. When you're in a relationship, you're using the energy and excitement of the relationship to self-medicate. That's not good for you or the other person.

You are now using a *bad* relationship because it's better and less scary for you than having NO treatment for your depression. Why would you want to commit to a person you characterize as emotionally abusive? Does that make any sense? You are not committing because you *know* he is bad for you.

If you read back to your original posts, you talk about the reasons you think you ran into trouble in your marriage. You got to a point where you weren't very functional and were relying on your H to do everything as you described it. This is also depression!

You MUST talk to your doctor about this and get some help -- that may include medication, talk therapy, or both, but you MUST do it, particularly for the sake of your kids.

Living with depression is difficult for all involved, there is no shame in having the condition. I know that money may be an issue, and there are always reasons not to do something about it today, and assume that you'll deal with it later, but you can't accept that or time will continue to pass and you'll stay where you are. Your kids can't do anything about your depression, but you can, and you must.

Acc

[keep_going]

JKS,

I cannot agree more with what Acc is saying. I think you ARE strong enough to do this. I can see why you are afraid of change, of letting go and making tough decisions. But you DO need to change something.

Start by stopping to beat yourself up for what has happened. The past is gone. You can choose to change your mistakes NOW. This moment - not tomorrow or in an hour. RIGHT NOW you can do something to get out of this rut.

Look up, look ahead and just take one step.

GET HELP - counseling and help with your depression is a major first step. What can you do right now to get that going?
Do you have recommends? Can you make phone calls to set up an appintment? Can you research online now?

Also, get yourself to a CODA meeting immediately. Get online RIGHT NOW and find what meeting you can go to tonight. And tomorrow night. And get their weekly schedule in your area. Go daily if you need to - sometimes going to different meetings and groups helps even more. Get a sponsor. Start your twelve steps. Get support from those in your groups.

I am worried about you, girl and I am worried about your kids.
They need you. A HEALTHY you...

I think it's also a GREAT idea to move closer to friends and relatives. You need to surround yourself by positive and healthy influences. You need a support group. Are you looking at listings today? Do you have any options for housing yet? What can you do today to advance that process?

Sometimes the hardest first step is deciding to let go and just ACCEPT HELP. It's ok to acknowledge that we cannot do this on our own. Right now you can't. And being around unhealthy people and relationships is only compounding the problem. I know I have said it before and please forgive my bluntness, but you need to get away from this man.

He is like a drug right now and what you feel for him is not love. He is just TEMPORARILY helping you mask the pain you feel. But when the high is gone, he just leaves you feeling worse about yourself. There is no way you can recover while you are in this kind of situation and relationship. He is just damaging your self-esteem more and more.

No matter how much you hurt, you need to realize that you are getting hurt more by staying with him. And your kids are getting hurt too.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

You NEED to do this - for yourself and your precious little ones.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN.
YES, IT'S TIME TO REDISCOVER YOURSELF.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
Because nobody else will.

Hang in there.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
But you need to help yourself by taking the first step NOW.

((((((((((JKS))))))))))))