My wife and I have been together close 10 years, married almost 9 years, our anniversary is next month. I am near 37 years old, and she is 31 years onld. We have 3 children, 11, 7, and 2. So in short, 2 months ago, I stumbled upon my wife Facebooking / texting an old boyfriend. Since then, she has told me that she wants a separation, as she questions her love for me, as well as the entire concept of marriage. After reading DR, I would have to categorize her as a combination of a Walk Away Wife and Midlife Crisis kind of person. As far as the separation, we have been having a "Live-in" separation thus far, as we are unable to financially maintain our house and a possible apartment. Awkward to say the least, especially because everytime she picks up her phone, I cringe. I know she is still in contact with this OM, if not beginning to go on dates with him. Ihave begun to therapy, medication, and starting to "Act As If," with some begnning signs of success. She occassionally, now seems interested in me. Unforortunatelhy, I think she is getting more from the OM, than myself.
A quick question for the seaaoned experts dealing with this, how to stop the negative intrusive thoughts, especially at bed time. What works? 8)
I'll add more information as needed, and I thank you all for your help and support in advance...
Sorry that you find yourself here. With more information, we'll be able to help you get your M on track.
You stop the negative thoughts by GAL. At night, you're going to have to learn how to deal with it on your own. You can meditate, think of a question before you go to bed, fall asleep with the tv on, take ADs, etc. It really is up to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks. If I could not be here, I would not. However, I am glad this place exists for those of us in this predicament. add'l info
Our “live in” separation has us alternating weekends on who goes out and who is with her our children. My biggest issue, that I know I need to let go, is fidelity. I object to the idea of dating others as well as any physically intimate contact. That is one of my values with which she totally disagrees because “we’re separated, whatever happens, happens.” The fact that there is an OM, and this will be her weekend to go out, totally gets me to. Tips for how to detach? I have started reading and exercising regularly. Actually requests that she has made of me for awhile. I’m now doing it and enjoying it for me, not to simply “win” her back. Furthermore, I am drinking weight gain drinks, as I initially lost 10lbs with which I cannot afford to lose. I have always been skinny / “wirey.”  I have also started to reconnect with friends (talking, texting, and spending time with them). I’m trying to discover old or new hobbies. Nothing jumps out yet. Everything we’re going through makes sense She had an abusive childhood, parents had a horrible divorce, she had a child early; and then we met. I come from a “normal” childhood, dad worked and mom stayed at home. I’m using the word “normal,” very loosely as I don’t like to use the word. A huge part of my inherent problem is that I’m too nice, I want to help everything and everyone. I need to start with myself; and yet at the same time am struggling with being too much of a “friend” due to our circumstances. Again, I do not want her to think I’m being the same “too nice” guy to “win her back.”
Oh, here's a quick question. I realize the error of my initials ways of trying to use anger, sadness, begging, and rationalization in order to persuade her. However, what about family and friends? Those that are "on my side" are saying things, pretty much the truth, that anger her and is pushing her further away from me and our family towards validation from the OM. Thoughts / suggestions...
However, what about family and friends? Those that are "on my side" are saying things, pretty much the truth, that anger her and is pushing her further away from me and our family towards validation from the OM.
You can not control the other people, only YOURSELF.
If you look into how to stop affairs long term, pushing them closer together is more likely to break the affair.
You do not want to provide any of her needs as that is cake eating and will actually make the affair last longer.
No, we need more information about your marital history. What are her complaints about you, etc. I notice that you didn't mention anything wrong about you and that they were all issues about your W, but be honest. There must be some reason why she left you. What gripes has she had about you in the past?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No really, I'm perfect. J/K A very big J/K. After my last post, I was thinking that I had failed to mention anything about myself, as I do realize how I contributed to all of this. So to begin, we first met at work. She was a single mom, full time employee, and slowly but surely working on obtaining her Bachelor's degree. Throughout all of these years, she has obtained her Bach, a Master's Degree, has received tenure at her work, and recently added becoming a certified Zumba instructor. She has came along way. I on the either hand, already had my Master's and have been set in my career ever since. I can honestly say that I have not done anything really for myself, partially due to being so supportive of her and her wants (sell this house, buy that house, have another child, sell this house and build a new house - closer to her family - far from mine). In addition to this, I have become somewhat controllng per her. Calling and asking when she might be home from a little "retail therapy." To be honest, I never knew how little time there actually was for the "retail therapy" as I rarely would do it. It wasn't until recently that I realized of 3 hours away from home, half of that is driving to get to the stores. She has also criticized me for being at work too much. Her feeling like a single parent. Her work schedule is pretty much the same as our kids school schedule. I have more of a 9-5 job based on commission if you will. So no guranteed salary. In the past few months, my work has closed on Fridays which has prompted me to have to work later on several days, not getting home until 7 often. Prior to all of what is going on, I had decided to stop "late nights" on Thursday, and recently on Wednesday. The money is simply not worth the time away from my wife and children. Lastly, I generally come home emotionally exhausted / drained and do not have much to offer to her or the kids - lack of connection. I have been trying to right that wrong. There's a big chunk of how come she has left me.
