Well, I've finally reached a point where I feel I need to introduce myself and seek some support and encouragement in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. I've read DB, and realized I was already at a point in my M where I had to start implementing LRT. I've been facing an inevitable separation since just after the July 4 holiday. That is when my wife told me she doesn't have anything left to try with and wants a divorce.
Initially I did everything wrong. Until two weeks ago when I picked up M's book. The feeling of panic set in when I realized I missed the chance to try some really good advice from the book and was sitting squarely at a point of no return as far as my W leaving me. I began to implement my 180's. Things improved some. We were able to talk to each other without fighting, and she gave me the chance to talk about my realizations in how I've failed her throughout our 8 year M, and responded with "I wish you would have realized these things before I reached this point of resolve, when I would have been willing to work on things, but I have nothing left to give you."
She found an apartment this week and informed me she's moving out with our two daughters. I tried to keep with the 180 approach and not try and talk her out of it, and even helped her divide our things and help her pack. Last night we talked, she seemed very receptive to the idea of separation for a while before filing, after previously threatening to file on a daily basis. Tonight she told me she still plans to file after moving, and told me it might be easier on me to just move on. I was crushed.
I know I shouldn't have taken the bait, but I asked her if she really meant that. She said "yes, I want you to move on and I don't want to be married to you any longer".
I'm devastated right now. She seems so at peace with the thought of divorce. I'm just looking for some encouragement from someone who has faced a sitch where there seemed to be no chance at all for R, but turned things around at the eleventh hour.
Please, somebody respond with some inspiration or advice that may help me turn things around.
I know that time is probably the best thing I have going. I truly believed if I gave her the space she needs to heal and not be caught up in the emotionally draining conversations we have had the past month, it might give her the chance to realize our family and M is worth digging down and finding the energy to try.
She has told me through this that there is no OM. She does have a male friend at work that is separated and going through the same sitch we are. I noticed there were a lot of texts/calls between them until late at night. I also found out that they were ride sharing the commute to work since May. I asked her about it, and she said there is nothing to it. They are encouraging each other and praying for one another. I have never not trusted my W, and at that point accepted her explanation, but asked that she step back a bit and keep the interaction at work. Other than one exchange of texts, she has. Although, I have no idea about email interaction. I guess in the long run it does not matter. However, I found some comfort in seeing the many day long exchanges, and late night calls stop. It made me feel like she does care about my feelings.
Well, last night was rough. The first night without my W, D7,D2. I have kept firm with not initiating contact. She texted to ask what church service I plan to attend, so I responded. I'm still hurting and struggling with the DBing, but have read a lot about others on here facing the same difficulties, and moving along okay. I'm not there yet, that's obviously why I'm here.
Part of me wants to take her advice and move on, but I know the pain will not be any less, and my love for her will not just fade away. That's why I'm here, to learn and observe what has worked for others and try to implement some DB techniques to whatever R it is I have with my W from here on out. I do believe she loves me, but I don't understand how she can walk away leaving options on the table. We have not tried MC, not tried talking to our Pastor, etc. She says she has been praying for me to "wake up" for years, and now that I show the desire to do whatever it takes, she is done. She says she doesn't trust me enough to change for the long term. When I asked her if she would try MC she said "why? We will just be right back here doing this all again in 6 mo to a year, and I can't do it" "I simply DO NOT want to be married to you anymore!"
I'm not prepared yet to accept that D is the most likely outcome. I have my faith, and know it tells me D is not okay, that we should always find a reason to stay and work on it. I just hope she comes to the same realization at some point. I hope the space I give is good for out R, and not an opportunity for her to pursue OM.
I'm just struggling...floundering, while she just moves on along, seemingly content at where we are at. It's painful...
First full day with NC whatsoever. Very tough, but I used it to clean the house, as I will need to move to an apartment as well at the end of the month. I also spent some time working out, not at a gym yet, but lots of push ups, sit ups, and a bike ride. I'm actually still in pretty good shape for 39, but it did make me feel good, and I know my W has made comments about how great I looked when we first met.
Not used to heading to work without the "have a good day" from the W. Trying to keep my mind off of what she might be doing, or whom she may be talking to, or if she's thinking about someone else while I can't stop thinking about her. Easier said than done for sure.
Hello Faithnomore. Sorry to see your in this situation. Your story is close to mine about wife not saying how unhappy they were for years and now it's too late and not worth fighting for. My W is going through MLC and moved out in Oct. and has filed for dissolution. I have good days and bad days still. I wish I could say it's going to be easy but it's not. GAL is a must or else you will go insane. Sounds as if you go to church continue doing that it helps lift me up when I down. Sounds like your wife still goes mine does the same from time to time and even sits with me. But she still doesn't want to hear some of the messages some were really good about second chances and and I thought they would hit home but no such luck. Do your best to stick with what the book says. Things will get better for you. I'll be praying for you.
Not used to heading to work without the "have a good day" from the W. Trying to keep my mind off of what she might be doing, or whom she may be talking to, or if she's thinking about someone else while I can't stop thinking about her. Easier said than done for sure.
I am right there with you on all of this, but especially the heading out to work bit... Mornings are really really hard for me. Hang in there brother.
M: 34 W: 33 T: 11y M: 4y Bomb: 6/29/2012 Same roof, different rooms: 8/5/2012
The DBing is still very much contrary to my impulses. I have something I need quick advice on. Today I spoke with WAW. This past weekend we divided out belongings and I moved her to her apt. Today she says we need to renegotiate the Dyson (vacuum). She said she needs it more because the dog she took is the long haired of the two. I pretty much gave her every other appliance in the house and asked for the Dyson. I don't need w/d, microwave, etc in my new place. I honestly don't want to make it a big fight, but I've already given her just about everything except my tools a couple of chairs and a coffee table. One of us is going to have to but a new vacuum. That's just the way it is. I offered to buy one for her, however I can't afford another Dyson at this time. I do not want to fight over pettiness. Should I just let her have it? Or should I point out that she made out quite well with the split already, and tell her I'm not parting with it?
I think she senses the changes with all of the 180s, and notices I'm trying to be more pleasant. Now I feel as though she's trying to use that against me to get what she wants. If I put up a fight, I know it will set me back a bit
So sorry you are here. Keep your head up and read and post as much as you can here. There are a lot of great people on this board who will take time out of their day to help you out. Don't expect it to get any easier any time soon. Just keep your head up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
FYI. I am no expert so seek a second opinion before implementing what I say.
I would think as far as the vacuum is concerned, the question to ask yourself is, how important is the vacuum to you?
Is it worth a possible argument and lingering anger on your W's part for days/weeks?
You said one of your goals is to be more pleasant, then stick with that.
You are still in the early stage of separation, so I would think avoiding conflict is the way to go. The sooner you WAW stops being mad and starts realizing how different her life is going to be the better.
Use this opportunity to be civil. BTW not asking you to be a pushover.
Good luck! Keep posting, keep asking for help, and read as many other people's sitch as possible to try to find things that you might apply.
Me:27 W:30 S1:3y/o S2:8m/o T:5 M:3 Bomb:5/16/12 W moved out:5/16/12
Your story sounds somewhat similar to mine, but then again, I think a lot of what WAS say is script. My wife told me for 18 months she wanted a divorce, and even moved out a few weeks ago. She's told me so many times "if you were this person 5 years ago, we'd be in a happy marriage" and things of that sort. She constantly refers to me in terms of "the old you" and "the new you." I've heard the "nothing left" a bunch of times too.
With all that said, my W moved back in after one week....she said it was just for the week, but a few days in she brought her clothes back, today she put her clothes back in the drawers, and we're talking and touching every day.
This isn't to say we're fixed...we are not, far from it. We've only talked about R one night, and it was a fight, and she dropped the bomb again. Otherwise, we're in a pleasant limbo so to speak. I'm content to continue working on me, and letting her sort her own stuff out in her own way and at her own speed. But my point is, they can flip on a dime....
With that said, best advice I have is to embrace the 180s, GAL and be as pleasant as reasonably possible. Be upbeat and happy, look good when you see her, and focus on your kids. You can't convince her of anything right now so don't waste your efforts.
