Lots of questions and a good deal of doubt.

[mshaf]

I am still feeling more detached from my sitch.

With the rollercoaster ride of emotions over the past few months, I was left wondering yesterday if my sense of calm would be short lived.

I am not "done" with my M by any means. I have simply realized that I cannot continue to think about this everyday.

For my own sanity I have to start to move forward with my life.

I am going to continue to become a better person, better father. I will continue with my changes. Now I am starting to actually feel my changes are for me.

It feels good to have let go a little bit.

I am beginning to accept that what happens will happen and I will be ok.

[Mrs D]

Hey M - I posted something about seeing my Ex changing yesterday as well. Thanks for posting your reply. I dont get it. He was a different person.. seems hes taking more time up at the bars, hanging out with "her" friends. He was never a big drinker, and it surprises me he has made this move. His priorties have definately changed. Maybe it was because at one time that was the person I was and never included him? Does he feel hes making up time? Its funny - I see the person I was at one time in my life as the person he is now dating.

Im still hoping for success in reconciling our relationship even though I think it will take time, if at all. Keep your chin up and dont give up HOPE. BELIEVE you are doing all the right things for yourself and your kids. I know its hard. I struggle with it daily.

[Mrs D]

I need to get to that point as well - moving on and not worrying about my Ex. I have to place in my mind - it is what it is for now - you know?

HOPE and BELIEVE...

[mshaf]

Mrs. D,

For your sitch that fact that he is spending more times at bars can be very telling. There is a good chance that he is not happy in HIS current sitch either.

I don't know if this means anything for your R, though I find it strange that your H is changing his personality.

Take comfort in the fact that he is seeking an escape from his current sitch by going out. He is more than likely trying to keep his mind off something.

There is a difference between hanging out with friends every so often to catch the game and going on a more regular basis.

Changing your group of friend's and your habits for a relationship will not last. He will probably get tired of being someone he is not and move on. Maybe then you have a chance.

Thanks for your support Mrs. D. Keep doing things for yourself and you will get "there". I hope you are having a great day.

[Mrs D]

M - its what she likes to do. Shes young. Doesnt have kids. Shes still in the partying stage. And its possible that they arent going to the bars, but I know her. It would definately be my guess.

Im sorry you are going through everything thing that you are as well. Im not good with advice, but I know there are alot of people on here that are.

And I hope your day comes around as well.

[mshaf]

I started reading the 5LLs last night. I haven't finished it yet, so far it is a great guide.

I have wondered on how to respond once more open conversation started and now I feel as if I am gaining some new tools.

I think my W is a "quality time" person.

On that subject W called last night to talk. The conversation was not a long one, but very friendly. She asked if I would be off Wednesday to which I responded yes, and she reminded me our S3 has school at 9am.

When I ended the convo her tone of voice seemed a little sad.

Well, I sat down and thought about the 5LLs and if her love language is "quality time", should I try to open up conversation a little more instead of worrying about being the first to end convos.

I though maybe I should have let the phone call go on a little longer.

So I decided to do something that goes against a lot of the advice on this board. Before I went to bed I sent her a text that simply said "good night". This is something we used to do when we weren't together for the night.

I don't think this was pursuing, and to be honest I had no expectations about a response. I feel asleep shortly after I sent the text. I just wanted to try it out.

Woke up this morning to a response. She text back "Good night!".

I don't think I set myself back, and I have not started any more convo since last night. I will see her tonight when we do the kid exchange, so I can judge more then.

If her love language is "quality time", is it so bad to let her know that I am thinking about her from time to time? Maybe try to hang in the conovs a little longer?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[MrBond]

"I think my W is a "quality time" person."

Never guess. The 5LL only works when there's a reconciliation.

"When I ended the convo her tone of voice seemed a little sad."

Mindreading. You should stop that habit.

"Well, I sat down and thought about the 5LLs and if her love language is "quality time","

Which you aren't sure it is.

"should I try to open up conversation a little more instead of worrying about being the first to end convos."

Try a little at a time.

"I don't think this was pursuing,"

It was obviously pursuing and you needed to get a "fix" from her.

"If her love language is "quality time", is it so bad to let her know that I am thinking about her from time to time?"

Yes.

"Maybe try to hang in the conovs a little longer?"

Just move a little at a time. See how things go naturally.

[Mrs D]

Hey M - I have done that before, even though I dont always get a response. I think its a good idea to be honest. But I am also one that is having a hard time detaching, etc. I know in my sitch I was the one that didnt make time for him all the time, so I believe I should do that as a 180 of making him a priority. Although I dont think Im getting much of a response on that all the time either.

Maybe not every night - but occasionally to test the waters?

The 5LL book - good?

[MrBond]

So what's the latest update?

[mshaf]

Update:

I have avoided posting for a while because I couldn't take thinking about my sitch all day everyday. I have been checking in on everyone and gathering strength from how motivated everyone on here is.

There is no real improvement to speak off in my sitch. W and I have very little contact unless it relates to our kids.

We are basically in a holding pattern. Not moving closer to divorce as far as I can tell. Not moving towards R either.

She has mentioned things about a L contacting me, though she did it after I asked for the key to my apartment back. (I did not like the fact that she could come by when I wasn't home and use it as a place to get away. Also it wierded me out when I would get home and find things out of place.)

I also brought up to my W that I would like 50/50 time with kids. She did not seem happy with that suggestion. She mentioned she could not go a week without seeing our children. I told her I wouldn't expect that and she would be welcome to see them any time she wanted. She mentioned other reasons for not going to a 50/50 split (doesn’t think I would have enough time to take care of the kids, doesn’t think I have spent enough time with kids over the last few months, etc.), the only one that seemed legitimate was she thinks she would get "no child support" after a D with a 50/50 split (this was her first immediate objection).

I have let her know that a 50/50 split is my expectation and I will not settle for anything less unless ordered to do so.

Besides these couple things that is about it for change in my sitch. I have caught her a few lies about what she is doing when she drops the kids off and gives an expected time to come back to pick them up. Nothing new there though. I can't understand why she feels the need to lie. I don't care that much as to what she is doing.

I have found some strength in myself. I don't think about my sitch nearly as much as I used to. It definitely still crosses my mind but I try to push it out. I think that in this slightly better place that I am in I can begin to focus on my sitch more without it consuming me.

I have realized that I can't save my marriage but just maybe I can save myself. All I can do is continue to improve myself. What happens will happen.

This still S**KS btw.