Okay, this is take two. I had a great post written and somehow I wiped it out. Anyway, I know that I am new here, but I have learned some things over the past two and a half months that could be useful to others, so I thought I would share them. Since I am a man and dealing with my wife, that is how I will reference things but I think these things work equally well for women dealing with husbands as well.
1) Don't push them to make a decision: Oh how I wish I could go back a month and a half and tell myself not to say to my wife "I need you to decide what you want to do about our marriage." If I hadn't maybe I would not be typing this message at all, or maybe I would be doing it from my home instead of from my brother's living room. If your wife tells you that they don't know if they want to work to fix your marriage then at take comfort from the fact that at least they haven't decided to leave yet. Instead of trying to force them to make a decision see if they will talk to you about why they feel that way and if they do, great. Go and work on fixing the problems. If they don't accept that too and try and to be a better husband and show them more love.
2) Accept that you are to blame: No matter who you are, you have played some roll in your wife's unhappiness. It is a simple fact that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes. And lets be honest, in a relationship as close as husband and wife you are bound to step on toes from time to time. Don't get me wrong, you are not entirely to blame but you do bear some responsibility for what is happening in your life. Maybe it is not 50/50; maybe she had an affair and she is more to blame. Maybe, as in my case, your actions have made her feel scared and unloved and you are more to blame. (You can find my story here.) All that matters is that you recognize that you have played some role in your marriage reaching the point that it has.
3) In marriage you can't lead a horse to water: This is tough and it is something that I had to learn the hard way. If your wife is not ready to recognize her issues, then you telling her what they are is not going to help anything. And telling her that what you did is because of what she has been doing is even worse, believe me I made that mistake more than once. All you are going to do is make her feel backed into a corner and cause her to fight back. You can only deal with what is going on inside of you. Nobody except you wife can make her deal with what is going on inside of her. So just take a step back and focus on you first.
4) Act like everything thing is going to be okay: A lot of people will tell you to act like everything is okay, but I don't completely agree with that. If you are like my wife and I you have been pretending that it was okay for a while while things continued to build up between you. To me the secret is pretending that everything will be okay, because it will. Things may not turn out the way you want them to, but they will be okay. In the movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" there is a line that says "in India we have a saying. Everything will be alright in the end, so if it is not alright it is not yet the end." Live your life by that saying. This is a hard time, but it is not the end of the world. You and your wife may get back together again, especially if you can become the man that she has been looking for. And if not, life will go on. You may find someone else and you will be stronger and wiser for having gone through this. Or it could happen that your wife decides that she has made a mistake and the two of you get remarried. It happens all the time. Or you may decide you want to take some time and rediscover who you are. But in any case it will be okay in the end.
5)Find a higher power: This could be a little controversial I know, but I am a religious man and I have a strong faith in God the Father and in his son, The Savior Jesus Christ. However, even if you are someone who does not believe in the same deity as I do or someone who does not believe in any deity, you can still find a higher power in your life. That is because I look at a higher power more in terms of anything that causes us to move outside of our self and become more in tune with our fellow man. To me, even just offering a proverbial hand to someone who is struggling on this forum is a step in the right direction. But regardless of what it is, just find something that makes your life a little more meaningful and a little less self focused.
6) Get help: One of my biggest problems is that I thought I could solve all of my problems myself. To be honest, the big two reasons my wife filed for divorce were problems I recognized that I had but that I thought I did not need anyone else to help me solve. I was wrong about that and if you have reached the point where you are looking for answers on this forum then chances are you cannot solve your problems on your own either. There are a lot of great, helpful people here and you and I both would do well to listen to them. If you can afford it, seek professional help as well. More and more communities are encouraging or opening low cost mental health clinics. If those are not available perhaps your church community or a local charity group can provide those services to you. But what ever way you choose to go just find help from somebody.
7) Love your wife and be faithful to her: If you want to save your marriage and stop a divorce you have to love your wife. And you have to be willing to devote your whole soul to this process. Will it be hard? yes it will and there will be times when you want to just give up. But the only way that you are going to even have a shot at being successful is if you are 175% committed to making things work and you can't do that if you have already got one foot out the door yourself. There will be plenty of time for looking around and dating after the divorce is final and you have done everything that you can do. Don't let fear sabotage your attempts to repair what is the most important relationship in your life.
8) Be patient: This is my last bit of advice, be patient. You and your wife did not get to this place overnight and you will not get out of this place overnight. There are no easy answers or quick solutions. You are going to struggle, you are going to fall, and there are going to be setbacks. But I have heard of enough 11th hour rescues on this site that I feel safe in saying that as long as you are patient and do the best that you can your odds of success are good. Your wife will see that you are willing to fight for her and that will mean something to her. She may not reciprocate immediately but remember that this is just as hard on her as it is one you. You have to give her time and remember that even though she has filed for divorce doesn't mean that she has made up her mind, it just means that she felt at the time that there was no other way to deal with things.
So chin up, find a way to be happy, and soldier on. No matter what the outcome, better things are waiting for you on the other side of this trial. Our character is not determined by the struggles that we have in life, but how we deal with those struggles.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
I have not been able to get a copy of either yet. These are just things that I have learned from my own experience over the last few months. I imagine that not everyone who finds their way here has read the books.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Well continue to try getting the books asap or get a phone consult from the DB team.
Your #7, while it "sounds" good, shouldn't be taken as it's written. You need to let that part go in order to GAL and detach. Sometimes you have to get to the point where you leave before the spouse sees what they're missing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I disagree. I am not saying that you should not leave if that is what it takes, but why would you want to to try and save your marriage if you don't love your spouse? Detaching and GAL should not require that you stop loving your spouse. And when I talk about having one foot out the door, what I am referring to is getting involved romantically with someone else while still trying to DB with your spouse. That is not fair to anyone involved.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It was thoughtfully written. However it is important that it follows the DR and DB books. Many newcomers come on here and don't even realize there are any books.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
This is then a good conversation for newcomers to read. Let's help clarify #7 according to DB. Help me out, because I lent the book to my sister.
But I've detached fairly successfully from my H. His emotions are no longer my own. I am letting him go seek his happiness, trying not to take it personally, am working on my own sh!t, and am keeping the road paved in case he decides to follow it back to me. I've listened to cat04 and brookie and am loving my H through all of this. I love him for who he is and who we once were, and for the vows we took together.
It's hard to detach and it's hard to DB, but I think loving your spouse and staying faithful make a lot of sense for people new to DBing, so I didn't really see where this advice went counter to DB principles.
Every newcomer here is hopefully told right away to read the book and Sandi's rules, and this website even has chapter 1 of the book on it. I completely agree with the ideas behind DBing and would like to see more of the ideas that run counter to it challenged in these forums. This would help both newbies and those of us who've been around a while stay on track.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
