I agree with your mom. Go home to honor your grandmother. If your W chooses to go, that's her choice. Don't let that dirty the honoring of your grandmother.
It isn't just that... I just don't want to let my D4 and W down financially.. We need the money. I know we are separated, but I still want to be there for her. Especially since she is still looking for a job.
She still wants me to move out when I get home, so there is that financial obstacle as well...
I am sorry to hear of your grandma's passing. Take care of yourself.
This time will be between you and your family. What your W does or does not do is for her own reasons. Allow her that and do not judge her or have any expectations on what she does around this.
Your W needs space. You absolutely need to stop clinging and stop talking about your R with her. You will likely push her away and you might drive a wedge further between the two of you, making a positive outcome that much more difficult.
In the mean time, what other things did your W complain about, regarding you, other than not spending time with her?
When my W called I stayed distant.. I know if I start talking it will only lead to bad things. She just texted and said if I need to talk that she is available, our D4 is in bed and she is at home.
I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this with her right now. I know I will get emotional, and expect her to be my W and not a WAW...
While I agree with Bond that you should be there for your grandma's funeral, I do understand your wavering over the money.
If it is about the risk of bankruptcy, then stay fishing.
If it's about being financially uncomfortable for a year, well... you will have to weigh that in your own mind and then make your choice and DO NOT REGRET your choice...
If you think you would regret in the future that you were not there and you can survive the financial loss, then...
I am sorry to hear of your grandma's passing. Take care of yourself.
This time will be between you and your family. What your W does or does not do is for her own reasons. Allow her that and do not judge her or have any expectations on what she does around this.
Thanks for your condolences.
I don't want to judge her at all. I am not mad, or bitter... I am really just sad and hurt.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Your W needs space. You absolutely need to stop clinging and stop talking about your R with her. You will likely push her away and you might drive a wedge further between the two of you, making a positive outcome that much more difficult.
You are absolutely right. I have been a fool in this regard. Her mom and dad tell me the same thing. This is going to be my focus from here on out.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
In the mean time, what other things did your W complain about, regarding you, other than not spending time with her?
I didn't help out as much as I should have around the house. I always felt like she was nagging, or critical of me. So I withdrew. Pretty much the classic case that Michele talks about in DB and DR.
While I agree with Bond that you should be there for your grandma's funeral, I do understand your wavering over the money.
If it is about the risk of bankruptcy, then stay fishing.
If it's about being financially uncomfortable for a year, well... you will have to weigh that in your own mind and then make your choice and DO NOT REGRET your choice...
If you think you would regret in the future that you were not there and you can survive the financial loss, then...
I think you are absolutely correct. I think it will hurt more short term than long term... but I am worried about adding stress to my already rocky M.
I am really worried about being selfish here. I have been selfish A LOT in the past in our M.
I'm going to mention a "rule" we speak about here, known as the "48 hour rule".
The rule is about waiting 48 hours before responding to something from our spouses that isn't serious or a crises that needs immediate attention.
What this does is it helps us practice detaching. Meaning, we don't respond to something in the moment as a reaction. Rather, we take a moment to think about it before we respond... IF we respond...
Now mind you, your W opened the door for you to talk "if you need to". So it sounds like an open and honest invitation.
Many of us have been down that road and so we decide we need to talk and start dumping all our stuff at our spouses feet, which often leads to our spouse using that as a way to prove we are wrong, bad, etc and prove they are justified in leaving.
You COULD reply to her thanking her for the offer and that you really need time to be with your thoughts, at this time. That would be all. You are acknowledging that you received her "kind" offer and respectfully declining for now.
but I am worried about adding stress to my already rocky M.
I am really worried about being selfish here. I have been selfish A LOT in the past in our M.
In all fairness, this is about the death of a family member. One whom I am sure your W knows your close relationship with, regardless of her comments which may have been due to dementia.
Attending a funeral such as this IS selfish. Yet it doesn't mean you are a bad provider.
Also, remember that right now, your W is asking for space. This is very unlikely to be some "test" from her regarding your priorities. If it is... well, that is a daemon your W will have to deal with.
I'm going to mention a "rule" we speak about here, known as the "48 hour rule".
The rule is about waiting 48 hours before responding to something from our spouses that isn't serious or a crises that needs immediate attention.
What this does is it helps us practice detaching. Meaning, we don't respond to something in the moment as a reaction. Rather, we take a moment to think about it before we respond... IF we respond...
Now mind you, your W opened the door for you to talk "if you need to". So it sounds like an open and honest invitation.
Many of us have been down that road and so we decide we need to talk and start dumping all our stuff at our spouses feet, which often leads to our spouse using that as a way to prove we are wrong, bad, etc and prove they are justified in leaving.
You COULD reply to her thanking her for the offer and that you really need time to be with your thoughts, at this time. That would be all. You are acknowledging that you received her "kind" offer and respectfully declining for now.
Good advice... My FIL suggested that I stop contacting her at all for 2 weeks just to see how that goes. Then maybe just start talking small talk.
but I am worried about adding stress to my already rocky M.
I am really worried about being selfish here. I have been selfish A LOT in the past in our M.
In all fairness, this is about the death of a family member. One whom I am sure your W knows your close relationship with, regardless of her comments which may have been due to dementia.
Attending a funeral such as this IS selfish. Yet it doesn't mean you are a bad provider.
Also, remember that right now, your W is asking for space. This is very unlikely to be some "test" from her regarding your priorities. If it is... well, that is a daemon your W will have to deal with.
True.. I also honestly am scared to go home. She made it clear she isn't looking forward to it, and I know I have to move out. I'll admit, for the first time in my life, I am terrified. I used to play tough, and keep my emotions inside, but lately I can't even fake it.
However, I think I will go home for the funeral. I fish for her father, and he already said I could go if needed.
