So I was told that I should probably move over to piecing. I'm not sure how much that I will post here, but want to start a thread so that I have a place to come when I do feel the need. My entire story can be found here:
Basically... W left me 18+ months ago. Dated OM off and on during that time. Started to express an interest in reconciliation after about 2 1/2 months of no contact. We have gone back and forth between trying to piece it back together, and her dating OM for the past 16 months or so. It has been hell, but as you can see from my update below, things finally seem to be on the right track.
UPDATE
So when I last updated here, back in late March, my W and I were 'dating' and seemingly working towards reconciliation. A LOT has happened since then. From late October through early May, W and I hung out a lot. She expressed her desire to work things out, but could never fully commit to it. There was no physical R bc she felt awkward about it. She wouldn't commit to moving back into our home when her leased expired at the end of July because she didn't feel that it was the right time.
While we were good friends, there really was no romantic R. There was still a wall between us... a weird distance that I simply cannot describe very well.
So, after 6 months of this, I began to tire of it. There simply was no progress from early March through early May. In fact, in late April I could sense my W moving farther away, not closer. It blew up after we went to a concert on May 7th.
That night, after dropping her off at her rental house, I sat alone in my bed and decided that I was done. The next morning, I notified her that I was ready for a divorce. Within 4 days, I completed the paperwork, had it notarized, and gave it to her step father to get to her. I asked her to sign it herself and get it back to me so that i could file it.
At that time, she expressed shock that I was doing this, yet she told me that I was probably right. That she simply could not get herself over the hump so to speak. That she loved me, but was just not 'in love' with me. She didn't know how to change that and didn't know if that would ever change.
She told me that she wanted some time to talk to an attorney and that she would get back to me when she was ready to sign the paperwork. I was leaving town for a few days and we agreed to talk when I got back.
When I got back from my trip, I decided that I wanted to take some time to adjust to my decision and to 'just be' for a few weeks before filing. I did not call her as I told her I would. I received a couple of text messages from her regarding other things, but my responses were short and fairly apathetic.
For the next couple of weeks, I hung out with friends and began to slowly develop a plan for a life without my W and my M. I finally started to accept that my M was over, and began to see that I could have happiness without it.
At the end of May, she began to send me angry emails. She stated that she was now in a hurry to file for D. She was angry that I didn't want to rush to file the paperwork. I told her that I just wanted to enjoy my summer for a while before we started the process. She told me that she had seen an attorney and that she had signed and notarized the paperwork.
I simply ignored her angry emails.
Two more weeks passed.
On June 15th she began to initiate contact via texts with me again. At first her contact was about unrelated stuff. She was nice, but to the point. A day or so later, she sent me a text asking me why I rushed to decide that I wanted a D... that things were going 'well' between us and I all of a sudden decided that I wanted a D. She asked me if I had found someone else, an OW. I had not and explained that to her.
The contact escalated on Father's Day. She asked me if I wanted to meet up that day. I told her that it was not a good idea. We had a lengthy convo via text where she again expressed questions about why I had decided that D was the best thing. By the end of that convo, it was clear that it was not what she wanted.
A few days later, we had a telephone conversation. At that time, she indicated that me asking for a D had 'woken her up' to what she was doing. She talked about the things about herself that she has been working on in therapy. She told me that she had had an epiphany about what she wants for her life and what she doesn't want. She told me that she had taken steps, real steps, to make sure that OM would not contact her or SS anymore.
Later that week, still mid-June, she asked me if I wanted to meet her for a drink. I was at home. I told her 'no', but that she could come to the house to have a drink and talk if she liked. For the 6 months that we were 'dating', she would refuse to come to our home bc she said it didn't feel like her home anymore and that she felt 'weird' there.
This time I insisted that it was the only way that I would agree to see her.
She came over and we talked for 3 or 4 hours. She talked more about her 'epiphany', work with her therapist, and the effect that me asking for a D had had on her. She asked me if I was still willing to work on our M. She told me that she was now fully committed. I told her that I was, but only if she was willing to put down her walls. I told her that I was absolutely DONE with OM being her or step son's life at all. That I would no longer be nice about it. That if she would not take care of it, that I would. She said that she understood completely and that she agreed.
So we agreed to give it another shot.
At the same time, she had signed another lease for a new place to live. About 5 minutes from our house. It was a 12 month lease. She still stated that she didn't think it was the right time for her to move back into the house.
A couple of nights later, she came back to the house and we hung out again. This time she stayed and spent the night in our bed. It was the first time that she had slept in our bed in over 18 months. Nothing happened physically other than some cuddling.
The next night we went out with some friends of her's and she stayed again. We were a little tipsy and for the first time in almost 2 years, we made love. This right around June 20 or so.
She has spent every night at the house since.
In early July, she asked me how I felt about her moving back into the house. I told her that I was good with it. That if we were going to make the leap, that it did not matter if it was now or 12 months from now. That the work was going to be the same. Later that week, she broke her new lease. And last Thursday, we spent an entire day moving all of her stuff back into the house.
The most important thing with all of this is that she has had a complete 180 with her attitude towards me and our M. She grabs for my hand at night. She wants me to be close to her in bed and to cuddle with her. She tells me that she loves me. I don't sense the distance or that wall AT ALL. We've even had two pretty significant disagreements. In one, I got upset bc the topic had turned to her R with OM, she grabbed my hand as I tried to leave the room and asked me to stay and talk to her. The convo got rough as I expressed to her how badly her R with OM had hurt me. I broke down. She put her arms around me and told me that she was sorry that she had hurt me. She told me that she loved me, that even when things had been rough with us over the past 18 months, that she had always hoped that we would find our way back to each other again. She promised me that she was committed to us and asked that we start over from now.
So, it has been almost a month since W and I started to talk again after about 5 weeks of no contact and being on the doorstep of D.
I can honestly say that things have NEVER been better between us... emotionally, intellectually, and physically.
Now the hard part... making it last.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Congrats! Piecing is hard work, but so worth it if you both want it. Expect some setbacks, though. Not to dampen anything, but are you sure OM is completely out of the picture? How do you know? This is a sensitive area for me because my H came back home and things were great, and then he resumed contact with OW and rekindled the affair. I was ready to walk away at that point, and that is when he REALLY ended it and there was actual proof that he had done so.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
I am confident that my W has ended it. That actually occurred about 6 months ago, but he lingered around until about a month ago. She was very clear with him this time. Blocked him on FB (although he did try to friend me last week LOL) and blocked his number on our cell phone plan. I've heard it before, but I sense a real difference when we talk about it. I could still be wrong, I know, but are there ever any real guarantees? She does know that if she resumes any real contact with him, that I am done and will file. There is no gray area anymore with me. I've made that very, very clear to her.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I've had a read of your situation. In my mind you have done everything absolutely right. Congratulations on taking a very strong stand and having the mojo to back it up. It's no accident that sex has resumed - this behavior is attractive for women. When my wife came back we were also at it several times per day.
Expect to be overcome with waves of extreme bitterness, anger and hatred towards your wife for the Hell you have been through. You'll find the extremes of emotions will subside with time providing you are enjoying each other.
Wishing you every success,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Expect to be overcome with waves of extreme bitterness, anger and hatred towards your wife for the Hell you have been through. You'll find the extremes of emotions will subside with time providing you are enjoying each other.
I saw this in a previous thread you wrote, possibly over a year ago (the bold and underlined bits are mine):
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I did not defend my W when my family criticized her about an issue that I will not go into here. I told my W that she needed to just get over it. I yelled at my W. I showed my W anger. I threatened her with financial superiority and control. I did not spend time with my W and/or my SS. I did not communicate to her. I did not tell her that I cared what was going on in her life. She told me numerous times that she was 'lonely'. I did not care. I thought my W was spoiled bc I provided for her.
I did not respect my W. I did not live up to my marriage vows. I sat and slept on the couch, watching t.v., expecting that things would fix themselves. Literally convincing myself that I did not care if my W left or stayed.
For 7+ years my W loved me despite my failings, despite my flaws, and despite how I made her feel that she was not good enough for me. She was faithful to me during all of that time. Despite everything.
My W had threatened to leave me a few times, and I always called her bluff. I honestly never thought that she never would. I thought that she needed me. I did NOT believe that I needed her.
My word Brother, I could have written this. In fact I think I did.
I was this man - in fact I wasn't worthy of the title of "man". I was a very nasty piece of work. I said and did virtually all of the things you mention and I absolutely deserved for my wife to leave me. I shouted at my wife, used the worst words in the English language to namecall her to her face, grabbed her in the middle of the street when we fought etc. I used to love conflict. How utterly depraved and twisted is that?
I had a troublesome childhood and some abandonment issues and I was one of these "my way or the highway" types. I was an island and "didn't need anyone" etc. My wife and I had separate finances until relatively recently; this was how my own controlling and authoritarian Dad treated my Mum and I became him.
When I read stuff like this I become really ashamed of the man I used to be, but shame is a good thing. It helps to prevent us repeating similar errors of the past, especially if we have conditioned ourselves with new responses to old triggers.
It also reminds me of how much I really do love my wife and my two children.
Please forgive your wife. It will be tough Denver, and it will a process, not an event. Waves of extreme hatred, bitterness and resentment will come and you'll want to rehash everything.
Don't.
Affairs act like a drug in the cheater's blood and the putrid chemicals that infect their brains render them incapable of empathy, sound judgement, rational thought and all the best attributes of being a human being. These faculties are "switched off" - often for a couple of years.
It sounds to me like you have a really good shot at this. Please also address the issues that made you into an angry, bitter and cruel man to begin with - make peace with anything from the past that has tormented you all this time.
Enjoy her as much as you can and if you want any other info or sources I used to lead me out of the horrible abyss I found myself in, let me know.
All the best,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I am confident that my W has ended it. That actually occurred about 6 months ago, but he lingered around until about a month ago. She was very clear with him this time. Blocked him on FB (although he did try to friend me last week LOL) and blocked his number on our cell phone plan. I've heard it before, but I sense a real difference when we talk about it. I could still be wrong, I know, but are there ever any real guarantees? She does know that if she resumes any real contact with him, that I am done and will file. There is no gray area anymore with me. I've made that very, very clear to her.
Those real guarantees come with time and the rebuilding of trust.
Six years later? That last time I looked at my wife's phone...was a year ago? I don't know, I know I did, I know that I look forward to saying the last time I looked was over two years ago.
Understand that the loser OM that you have described, and we have talked about will likely try and keep trying to contact her. Not...her contacting him, but him trying to contact her.
Try not to get upset about that. Barring her putting him down with a bullet, it takes a stalker about two years on average(research on the internet) to find a new fixation. She should be telling you when he does try to get ahold of her. BUT very important here, based upon YOUR reaction to this news will aslo determine if she keeps telling you.
Imagine if you get upset, visibly, and/or more importantly at her for this douche bag trying to get in touch with her. While she is being honest and open and living up to what you want her to do, what is her reward if you get upset?
Think about it. The next time he trys to contact her why would she want you to get upset or worst case mad at her? And if she doesn't tell you and you find out?
We talked about pitfalls? That was one I got stuck in.
So be careful of YOUR reaction to her honesty about something she has no control over.
This guy is a douche bag, with douch bag tactics...do not let this loser impeded you and your wife reconcilling.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack and GH, both of these posts are awesome, so many of us need to hear these things and im glad you posted them here.
Denver, its awesome to hear the stories of those who get their spouse back. Although I know we're supposed to be ok either way, I dont think anyone would be at this particular site if it wasn't for the fact that they wanted to save their marriage. Good for you and keep working and let us know what works and doesn't once piecing starts cause im hopeful to get to that stage one day.
