You did suffer 9 years of abuse. Always keep that in context with how your feeling. You could be suffering from Acute Stress Disorder or even Post traumatic stress disorder. Have you talked about this with your IC.
It is well documented that people who have suffered abuse such as yours will experience ASD or PTSD.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I don't know where I am in the grieving process....it changes by the minute. Don't get me wrong, its not so much him I want back, but rather its the security of knowing that someone cares, and wants you.
Right now there many things beyond my control...I'm still looking for another teaching job, and that has me scared witless. My mother had a heart attack last Friday, and the list goes on and on....I feel alone, defeated, and worthless. Logically I know these things are not correct, but my heart tells me differently.
I realize now that the GAL activities I was doing before were designed to make him notice me...I also realize I am very far gone and need a lot of help. I am seeing a new Phy next week that has the power to prescribe some meds. Its beyond time I get some help to curb the anxiety.
I will never understand how someone you trusted and loved since you were 17 could treat you so horribly and move on so quickly with someone new and think its okay....he has left behind a train wreck, and never even looked back at the carnage.
Hang in there. I know it's hard to see right now, but things will get better. You are having some good insights into the GAL and the new meds will likely help. Just breathe for now and try to take one moment at a time.
I'm so sorry for your pain right now. Hugs to you!!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I don't know where I am in the grieving process....it changes by the minute. Don't get me wrong, its not so much him I want back, but rather its the security of knowing that someone cares, and wants you.
this^^ is very telling. If it's true, then really think hard about working on a recon w/HIM b/c it sounds way more like you want "someone", in your life. You sound lonely too. That never helps us see clearly.
Right now there many things beyond my control...I'm still looking for another teaching job, and that has me scared witless. My mother had a heart attack last Friday, and the list goes on and on....I feel alone, defeated, and worthless. Logically I know these things are not correct, but my heart tells me differently.
Keep at it. I think "where the head goes, the heart will follow...if we let it."
KNOW you are a good person and fun to be with, and you will be and at some level it'll sink in emotionally. I hope your job search improves. Mine is very frustrating and it DOES affect our outlook when we are not working for money.
I have to remind myself that I did not create the lousy economy but I do have to deal with it as it is.
I realize now that the GAL activities I was doing before were designed to make him notice me.. Great insight!!^^^ True GAL is for YOU. We hammer it so much, b/c it works.
.I also realize I am very far gone and need a lot of help. I am seeing a new Phy next week that has the power to prescribe some meds. Its beyond time I get some help to curb the anxiety. Been there, done that. Good for you! Help heal yourself by getting help.
I will never understand how someone you trusted and loved since you were 17 could treat you so horribly and move on so quickly with someone new and think its okay.. not sure what he "thinks" is okay. He may well avoid considering it as much as possible precisely b/c he knows it's not okay. I don't recall your whole situation or what you felt you needed to work on in you,
but try not to mind read here. It serves no good purpose. Have no expecations of him-sure...but that also means have no negative ones either.
We cannot know what they feel or how long they felt bad before they left, if that's the case. And we do not benefit from guesswork. It's truly counter productive.
..he has left behind a train wreck, and never even looked back at the carnage.
April...
first off, you are not a train wreck. Soon, you'll see that more clearly. More of this is within your control (ie how you feel about YOU) than you realize at this moment.
You've had a rough few weeks in a lousy underlying situation. I am glad you'll see a new doctor and get some help with the anxiety and depression I sense.
But detach for a minute...can you see how he would NOT want to look at the carnage?
Whether he caused it, thinks he caused it or blames you for it, it's not attractive to look at.
So he'll avoid that.
So when you do interact, it's crucial that you do NOT present as a train wreck,
no matter how much of one you feel like.
Believe in your inner goodness and worth and reflect that back to the world.
It does get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You have given me much to think about.....and I will. I am very lonely, and it does not help the situation.
This will sound crazy but I do believe in time we will find our way back. This shake up was needed. I know it is for me. I do have issues that I need to work on. You are right...it is past time to wake up and get off the pity train. I just need to find a way to start...
