Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Bug - 9600 - Busting,

Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

I not really in a good place right now. Moving forward is difficult. If it were not for our S I think I would be in much worse shape. I do hug him every day. I went back and re-read the list I wrote about keeping the road home paved and smooth. I having trouble with the self respect. Forgiveness and compassion and hard to find.

How do I be the better choice? I'm finding it hard to find happiness, especially around him. I just have sadness, happiness I show my son seems forced. I do have flashes but nothing lasting right now.

Busting - Thanks for the lesson in compassion. I'm trying, I really am. He really isn't the man I fell in love with, the OW has that man right now I guess. I guess he is in crisis, but does he know it? He doesn't or won't admit it. He definitely knows he is angry.

[lillystillinlove]

Been doing a lot of thinking and crying.

It seems I've been looking at this "believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do" all wrong. I was only applying that rule to the stuff that hurts not the things that give me hope. I need to apply it to everything.

Our MC called yesterday because he forgot we cancelled and we talked about the situation the past week and the limited information provided by the OW's H. How I believe that they are, if not physically together, in contact and making plans for the future. My gut tells me they are involved in a physical affair, but the OW's H and I have no proof.

I get that he is in crisis, that he needs time and space. Well, he's got it.

I will not do anything to damage a potential future we may have, but I'm done believing it will happen. I can't allow my heart to get pounded time after time. I will look at everything he says or does through the lens of he and the OW trying to be together with as little friction as possible. I won't allow myself to be treated poorly. I no longer accept he is better at being a parent than I am. It is not my responsibility to assist the relationship he and our son have. I will not contact him. I can't take the heartache and disappointment any more.

The man I love is no where in sight. The man I love would not be so mean and nasty with such purpose. The man I love would not allow what could be extremely damaging to our S to happen. If I or anyone else set out with such a vengeance to hurt him, even indirectly, he would crash their world in around them.

I know what I put him through was wrong and caused him a lot of pain but none of it was done on purpose. I could and probably still can forgive a lot of what has happened, especially the stuff before I was told. Everything after that is seeming harder and harder to forgive. Why won't he just end it and be done with me, let me go so I can start to heal. Does he want to be able to say to our S, she's (me) the one that asked for a D and pursued it. If that is the case why be so secretive? Why continue MC? Why say things that make it seem like our family is still an option for him? S is going to find out about the OW eventually or is that another bad guys act he doesn't want to own up to or want S to know?

When I ask those question I start to convince myself he's not with her, he wants to try but is still angry, he would have filed for divorce already is he didn't love me and really loved the OW. I can't allow myself to think like that anymore.

How I plan to live my life:

1. Leave the way home smooth and paves. (no lights yet)
2. Go as dark as I possibly can. (S's needs come first)
3. Believe nothing he says and 50% of what he does good and bad.
4. Any calls that come to the house or my cells for him direct the caller to contact him on his cell, do not pass along messages.
5. Be kind (maybe just civil for now), listen, and silent.
6. I will hug my child when I think he needs it or wants it regardless of the situation.