LA, I love the guy and regardless of our past, I want our marriage to work. In my mind I have to do all this DR stuff to better myself but still not damage what we have right now. If it doesn't work out for us, I don't want it to be for something I did or didn't do now. If we do split I don't want to be in a situation where we, as co-parents, remain bitter and nasty and hurt our son even more.
I totally get this and think it's a great goal. It's similar to mine when I started. By the way, you should write that out and post it somewhere so you can remember where you're headed.
Keeping the road home paved and smooth...what does that mean to you?
Hope you enjoy your weekend
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
LA, That is a great idea. I will put it somewhere I can see it everyday. Thanks
What does "keeping the road home paved and smooth" mean to me.
1. Continue to work toward forgiveness. By doing this I become a better person and open my heart to what may come. 2. Allow him to work through his struggle without "pushing" and on his timeline. 3. Allow him to approach me without expectations or judgement. 4. Continue to GAL. Make the changes I need to make for my mental, emotional, and physical health. This will not only make me happier but my S will be happier too. If H comes back he will (me too) prefer the improved me and if he doesn't I need to be healthy and sane for our S. Either way everyone is happy because S will be happy. (how does that saying go? If mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy ) 5. Continue to become a better mother to our S. 6. As appropriate, let H know that I am open and available to him when he's ready to try. 7. Keep H in mind when I make decisions that could effect him. 8. Respect his point of view on matters. 9. First do no harm. 10.Maintain self respect (I can't truly love if I don't like who I am and he can't love me if he doesn't respect me.) 11.Continue to respect my marriage vows. 12.Laugh more around him. 13.Work toward trust
I guess what I think it means to be is available to reconcile, don't do anything to jeopardize a reconciliation (as in having an A or hurt him purposely), continue to improve myself and my life, forgive, find happiness and joy, and love him enough let him travel his path regardless of the outcome.
This may sound a bit H-centric but the goal here for me is to reconcile, improve our relationship and save our family.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
I'm having a hard day. This has happened a couple of times. I get an overwhelming sense of sadness and anxiety. I cry and have a hard time pulling myself out of it. I think about H being out of the house, is he trying to work things out or is he just living life and avoiding. Most times when I interact with him face to face or on the phone he ends up angry about something. I don't know how to resolve this problem. Any move I make seems to be the wrong one. How do I figure this out?
H was here for dinner, finishing some homework and bedtime. He was stressed and easily set off. The whole afternoon was set off on the wrong foot. He asked what time our S's TKD belt ceremony was, I texted him with the time and assumed he would be there. He said k I'm headed to the car. I thought nothing of it and assumed I would see him. When he didn't make for the beginning I sent him a picture of him putting on his new belt. I received a call and he was angry that I didn't call him and tell him it had started. I know, and believe me when I say I know, that if I called he would have caught attitude with me reminding him. He was a crank from that point on. He was irritated at our S6 about getting HW done, mad at me for not chiming in and backing him up, mad about out 14yo dog that is in bad shape (demodex that is out of control right now, broken ACL so she's unstable on her feet, arthritis) meanwhile he hasn't lifted a finger to assist with her care. How do I combat anger and attitude. In the middle of all this there was a sweet exchange between all of us. H&S were comparing biceps (daddy has great ones), well S wanted to see mine so I came over and flexed. H was impressed and even touched me to see how hard/big it was.
So I get confused. Is he mad at himself and taking it out on me? Am I the punching bag right now? Do I ask him to ask me the questions he actually want answered instead assuming I will just know what he wants to know and answer appropriately? I did stand up for myself and he backed down but I don't want our interactions to be like that. How do I figure this out? Do I bring it up in MC? The problem there is that he already feels attacked in there. I feel stuck. Do I write him an email? Do I just let it be?
Per my previous posts I'm trying to do as little damage as possible. I just can't figure out, in these situations, to do that.
You know, I think maybe all my anxiety today is coming from the potential this weekend has. Seeing the OW's H and 2 of our very close friends. I'm nervous about coming home and answering questions. I already know my H thinks the OW's H is out for some type of revenge. He'll want to know what was said. IF I am successful in not engaging in conversation (I'm sure I won't be but one can hope) H won't believe me. If there was discussion and H wants information, I'm the one that gets the brunt of the anger. ****SIGH****
What was on my packing list again? Tight rope, 4inch stilettos and big girl panties. Okay packing now.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
When he snaps back at you like that, then tell him that you have been very accomodating to him and that you don't appreciate being talked to in that manner. You don't need to be rude about it, just tell him straight forward.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Things went ok until today. I knew I should have avoided having a conversation with the OW's H. I just don't know what to think. He is convinced H and the OW are still involved. He says he has proof and has offered to share it. He said the weekend H moved out and was barely heard from the OW's whereabouts were unknown.
I just want to scream. I don't know what to think. Just when I think I or convinced myself he's being truthful something like this happens. I really don't know what to do. I'm just angry right now and sad and heartbroken. I feel like just giving up, being done with it all. No discussions. The impression I got was that the OW's H believes they are having a PA. No proof just circumstantial "evidence". He has snooped. He knows they are still in contact. I hate this. How is their happiness more important that our children's happiness. What ever happened to doing the right thing.
If anyone has been in a similar situation do you have any advice?
I'm am sick to my stomach and my head is pounding...
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
How much worse can this get? I mean really? Our 14 year old dog died last night. I don't know how much more I can take. 2 grandmothers passed away, my marriage is on life support, and our girl died. What is going on? This is the worst 18 months of my life. All this pain and I am in desperate need of love and comfort without hope in sight. How do I keep going? I just want his arms around me, I want to hear him say he loves me, I want him to come home. When will this end?
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
Why am I so willing to believe him. To trust him when he says the phone isn't his or that he won't date or see anyone during this time. That he's not in contact with her. I caught myself just now thinking, "well you really don't have proof" but what else could it be. It's not 100%, I'm suspicious and it takes time for me to believing him more than not, but I always do. Why am I afraid to ask for the proof of communication the OW's H has. How many more times can I let my heart be broken. How many more times can I believe him. Why is it so hard for me to believe he is capable of this evil? How can I still love him and want to be with him? Is there something wrong with me? I know it's not all for our S, but I know that if it were not for our S, I would have left. I would be having all the same feelings but I would have left. How pathetic am I?
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
you are not pathetic at all. we all go through this dilemma and its this that helps up dig deeper to really understand why and how long we can stand. try and understand where the fear is coming from and what you fear? knowing or the unknown?
the H you still love is probably not capable of this pain. but this is an h in crisis, an h that is angry.
thinking of you today....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
)