Agreed and thanks again. I respond at different rates depending what I am doing at work, so there is no typical response. If I am not in a meeting or something it usually gets back quickly, so more often than not I'm back to her within a few minutes.
I'll send her a response similar to what you suggested above before I leave. That should be a good time frame and she knows that I'll be on the road and can't text after that too.
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
So I'm thinking there should be some FAQ's as a sticky on this site, because I'm seeing a few questions that might come my way and I'm wondering the best way to handle. I realize every sitch is different so answers would still vary, but as subtle as we can all be once the 180 train starts it's bound to draw notice.
So how about questions like:
So why won't you talk to me lately - so seem so distant?
Why have you been ignoring me lately?
What's with all the new stuff you're getting into? Why?
Those are just a few, but I bet there's a bunch. I almost stumbled with the "I miss talking to you" text today. With these questions, one can't really say "well, I'm applying a technique I read about whereby if I detach from you you'll miss me and realize that you still have a connection...."
So for the "why don't you talk to me" or "why are you so distant" what would be good? I'm thinking along the lines of "I'm giving you space so you can think clearly" or perhaps "I just have a lot of things going on now". I'm such a noob with this, but I can see it coming up. What is the proper method here in a general sense?
Any other FAQ's I should be wary for?
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
By way of update, my wife has been really stressing yesterday and this morning. She finally told me that she just can't think about our situation because it's too much and said she won't be going with me to our scheduled MC appointment.
Guess I'll go alone, but at this stage she's really the one who needs to have someone help organize these thoughts that are so confusing and stressing to her.
I'm not going to push or insist. Does this spell pretty much the end or should I write it off to a temporary high-stress situation? Should I try harder to get her in to speak with someone? I'm happy to have her speak with someone alone - in fact that might be the best of all.
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
By way of update, my wife has been really stressing yesterday and this morning. She finally told me that she just can't think about our situation because it's too much and said she won't be going with me to our scheduled MC appointment.
Guess I'll go alone, but at this stage she's really the one who needs to have someone help organize these thoughts that are so confusing and stressing to her.
I'm not going to push or insist. Does this spell pretty much the end or should I write it off to a temporary high-stress situation? Should I try harder to get her in to speak with someone? I'm happy to have her speak with someone alone - in fact that might be the best of all.
Looks like we cross posted.
I would suggest you try harder to leave her alone.
Do not add any more pressure to the sich than you already are.
I definatly cross posted, pesky job that pays the bills, keeps getting in the way. FWIW.
Kevd, Rather than provide verbiage that may not be applicable can you consider thinking about this a different way?
IMO DB is not a tactic or a series of tactics to attract your spouse back. There is a toolkit used and each situation is different. So each tool has different applications
This is a life change that increases your attractiveness. You find things to do that make you happy, that keep you engaged, that make you a better person, that boost your confidence, that challenge you. Make it real
You, happy, engaged, confident accomplishing challenging, honorable activities is attractive. Make it real
You’re not ignoring her.
You are that busy. While you are interacting, she is your focus. While you are in MC or otherwise working on the R it is the focus.
You are not needy, clinging to the hope of reconciliation.
Your old relationship is done, you are done with it. You have/are working toward this new life you’re happy with. You’d like her to be part of that, but that is her choice and something she needs to commit to and work for.
Keep in mind not every marriage is saved, not every divorce busts. Mine was not/did not. I am increasingly becoming satisfied with my life, the relationships that survived and the new ones growing.
So considered from that perspective can you think how you’d respond if she poses one of your questions?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Looking for envelopes by wife's desk and found divorce papers. She has not officially filed - just printed out the forms (with our names on it) and it has her lawyer information with some notes about different methods to go about things.
Of late, my wife has been saying while she's confused she still tells me that she wants to work on things. These papers were dated July 9th - which is about a week ago from this post.
Part of me wants to confront her to see if she had planned to serve me all along while her guilt or shame or whatever was telling me there was still a chance. It's 1:30 am and she took the kids to the shore alone (which was great and my suggestion) for a few days. I almost sent her a text to see if that would wake her up, but my cooler side is prevailing.
Am I being naive to think that she just printed the papers and consulted a lawyer for the sake of covering her bases in case we don't work out? Should I just keep this information to myself and continue on with detachment and getting my own life in order rather than confronting? Of course, I'll have to consult a lawyer now and probably should have done so sooner.
It was very painful to see these papers - like a knife in the heart. I have been having a hard time lately staying upbeat all the time, and this is just going to make things so much harder.
Please let me know your thoughts everyone.
And, if possible, the title of this thread must relate to the fact that I tried to post in the vets and newbies thread to get advice there. Might the title be changed to something like "Confused WAW or MLC"? I am hoping to get as much advice as possible.
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
Part of me wants to confront her to see if she had planned to serve me all along while her guilt or shame or whatever was telling me there was still a chance.
Do not confront her, that will just push her further away. You need LRT.
DIVORCE = SPACE
Give her as much as possible.
I changed the title of this post as you can see You have the option to change each post's title. So you can do as you choose.
"Am I being naive to think that she just printed the papers and consulted a lawyer for the sake of covering her bases in case we don't work out? Should I just keep this information to myself and continue on with detachment and getting my own life in order rather than confronting? Of course, I'll have to consult a lawyer now and probably should have done so sooner."
Before I went LRT with my W, I had all my papers printed out and ready to file. All I had to do was take it to the courts, pay the money and have the W served. I filled the papers out because I was hurt and angry. If I didn't calm down and tell the W how I felt at that time, I could have easily filed and who knows where I would be right now.
I told my W I was going to file in May, but I don't think she knows that all the paperwork is already filled out. There is no reason to tell her this. It would put her on the defensive.
Continue to detach. That is for you.
How do you think a D would play out? Amicable D or a fight? If you think it is going to be a fight, then consulting a lawyer would be smart.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I would like to think an actual divorce would be relatively amicable, but I think a lot of people have gone into the process thinking that before. I think it might be best to consult a lawyer in any case - at least a consult of some sort.
Sadly, things seemed to be picking up of the past several days. She keeps saying that she still wants to work on things, and she has been more expressive and even affectionate. Perhaps that the 'cake and eat it too' syndrome or just her guilt, but I had hopes.
Why would she seem so improved when just a week ago she put all of the paperwork together?
Seeing my name on the paperwork as defendant in the situation was like putting a knife in my heart.
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
