In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

[breakdownbill]

Need to start a new thread... here's the links to my previous threads

I didn't see it coming part 1

I didn't see it coming part 2

I really needed to start a new thread because I feel like some events have passed & that I need a new focus & a re-evaluation of my sitch.

After the bomb[s], we agreed on a Relationship talk ceasefire until after my degree was finished in May. We both stuck to that
& after my degree finished neither of us brought it up.

we had a family holiday booked for 2 weeks in Florida - we went on it as a family - still no relationship talk.

Been back 5 days - still no relationship talk.

It doesn't feel like we are together & yet it doesn't feel like we are separated (at least it doesn't for me).

I have no idea whether my wifes EA / PA is over as she still dances with him.

I do feel a lot of resentment still from my W, particularly towards my family (she still won't see them - been nearly 3 months). When I've invited my W to go to things, for instance a party next month for my graduation - she says no instantly, so I don't think she wants to or is ready to do something with just me, like even go out for coffee.

I guess I feel really in limbo as to where I am right now & want to get some direction & re-jig my personal goals.

I've ordered the No More Mr Nice Guy book, I think that will be a big help, because I really do start need to put me first for a change in lots of situations.

I'd just love some advice right now as to how others have dealt with this limbo & no relationship talk, how to look for & read signs better.

I'm going to re-read DR & try & get some new goals in the meantime.

Bill

[scaredsilly]

why does your wife have resentment towards your family? i'm asking because i have some towards my H's family and wondering how it would be handled should we R.
tks

[breakdownbill]

Hi SS

My W has got so many issues with my family, they are far from perfect just like anyone's family. The main issue is and has always been how my Mum & Dad treat my sisters kids like their own and our 2 kids well not the same to be polite.

here's a quick summary why my wife has beef with my family...

When our 1st child was born my family were all on holiday - my first week of being a dad was on my own. Wheras my Mum deliberately never went on holiday within 3 months of my sister having her kids and openly said she couldn't miss it.

My mum used to have my sisters kids 3 days a week & would baby sit for my sister every Saturday. We only ever see my Mum on a Sunday if we go to their house. If we asked them to baby sit (when MIL couldn't - she wouldn't have the kids overnight & would want us back by midnight (no point in going out, we usually don't go out until about 10 - as everywhere stays open 'til 5am)

We invited them to come away with us to Florida - all together. when my sister said she couldn't afford to go when we wanted to go, they booked their holiday & then told us we've booked to go with my sister & her kids in October instead.

Loads of things really, which annoy me about my family & I've had it out with my Mum before, but it doesn't change anything - things are the way they are. I never married into my own family, I'm stuck with them and I love them for all their flaws.

When we'd go round every sunday for 5 hours, it would be non stop noise - everyone talks over each other & non-stop food. It caused so many arguments between me & my wife, when I hated going round there just as much as she did.

I don't go around every Sunday now, maybe once a month with just the kids.

I never used to validate my wife when she would complain & argue about my family, I would go quiet & get annoyed, because I was conflicted & I used to be like, 'I haven't done anything, why are you shouting at me'.

So I can see why she resents them so much, I'm working on my validation to her complaints of my family, but it's tough.

Does / Did your H ever validate your complaints about his family?

I'm learning that unanswered complaints or unresolved issues over a long period of time build and build more resentment.

Bill

[scaredsilly]

thanks, bill.
he never really validated my complaints about his daughter. to him, she's still his little girl (22) and he has to protect her.

i never really had a lot of resentment towards his family until the bomb. since then (and it's been 7 months) i haven't heard a word from any of them. maybe my expectations are unrealistic but i have done so much for his mother, sisters, kids, and other relatives. they always said i was family.

family members call and ask how you are. i'm afraid to call them because i don't know what he's told them.

from what you describe, i can understand how your W would be overwhelmed by your family's actions.

my mother was the same way with my sister's daughter and my son. however, my sister had all kinds of "strings" attached to that arrangement and i didn't so in a way, it was better not to have her so involved.

if my H and i R, i will want much smaller doses of his family. i hope you're validating her feelings, even though you have a loyalty towards your family? it helps a lot.

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Bill,

We all have so much to learn in this life. And, it looks like you are! When you said that you didn't validate your wife's feelings, oh boy - I so know how that feels!!!

My H used to do the same when I complained about his mother. Like, why would she have us stay at a hotel when her entire house was free? She is strange about certain things and I've had to learn to just accept that. She has two bedrooms, and they are full of antique dolls and she won't move them. Fair enough - but the dolls are more human to her than humans are!! Oh, don't get me started.

However, it seemed that I couldn't complain it about either and that's just no good. You are seeing that when we complain, often times we need to just get it out of our systems and as long as you don't argue against it, then she will feel heard. But, it's also a shift in attitude. Yes, I know they are your family and so forth, but it's a good idea to see your W as your primary family and other family comes second because she is your teammate. I sometimes wonder if my own H is ever gonna get that.

Anyway, about the need for goal setting...I must say that it isn't very clear in DB what the next steps should be. So, you've managed to put on the breaks and have successfully stopped a divorce. I was kind of stumped myself as to what the next steps were. In the end, I'm feeling my way through it.

What I'm finding is that there isn't a whole lot of R talk either - but there still is a lot of talk about the past and his resentments. I'm learning to validate him as much as possible, and learning slowly to validating my own self as well in this process.

I think you will know when you know.

If you are still unsure about where she stands with the OM, well, you are still in limbo land for sure. But, what is going to make it change?

I've been thinking about that myself, which is why I just came to realise that self-acceptance is where its at. Also, time might just take care of things for you.

Maybe start showing some boredom - if that is how you feel - less interest. You might want to verbally hint at your desire to have more fun in your life and experience more interesting things to do. In fact, you might just say that directly - again no nastiness or anything.

[breakdownbill]

family members call and ask how you are. i'm afraid to call them because i don't know what he's told them.

I think you've hit the nail on the head as to why my W won't go round & see my parents anymore. I think it's a front in some part to avoid the shame of cheating. Thing is it is only my other sister that knows most of what happened & I know she won't have told them anything.

The validation of your W complaining in a bitter and condescending way about your Mum, is a balancing act. I might agree with half of what she says and try to show her that I understand how she feels, but I'm not about to start joining in. I sometimes wonder if that's what my W needs to hear from me, me saying lots of things about my Mum, for her to feel validated. Well if it is, I'm not doing it.

maybe my expectations are unrealistic but i have done so much for his mother, sisters, kids, and other relatives. they always said i was family.

I can totally understand why you'd feel like this and why you don't feel like family in this situation. I think this is a totally normal reaction on both parts, his family & how you feel.

if my H and i R, i will want much smaller doses of his family.

This is exactly how my W feels & ironically it's how I feel anyway. I've been seeing my family less and less, without my W, so I guess it's an action that she can see that things are different there & that we would see them less if we R.

Thanks SS - that helped me a lot.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

She is strange about certain things and I've had to learn to just accept that. She has two bedrooms, and they are full of antique dolls and she won't move them. Fair enough - but the dolls are more human to her than humans are!!

I know everyone has their weird little thing that keeps them happy - but at the expense of 2 guest bedrooms in your house?! I'll reserve judgement, but we both know that's a bit OTT!!

it's a good idea to see your W as your primary family and other family comes second because she is your teammate.

I couldn't agree more Yankee & that's been one of my biggest 180's since starting DB - I hope your H gets the importance of that to.

What I'm finding is that there isn't a whole lot of R talk either - but there still is a lot of talk about the past and his resentments. I'm learning to validate him as much as possible, and learning slowly to validating my own self as well in this process.

I think you will know when you know.

Great advice about the validation & I guess you are right about knowing. It's also about hanging in there & giving things a chance to hang there, subtle changes over a longer period of time, mean so much more than one off outlandish gestures.

If you are still unsure about where she stands with the OM, well, you are still in limbo land for sure. But, what is going to make it change?

Once again YC, great question. Without having a direct conversation (which I'm not going to & probably wouldn't believe any version fully), I'm looking for signs that will tell me that my W is engaged with our R. When my W starts wanting to spend time with just me on my own doing fun stuff, going out for a meal,movies,coffee,drinks & starts wearing her rings again. If these things happened I would have much less of a trust issue with my W.

I would like her to stop dancing with the OM whether it is over or not, but we are not really at a position to discuss these kind of things without it turning into an R conversation. I've promised myself I'm not going to initiate an R conversation, so that if my W does bring it up it was not pressured on my behalf. Questioning her about the OM would just seem like I was controlling, plus it would probably set back all my good work. Don't get me wrong I want to know either way, but the way I find out or I'm told either way is just as important to me (if that makes sense)

Patience can seem so hard sometimes

I feel like I'm taking it step by step, like when you get into a cold pool & you walk in bit by bit.

I'm definitely bored, job hunting isn't going to well, because I can only work evenings, things are slow in this downturn.

On the plus side I got a First class degree, which means in Sept when I start my teaching course I'll get the equivallent of a $1,450 a month bursary, which will take the pressure off financially & I won't have time to be bored.

On the down side when I start that course, I'll have to balance my time much better with my W and family & studies as it will be so much more intense this course I'm doing.

Oh well a day at a time hey.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

I think my W's negativity has been rubbing off on me lately & I need to snap out of it.

I don't know if it's a little bit of the holiday blues, but since we've been back things are polite but very frosty between us. I can't remember a time when we've laughed or talked about anything remotely interesting or entertaining this week.

I need to gain some more positivity, to try & change this around, but there are a few things that have got me to this behaviour also...

When we were on holiday I must have had about 7 or 8 really bad triggers about my W's affair. I stopped myself going downhill each time & made sure I took a breather from my W & kids for 5 mins to get my head together, but they were bad.

The other day when I found out my degree class, lots of my friends on the course were celebrating with loved ones, family and their partners & it made me feel jealous and empty. I still haven't even got a card from my W or kids to say well done.

Then I started to think, my W didn't get me a card or anything of her or the kids for Easter, Father's Day, my degree results and it's my Birthday on Monday.

I know I shouldn't have expectations, and this is probably just the norm for WAW but it still hurts.

I haven't told any of my close friends about what's been going on and I haven't made any plans to go out & celebrate my birthday. This is partly due to my best friend picking up on my W never coming out with me when I meet up with my BF & his GF & i couldn't explain my way out of her not being there.

At first when I decided not to tell any of my friends what was happening it was to protect my W and make things easier if we R and my friends wouldn't be a factor to avoid for her, like she has been with my family, but I'm starting to realise that this is stopping me from living and having fun.

No wonder I'm having so much trouble with my GAL, I'm avoiding it, because of what I'm hiding from my friends.

I'm gonna try & shake some of this cloud off me & go for a run to clear my head.

Bill

[scaredsilly]

hi bill, i know how you feel about telling people. i haven't told anyone but my sister and cousin and one old friend who lives 700 miles away.

come to think of it, no one in my town except my son and his family. i'm just too embarrassed. i kept hoping i wouldn't need to but hope is running out and i think you may be right, maybe i would be more into my life if i did.

my H told several people at work. one was a good "work" friend and we socialized a couple of times yearly with him and his wife. the other was his boss. needless to say, i'm sure the entire office knows now and then some. it hurt when he told me but i asked him so that's what happens when you ask.

as for all the holidays and special events your wife seems to be ignoring, i'm going through that, too. he's not totally ignoring things (i get a card or a text) but he doesn't live with me so we don't interact beyond that.

i can tell you that holidays are tough. i'm not looking forward to the july 4th. we always did things together for the holidays and i'm sure he's doing things with his family.

i would encourage you to plan something with your kids for the special occasions in your life. you can let your wife know of your plans but don't invite her. if she wants to go, she'll invite herself. if you do, it's pursuing and putting pressure on her and she'll resent it.

but you can enjoy life without her.

[breakdownbill]

Hi SS

Thanks for that reply I really needed to hear all of that.

i'm just too embarrassed. i kept hoping i wouldn't need to

this is exactly how I feel, it's almost as if I put it out there, there is no going back and any R with my W will be twice as hard, for the WAS and LBS.

Things like holidays and big occassions, really do stink when you can't enjoy them with the people you love.

I'm going to take your advice about my birthday, made plans to meet up with a friend from UNI in the morning for an early lunch & I'll take the kids out for tea after school.

I ordered that No More Nice Guy book & it has just arrived, read the introduction & it is me to a tee. Going to try & read it as quick as I can & then go back & make some mini goals.

Thanks for stopping by

Bill