Today I'm not wearing my ring, just to see how it feels. I'm kind of hiding my hand around co-workers who don't know, but I thought I'd test it to see how I felt without it because recently I've felt odd wearing it in public.
Hi Verab! I haven't checked in for awhile- but saw this and wanted to tell you I felt the same way. I noticed that in all pictures taken of me recently I tend to cover my left hand, where my ring would be. I stopped wearing mine socially the end of May I think, and I kept wearing it to work through to the last day of school. I figured it would be easier to just start off in September with no ring and by then I'd feel less emotional if a coworker who didn't know asked. I will say that after a few weeks I only very rarely think about it now. Once in awhile I will get kind of aware of not wearing it. On a positive note...you know how some times on hot days when your fingers swell your ring feels uncomfortable- I don't miss that!
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
Maggie you're right - definitely didn't have the swollen finger issue!
Came home from work a little early today because I was still feeling under the weather. H asked how I was feeling, offered to make me dinner, offered to make me soup, and offered again to drive me to the airport tomorrow for my trip (in a voice that conveyed that it was silly for me to pay for a cab when he could just drive), and I declined them all.
In a way this is hard because one of my top 2 LLs is acts of service. So I feel conflicted at declining these things because I'm depriving my own tank. But over the past few months it's been clear that accepting these things doesn't work in terms of changing his thoughts on D so I need to stop doing what doesn't work, eh? Filling H's words of affirmation and quality time tanks didn't work, either, and physical touch is out of the question right now.
I have a GAL scheduled for after I get back from my trip with someone I knew in college who I haven't talked to much recently but who also recently D'd. We actually live really close to each other so it's silly we haven't seen more of each other in the past. That's okay - looking forward now.
just catching up on your thread. it's amazing how in the face of all you have had to deal with, that you can see clearly that it's time to change a few things and test out something different.
thinking of you - and you have a really good day. zig
ps. find other ways to fill your tank that don't include your H!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hi Zig - thanks for checking on me still a little under the weather but the tiniest bit better. Summer colds are the worst!
I will definitely have to ponder other ways to fill my tank that don't include H. In a prior thread I noticed that I was sort of showing things off to people in an effort to fill my WOA tank. Geez, how desperate does that sound? Do I primarily do acts of service for others to get WOA? Hmmm... Are any of my tanks full?? Yikes!
It is nice to be around family. I think my cat sort of recognizes me. He can be a real jerk but I've been practicing not projecting his actions of being a jerk onto me and instead trying to lovingly respond or explain his actions. Small steps but it is good practice in not reacting negatively to what other people do, I guess.
I'm still trying to get this blanket done. It's getting there. I also slept for 9+ hours last night for the first time in a long time.
While I'm home I'm thinking of going mattress shopping. My current bed is nearly as old as my R with H and he's much larger than me so there's a rut where he slept. A new mattress would be a nice fresh start for me (and probably good for my back!!). I had some anxiety because then I thought - do I need a whole new bed frame (b/c some beds don't need box springs)? That's a lot of pressure to figure out a bed AND a mattress right now... Then I realized, I already have a box spring, I can just get the mattress now and decide on the bed later. This sounds silly but it's a real behavior pattern for me to have things spiral out of control in my head and then feel hopeless about a solution. Now I feel more confident about the mattress decision and I'll be able to handle it all no problem.
I was also thinking about test driving some cars while I'm here. That might be a fun activity to do with my dad. It's always tough to get him out of the house to do anything but he's fairly knowledgeable about cars and I could use his advice. I'm 31 and I've never owned a car before. I know, I know.
A few things of note - -I'd previously asked H if he would mind watering my plants while I was gone. He said no problem. Then I mentioned I had a co-worker coming over to water the plants (and meant that it was while he would be gone but didn't say it). He almost looked really angry and said "I said *I* could do it!!" I said, well you're going to be out of town, when? He said X, and I said right, she's coming the 2 days after you leave. He had that same look on his face that he did after I suggested he move his clothing out of my bedroom and responded "Oh."
-H helped me carry out a suitcase to the taxi yesterday morning as I was leaving. He wished me a nice trip. I just said "bye."
-I had forgotten to pay a bill and grab something I needed before I left. I texted H yesterday at 930 AM about it (knowing he'd still be home), asking him to pay the bill (it's due before I get back) and to send me a picture of the other thing if he could. Silly me had the expectation that he'd get on it as he's been so seemingly eager to offer help recently. He didn't reply until around 6pm, saying he could do that but he wouldn't be back until the end of the night if that was okay. I didn't respond. He finally texted me the picture at 5AM this morning with "Hope it's not too late." ... Really? Back to this again, it seems. That said, I don't know if he took today off or if he just got up early to work or go to the gym, so, maybe I jumped to a conclusion with my initial reaction. I haven't responded yet.
Got some things planned with my folks and I'm still working on this blanket. Down to the wire!
I know exactly what you mean about not getting your LLs filled. Mine is also physical touch. My new goal is to hug my sister and mom when we say hello and goodbye
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
don't fee bad about trying to fill your tank in other ways. i find myself feeling embarrassed that sometimes i'm downright showing off, and then feel a bit goofy. but we were used to, on some level getting constant feedback from our spouses when together - so we do feel deprived.
i do have a bit of trouble with that concept - there's a huge difference for me between getting a hug or compliment from friends and family, than it is to get intimacy and physical touch from someone i'm in love with and feel really attracted to. so it's a different kind of thing we are getting, and i don't feel it's the same.
glad you slept extra - i've been going to bed a tad brit earlier and it does make a difference - one of the things i have to work on for my personal goals
go check those cars out - and don't feel bad about not having owned a car - so many haven't..
((( ))) zig
ps. we've all got to stop being so down on ourselves about our shortcomings!!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig - I think the kicker for me is that I didn't realize how little tank-filling I was getting from STBXH in the past few years. It's really sad how we were both communicating in our own languages and not getting anywhere and feeling resentful about it.
Yesterday he met with a realtor at the house, who only found 3 things that we need to "fix" to list it for a price where we would walk away with $0. He sent me a long email recapping the visit and asking if I wanted to set up a time to discuss our thoughts. I don't really have any interest in talking to him on the phone so I just didn't respond. The $0 is not really going to work for me. Yeah, it's better than losing money but I'd rather fix up something else and get more money than walk away with nothing to put to my next place. My first instinct was to respond about how that price didn't work for me, etc. etc.
Instead I waited until this morning and just wrote back "I'd like to get a few more opinions" and left it at that. He responded right around the same time and said he set up a meeting for next week with another realtor if I wanted to be around. Well, it's in the middle of my workday, so no, I don't think I'll be around.
I've been not wearing my ring on this trip. I am feeling better about it. I almost feel more confident not wearing it in public than wearing it. However, there's a family event Sunday and I think I will wear it there to a) not be a downer on what's supposed to be a happy day and b) not have to discuss it.
I'd be interested if anyone has any advice on how to handle the realtor situation going forward. It's uncharted territory for me.
Also - STBX continues to send me articles/etc. he thinks would be of interest to me. My new policy is to never respond to those and only respond to business/financial messages re: the house.
I got an email from W yesterday (a business thing) and my response when I see it is first for my heart to drop a bit, followed by anger. I'm not sure why. How do you feel when you see his name pop up in your email box?
I just want to say that I think you have been so so strong, Vera. It has to be so hard to live in the same house and for him to be the one "acting as if"... I think you have developed some awesome DB muscles. If there were such a thing, you would be a bodybuilder by now.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
still a little under the weather but the tiniest bit better. Summer colds are the worst!
I know, I know. 