Hey Sage. I'm very pleased you finally made it over here. It's where you belong.
Quote: I know I've made some mistakes in my M. (being controlling, manipulative, not listening to H, not appreciating him) and I'm grateful to have had the chance to see my foibles and work on them -- but sometimes I feel like I'm trying TOO hard -- do you know what I mean? In my heart I feel like a good, interesting and loving person but then in my head I think to myself "contributed to M. breakdown...must DB to perfection at all times".
Ahh...yes... I used to feel this way, but no longer. For me, it was just a general feeling, and not one that came from realizing my own mistakes in the breakdown of my M. In any case, I too was trying VERY hard to DB with perfection, and it worked at the time. But as we begin to piece, I think the intensity of DBing isn't so necessary. It doesn't mean that we don't do it any longer, it's just that we don't have to wear ourselves out with our efforts because our Ses are home (figuratively speaking).
So, IMHO, try to relax a little, Sage. Put things in cruise control for a couple of days and see how it goes. We all have good days and bad days, and we should be able to share these things with our Ses. At first I was afraid to let go a little...be the "real" Jethro, but it ended up being okay because the changes I needed to make for me and my W are still here. It's just NOW I can share my feelings with her more freely.
I kind of perceive it as we're a certain way before DBing, much of which isn't positive. We being to DB and it becomes contagious. It's contagious because we feel better about ourselves and we recognize the positive things it does in our lives. So, we keep it up, and we keep it up, sometimes having little dips here and there, but we're rockin. Then our Ses decide to "come home." Things get more difficult because the sh!t hits the fan. Over time we become more comfortable with each other, then we can back off a little, recognizing that we all have good days and bad days.
Good and bad days need to be shared with our Ses when it becomes safe to to so. This gained level of comfort is gradual, but occurs nonetheless. Right now you're piecing and are on that road, so I would worry a bit less about your "perfection," as you're putting stress on yourself. Besides, DBing really comes down to what works...whatever than may be. And it's different for everybody. And I think you know what works, Sage.
Did I understand what you meant, 'cuz I felt like I rambled a bit?
So glad you are here -- I join in welcoming you. Also -- good going on the high score. How'd you manage to study with so much on your mind?
Awesome thread you got going. I love your candidness, too. I'm not sure I read your rant, but I'm getting a lot out of everything you've posted over here.
Oh I so relate about assuming.
I had an attack yesterday of assuming he was out with the o-chick because he wasn't home when I got in -- they must be laughing at how gullible I've been while they eat Thai food and diss me --
And when my H came home with Thai food it confirmed he'd dined with her! So I acted all nervous and suspicious, which made him set his jaw -- which caused me to accuse him, at which he got defensive ... and we had a lot to untangle.
But it turned out to be just a case of ... Itchy Butt!
He served us both, he was starving, he was late cuz of the rain -- "No I did not have dinner with her, I'm having dinner with you..."
So now whenever I worry he's got the OW on his mind, I'm going to assume instead it's a case of
Itchy Butt
and I betcha I'll get the giggles!
(Amounts to the same thing, anyway, dontcha think?)
Anyway, rambling a little, but want you to know I'm following your thread. Kudos for all your good work.
So good to see that you are over here at "Piecing!" I also get nervous thinking of spending time with my WAH. Thanks for checking in my thread. Take care, Lily2
Thanks for visiting me on my thread and for all the support! This weekend was a good one -- and I really feel as though I was able to incorporate SO much of what I found here -- the concept of "itchy butt", the acting "as if" (I was very successful with that this weekend!), even relaxing a bit from DB'ing with such intensity.
A recap: Got home Friday night to find a note directing me to the bedroom... H was waiting there with champagne! The room was filled with candles! How can I not be crazy about this man? Now, for the BIG news! H. got into law school! He hid the acceptance letter under my pillow! I am SO proud of him -- he's really set this as a goal and went at it full force!
Saturday we spent the morning together meeting with our financial planner. That went well and I felt as though H. and I are back (even better than ever) to focusing on our future -- early afternoon I caught myself "talking over him" -- not interrupting really but he was offering up some really positive thoughts and I stumbled all over myself apologizing for old behaviors and not really letting him get his positive words out -- why do I do this sometimes?
Sunday we ran errands and then relaxed at home for a while. We cuddled on the couch and watched "Rocky" and then I made soup while H. relaxed. We went bowling last night with our league -- H. was tired on the way home and so while I was driving I let myself lapse into my "bad stories about the ow" scenarios which I really hadn't done all weekend! By the time we got home I was so irked and sad about how much lying had gone on...note to self -- STOP these senseless musings! They just piss you off!
Today, well, today H. seems to have a mild case of itchy butt -- or is it me? Mondays are tough days for me because after a weekend of togetherness I return to work and imagine that he and ow run to each other (maybe not literally) to catch up now that "she's" gone (me). I was actually so busy at work today that I didn't spend a lot of time creating negative thought patterns-- but -- I called him a couple of times and he seemed down at first -- my mind went into overdrive (he was hoping it was ow, ow is on call waiting, he just got off the phone with ow, etc) but I acted "as if" and by the end of each conversation, H. seemed more positive! I don't know WHY I have been able to put the "as if" methodology into place these last few days but I have -- H distracted or withdrawn? Must be because he's speechless in his love for me!
--Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage - what a great weekend. Sounds like your H is a romantic like mine - so don't neglect his need for romance from you. I'm the super-practical type, but H would secretly love me to wisk him off to a romantic weekend with all the trimmings.
Great job with the Act As If. Maybe it is the miracle of the Itchy Butt Scenario at work?
Okay Sage, could your H maybe give mine a few tips on Romance?
He made most of dinner tonight, very good too. Lit candles, poured the wine, but then asked me what I WANT for my birthday . How about something nice I don't know about and don't have to ask for???
Oh well.
Glad you're getting better at stopping those unhealthy thoughts of yours. Really I cannot IMAGINE your H doing all of these wonderful things for you while still involved in ANY way with the OW.
When my H was secretly still in contact, he did nothing of the sort, I could tell he wasn't "all here" for me. Your H seems to be pulling out all the stops. Great news about the Law school acceptance!
Yah, H. is a romantic. Unfortunately, I think I missed that point for the early years of our M. Was too busy wondering when he was gonna break my heart and leave me to notice his love.
Yesterday was a really stressful day for me -- kind of a combination of work stress, school stress, I have to testify in court on Thurs. for my volunteer job and some weird stuff is going on with an Ebay transaction I did some months ago...by the time I left work I had a very freaky feeling in my stomach -- nerves all over the place.
I ended up in this internal battle with myself -- can I show my nerves? Will he be ok with them? Or, is my tendency to worry about stuff a solid reason why he drifted from our M? I was definitely a worrier, an obsesser in the past. I think I've gotten better but it's kind of what I was referring to on Friday -- am I "allowed" to still show the warty sides of me?
We went to the movies. I felt agitated on the ride over (the traffic was frustrating). H. was loving and affectionate -- holding my hand for almost the whole time. An hour into the movie I started feeling SO sad -- an extension of the "warts and all" feeling -- How do I show my true self? What is my true self? How do I balance fixing the crap that contributed to our M. demise and still being me?
Ah, well. Not particularly constructive DB'ing. I need to keep focusing on the behavior that works -- talking less, listening more, not controlling (or trying to control) H. out of fear, remaining calm, acting "as if", not questioning H.
I think I'm just having growing pains!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
H was waiting there with champagne! The room was filled with candles! How can I not be crazy about this man? Now, for the BIG news! H. got into law school! He hid the acceptance letter under my pillow! I am SO proud of him -- he's really set this as a goal and went at it full force!
. How about something nice I don't know about and don't have to ask for???
