About two months ago my wife started telling she had to do a lot of travel for work and has not been home since. Every time she is suppose "something" always come ups that forces her to have to stay. Before I found this board I did what I was not suppose to do non stop calling and txt. She never answered the phone and when she did answer the txt it would be hours later and the excuse was that she was in meetings. About a month ago I sent her a txt that said "Seems you made your choice, hope your jobs gives you everything you need, Goodby"
She did not answer for a couple of days and I started mass txt begging her to call me. I guess she finally got sick of it and said "Your txt was disturbing and I'll take to you tmw". Next day no show no call, so I start mass toting, no reply. Last text I sent was "If you made the choice not to be will me and are just thinking of a way to tell me, just say it because it's not fair to me" After an hour I get a reply "You are not happy with me and you should find someone who deos make you happy"
Deep down I knew I was going to get this answer but it still hurt.
Since then I have got her to meet a couple of time to have dinner with me an D, and every time she is with me she always makes it seem that she does want to be with me and wants to make it work but she just needs some time. At the end if the night we hug, talk nice and I ask her to send me a txt just to say goodnight when she gets to her room, she says she will but never does. When I send a txt in the morning asking what happen to the txt, I get either phone died or I fell asleep.
Now what I about to say I know I should not do but I could not help myself. When she was last home she left her email and Facebook accounts logged in. So everyday I look at them just to see because now I feel she is having a A. For a couple of weeks nothing shows, then one day I see a Facebook message she send to one friends how is a lawyer asking if she could recommend a divorce lawyer. I go numb and my hands start shaking. I can sleep and stay up the whole night. Fast forward to today and I see two emails from a vender for her company, one is his flight info and he ends it with, I love you and can wait to come to you. The other is a love poem.
I again go numb in total shock!! I go write to a lawyer to see what my options are. Tell him everything and seeing dollar signs he said I should start the paperwork right now!! The problem is I still love her want us to be a family and in a fog not knowing what to do. She came home today to give our D a book she promised her, the only way I could get her to do it was by guilting her into be sending a txt saying no matter what issues we have, our D NEEDS her mother it's been over a week since she has seen you. She said fine she all come over and take our D to dinner.
When she gets here, I'm in the garage because I did not want our D to hear us talking. I say I want to say Im sorry for all the txt and calling, it was selfish of me to only think of what I want and not listen to you when you say you needed time. I then Look her in the face and ask her, do you want to make this work or should we just get a divorce? She said she does want to try. I then I stare her in the face for 30secs and then ask, do you have feelings for someone else? She looks me the face and says....... No
I keep my cool while she is lying to my face and say " If you do have feeling, tell me and I can accept that, but don't i.e. if you are", she again says no. I just say OK
She then says if I want to go to dinner, I said sure, once there we have idle chet chat, I make sure never to say I love you or take about our R, When we leave she comes home to get clothes because she has to fly out to LA for the rest of the week for work.. sure!! I keep my cool and say nothing. Once she gets her clothes she calls me over and gives me a hug, I give her a real weak hug, she looks at me and says bye, I look at her and say bye. We walk to the door and I just close it behind her without saying another word.
So I sit here in my fog thinking I should just file and be done with it, but I still love her and for some reason want us to still be together. I just don't know what to do.
Hang in there, take a deep breath, and try to be calm. None of this needs to be decided today. The DB books say detach and get a life and stop pursuing/chasing her. Make her worry that you've moved on without her but be pleasant when you interact. She really must be in a bad way to be basically leaving her daughter. But don't feel bad about the texting and pleading, we've all done something very similar here. It gets better day by day. Just have no expectations and your mood swings about the sitch won't be so bad. Also, get a DB coach right away if you can. Mine has been great. Take care.
Cant get DB at moment because of $$ issues, but I have ordered both DR and DB and they should be here sometime next week.
Starting last week I have started to detach I don't call her and only txt if it's about our D. I have started my GAL going to the gym when I can and I have lost 25lbs. It's just that even at the gym, I still can't stop thinking of my sitch. I really need to work on my eating, I usually only eat one meal a day and sleep about 4hrs a day, but the worst thing I started smoking again.
Whats really killing me is that I want a family, but I also now think do I want a W that would be with another man.
It's hard.
Tonight she said she would go to MC, but leaves for the rest of the week and in my mind she is with the OM.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start reading, have your read DR or DB? Read the 37 rules at the top of the forum Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
So I sent W a quick email asking if she new where our D new swimsuit i. She replied back at 6:52AM, so if she is in L.A. that means she sent it at 3:52AM her time. I don't believe it so of course my mind start running and thinking she is still here and with the OM. Think about as I'm getting my D ready and on the ride to work. But then just out of nowhere I have a thought, **** it!! I don't care where she is!! I'm going try and do what I've been reading in other threads and go dark, GAL and make sure my D has a great summer. Now I did say I'm going to try don't know if I will do it 100% or if I'll get in another funk by the afternoon, but what else can I do. Still love her, still don't know if I can deal with the EA/PA but I have to try and put that out of my mind for the moment.
Just thought of something from yesterday, that I see now as putting pressure on her. Just before we left for dinner, after our talk in the garage, I told her that if she does not come home at some point I'm going start thinking you don't live here anymore, she looked away from me and then said OK.
How bad was that?
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
So W just text to say she missed her flight last night and is leaving today (but did not say where she spent the night), should I reply or just stay dark? I'm leaning on staying dark.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
I know I went dark and I've been good so far no txt, one email that concerned our D (believe me, if you all knew what I was doing the last two weeks, this is almost a 180), but was looking for a chance to see if W and me could get together for one meeting without out me bringing up the R.
So Im taking my D to the movies one night next week and was thinking of sending W an email telling her "Hey taking D to the movies you're welcome to join us if you can, promise no pressure" If she says yes, I'l say great meet us at the theater for the 8PM show. If she says no, I'll say OK, maybe next time.
So looking for thoughts:
1. Should I word the email that way or something else? 2. Bad idea, don't send the email, stay dark.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
So today started to do things around the house, since the W left I really have let it get messy. Vacuumed the carpets, dusted, dishes and cut the grass. House looks better and cleared my mind some
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Well not sure if my post are ever going to show up, but I'll keep posting because it helps me just to write these thoughts down.
So I could not help myself and sent the invitation to W, balls in her court. No matter what Im taking my D out with or without her. Her saying no I can deal with, what would really bother me is if she does not even reply. From now till the day I take my D out I'm going completely dark. The only thing I have to think about is if she does not reply do I send her a email saying (trying to be upbeat) "Hey guess you where swamped, no worries maybe next time" OR should I just stay dark and not send anything?
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
