Having been through this before, I know I am supposed to tell her I love her one time and no more. I know I am not supposed to beg and plead, that will not work.
WELL TODAY...she spoke of an errand she has to run tomorrow. I asked who she was going with and she didn't know. After some silence, she said, why, you want to go? This opened the door and I said I wanted to go.
I started to tell her why she was wrong in what she was doing, why she shouldn't, etc. etc. etc. THEN I STOPPED MYSELF. I said: I don't want this. I don't want divorce. Trying again may be difficult and painful, but divorce is guaranteed to be difficult and painful. There are a lot of reasons to try, from us, to our sons, to our family. I described a moment we had after watching a movie a couple of weeks ago where she cried and told me she was glad I stayed with her, she said she loved me and was sorry for things she did in the past. I told her I look back and know she loves me as that was real and unsolicited.
Now, I feel stronger. I know she heard me. I said how I feel. There is no way she has any doubt about my feelings. Now I can set back, work on my 180's, and try to appear happy and confident. I know if she moves out next week, then I am going to fall pretty far again but I am prepared.
I have not spoken to my W for 96+ hours now. If she does not contact me before, I will be allowed to contact her after Monday at 5pm. At this point, I am expecting W to request the Big D. I am prepared to begin the LRT. I see that you have been there on different occasions. This is my first and am very fearfull that it may push her farther away. I wish you well. NotGivingUp!
Me-38 W-39 M-9yrs, 2mos/T-15yrs Blowup- 4/16/12 Bomb- 5/11/12 No kids, 1 pet
About to go on the errand with the Wife and son. We are going to eat on the way. I just broke down and told my wife I received and email today about my mom and dad having a 50th anniversary get together this weekend. I not only forgot about the anniversary, I didn't do anything for the 50TH. Wow, what a loser i am. She didn't seem very supportive which is what I guess I was hoping for. Anyway, about to leave. Not sure of the result of my talk yesterday. Will know by next Friday.
My wife has been staying somewhere else for a week. During this time, she has told me or texted "I love you" at least 3 times. I don't know what is going on. If I pull back, she gets aggravated at me, and if I get too close, she pulls back.
It is just a roller coaster ride that I want to get off of. She wants to come over and hang out, wash dishes, make the beds, vaccuum, water the flowers, go for a walk together, eat together just she is still living here. I don't say no to her coming over, but she knows I don't like it. I told her yesterday, let's give it two weeks, and see where we are and what direction we want to take.
She texts "Good night!" each night before going to bed and "Good Morning" each morning.
It's just a mess.
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
Uh Oh! Messed up again. Had a lot of time by ourselves yesterday which resulted in long talks. Just when things seemed to be positive, they would crash. I tried to use reason, such as why don't you stay around and try to work on this, if it doesn't work, there is always apartments available to move to. She said she already bought some furniture to be delivered. I said we could put it in storage until we figure out she would move out. No go.
She told me she has done this before and the problem is that I she needs romance, she only needs to be told she's pretty and I must not be able to meet her needs. (There's more to it than that.)
I told her I can deal with her moving out to work on herself, to work on healing, emotionally and physically. However, I can't stand the thought if she is moving out to be romanced or try to find someone. Her response was that she couldn't make any promises, that her INTENT was to get out where she could think. She said it could be me that romanced her down the road, if I would have her. I told her I might not be able to overcome feelings of suspicions down the road. Based on the past, I know that when she came back, she was very apologetic, sorry she hurt me, etc and bent over backwards to let me know where she was and what she was doing.
We still sleep in the same bed. Last night, while we were laying there quiet, she put her hand on my chest and asked if it helps. Was I ok? I said not really and we started another long talk. The conversation got off track on past bad issues, ultimately went downhill and she said "this is why I want to get out of here."
All I know its going to be bumpy this week while she is still in the house and very lonely next weekend when she moves out.
Very depressed right now. I have a lot of things to do but don't want to do anything. Especially while she is here in the house over the weekend.
It is funny how talks can go sour in a hurry. I try to limit what I say.
Your situation is so much like mine it is scary.
Wife says she misses us, but is concerned that she is somewhat content not living here right now. She and I along with our daughter went for a walk this evening at the track. I met them there as I had an errand to run first. When we left, wife again said "I love you".
The loneliness is excruciating. I'm sure my daughter misses her mom, but she believes wholeheartedly that she will be back soon. Daughter has been "taking care of dad" by doing dishes for first time ever, making sure my bed is turned down, etc. I don't want her to have to take care of Dad at 12 years old.
This ain't easy.
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
Robb I'm going to give you some advice. What's funny is that it's coming from me who is in the same boat.
You may want to think about going dark. I know when this happened to me years ago, I was always there for her. She got to have her time and then when she wanted family time, we gave it to her. After reading DB, I read about pulling back, going dark, not always being there when she wanted. ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I HAD EVER DID. There was one occasion when I brought the kids over, she asked me to stay and talk. I politely said I wished I could but had some chores to do and left. She was calling before I got home. Looking back, I think this was very beneficial for me to stop being there whenever she wanted.
Something to consider, when you know she is going to do something and you want to join, make some sort of excuse and do not participate. When she calls, don't answer immediately, let some time go by before you call her back. IT IS VERY HARD TO DO. I think it's part of the theory that when we quit chasing, they quit running. Or, they start losing their safety net to keep coming back to whenever they want. Just something to think about.
I know I'm in the same boat and it applies to me also. I told my son that until she moves out of the house, I don't have the ability to emotionally detach. I am depressed and don't want to leave the house as long as she is there. I know I am doing more damage than good.
The bottom line for me is, I know I will be OK down the road. I know I still have a lot of pain to go through. I fear she will end up in a worse place and because I love her, I can't stand the thought of that. You and a thousand others can tell me it's not my decision, it's out of my control, she controls her situation, etc., but it still doesn't help right now.
Also, I tell myself that after we separate, I might enjoy life without her. Maybe I've been living in chaos, I might like normalcy and not want to go back. Then I feel bad for thinking those thoughts.
