One of the things my H has complained about is how I would tune him out at home: most evenings after work, I'd veg out on my laptop, read, or watch tv and he felt I was inattentive. This *is* true...although he'd be on his laptop or zoning out in front of the tv as well. In any case, my question is, now when he stops over the house most evenings (even if for a few minutes), do I make a point of focusing on him more? He'll typically come by after work, pick up mail, do some laundry, or errands around the house. Often I am reading or watching tv at this time. Would an appropriate 180 be for me to stop what I'm doing and engage him more?
We do usually chit chat during these times...and I'm not bringing up R or anything along those lines. He definitely is distant during these short visits...and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to seem needy or clingy, so I keep my poker face on and speak about everyday stuff. I guess I'm confused...if one of his gripes about how I've failed him is that he felt I didn't care enough, should I be making more effort when he stops over?
I'm working hard on other things and GAL. I know I let things go to some extent and was unmotivated in our relationship. I've been exercising, eating better, feeling more energetic, taking better care of the house, reaching out to others/socializing more since he left three weeks ago. And these in essence are 180's for me; they feel right and I know I'm better for doing them.
Do you suggest I make him feel more welcome when he comes over? Or do I maintain what I've been doing...talk to him politely, keep the tone light and friendly?
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Do you have another thread with your full story? You should stick everything in one thread so that people can comment on the sitch that's ongoing. It's hard to give advice when I don't know your backstory.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sex life was pretty regular/normal up until about the week before he announced he was moving out. In that last week, he was much less affectionate, and did not attempt to initiate at all. I will admit that he initiated sex most of the time throughout the M...which I know was another gripe for him. His drive was typically higher than mine.
The thing about not having kids...there was no official discussion that we were or were not going to try. About 6 or 7 or so years ago, we actually stopped taking precautions and decided to put things in fate's hands. Again, there was no major discussion, just that we figured, let's see what happens. I remember he even starting telling family members we were now "trying" to get pregnant. The weird part is, within a month or two, we went back to protected sex. I don't even remember what precipitated it...and sadly, no discussion took place revolving around why we stopped trying. It didn't seem as though either of us felt that strongly about it at the time. Or at least, that was my perception. A year or so later, I went back to school and then it seemed as though the timing would be impractical, so starting a family went back on hold.
I know this may sound strange to some. Obviously, my H and I were not big on communicating on this matter.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Have you written a list of all these things? Maybe he was embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it with you. Have you tried flirting with him a little during this period?
From his POV, why would he want to stay married in your eyes? And I'm not talking about the fact that you were together for so long. I mean what would make him want to be with you if you don't talk on a meaningful level and don't initiate sex?
Do you know what his LL are? What are yours?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Point well taken, MB. I've let things disintegrate and got so caught up in things like work, caregiving for my elderly dad, etc. that I neglected H's needs. This is where I've failed and where change needs to be made on my part. Otherwise, you're right; why would or *should* he want to be with me?
I have been keeping a private journal to help me reflect, organize my thoughts and cope with all of the things that are happening, and in there I have begun a list like you mention.
I haven't been overtly flirtatious during this period...but I have been more demonstrative toward him, i.e. hugging him, giving him kisses. He hugs/kisses me back too. I don't go crazy during these affectionate moments, or initiate them every single time I see him, but it just feels like a nice and sincere way to express my love and let him know I *am* here and do care about him. Part of me is afraid of going overboard though...and I don't want to come across like I'm using sex/affection in a manipulative way. Does that make sense?
He is a Physical Touch LL...followed fairly closely by Acts of Service. I am Words of Affirmation followed quite closely by Acts of Service.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
labug: I know...the way I "ask" questions can sometimes come across as confusing and create even more questions!
What I'm trying to ask about is, when it comes to applying 180's, since a big issue in my M has been my lack of affection and/or desire to actually talk meaningfully with H, do I attempt to engage H more in these ways now? As I work on embracing the DB philosophies, I feel like I'm supposed to lay low, not pressure H, not initiate R talk when we are together. Yet it seems counter-intuitive to the extent that H left *because* I wasn't doing these things.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Then this is what I would suggest. Since he comes over, have his favorite dessert in the fridge. When he comes over, take some out and say that you were going to have some and if he wants some. Start doing little things like that here and there.
If you really want to push the envelope, rather than just kissing him on the cheek, lean in kiss him on the ear and whisper something flattering. Something like, "I just wanted you to know that I respect the way you ...." And then smile and turn away.
The two things men value the most are physical affection and the feeling of being respected. I'm sure that's how it was in the beginning when you two met and over the years it's really easy to forget that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
