Why did you allow this? Why did you feel OK with your MIL coming into your home and making you feel inadequate?
I don't know... I spoke with W about it on a few occasions... it was a battle that I wasn't going to win, so I didn't fight it... non confrontational by nature... I will talk to therapist about it...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
W showed up this morning to get the boys in a brand new car... got rid of the mini van and got a smaller 4 door... went and met with a priest on friday, told me that faith makes you see things where they aren't and that W has said she doesn't love me, I can't make her, time to get prepared for divorce... wow... thought priests were supposed to be advocates of marriage... my own priests won't talk to me because W works at church part time... they see it as conflict of interest... I don't see how... I have to wonder, if the situation were reversed and I had been the one that walked out on my marriage, would they be beating down my door and ringing my cell to "talk to me"?
I'm so tired and worn out... I only sleep 3 hours at a time... I've lost 35lbs... I am trying to keep the faith, but men of God keep letting me down... I'm on an island and I'm fighting a losing battle, it seems...
needed to vent... sorry... I have nowhere else to go...
have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
FF00, I think when we are in this sitch, people we think should be supportive are not. It s*cks, believe me I know. Were these priests from two different parishes?
I haven't read up on your sitch, and want to do that before trying to offer any advice. I know you're hurting. Please keep posting here if you don't have any other support system. We will try to help you and be here to listen when you need it.
I am trying to keep the faith, but men of God keep letting me down. What was your expectation around what they would say? And just because they have an opinion, doesn't mean you have to agree with them.
Things sometimes do look very bleak, I'm going through a bit of that this weekend myself. So I find helpful things to do and read (I've re-read parts of DR) and try not to mindread ("I have to wonder, if the situation were reversed and I had been the one that walked out on my marriage, would they be beating down my door and ringing my cell to "talk to me"?" ) about things I will never find the answers to.
I'm sure you've heard this here before-You acted your way into this so you have to act your way out of it.
Don't expect others to get your out of it.
That doesn't mean you have to do something. Sometimes it means you just have to let things unfold without putting pressure on your W.
Accuray wrote a great post to mab1 this morning. Look it up.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I went at first to the Priest in charge of our parish.. he didn't offer much advice or help other than he would "talk" to W... that was over a month ago now... no talk has occurred...
went to Second priest in Parish and he seemed genuinely concerned, gave me his cell number and asked me to make an appointment, and come see him... I called last Monday and made an appointment... the VERY next day, he called me back and said that because W worked at church with him he would be unable to speak with me at all... citing "conflict of interest"
he sent me to priest #3 who was even less help and actually ruined my good day by letting me know that M was over and I couldn't "make" her love me...
I thought they were supposed to be advocates of marriage... that has me down...
either way, I won't file for D so will keep waiting, hoping and praying that God's Will be done in this sitch... I'm trying VERY hard to have faith, and believe that we can reconcile in time... I have my good days and my bad...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
What was your expectation around what they would say? And just because they have an opinion, doesn't mean you have to agree with them.
I expect Catholic Priests to be advocates of marriage... to give me spiritual guidance, to offer me prayers or counsel... not to tell me to write off my marriage or be dismissive...
So I find helpful things to do and read (I've re-read parts of DR)
I've read DR 4 times since buying the book in late May... I have done the 180s... I'm being the BEST dad I can be... I'm doing my best to be the BEST man of God I can be... as I said above, I have my good days and my bad... I hope that you feel better...
and try not to mindread ("I have to wonder, if the situation were reversed and I had been the one that walked out on my marriage, would they be beating down my door and ringing my cell to "talk to me"?" ) about things I will never find the answers to.
not sure I would agree this is mind reading... but I see what you're saying... it does make me wonder especially considering that on one of my dark days I was compelled to tell my story (albeit a synopsis) to a person I had met only 2 days prior at church and she told me the story of her marriage and how our Priest had pursued her H and got him to agree to counseling and reconciliation... I just don't understand why he seemingly won't do the same for me... I'm trying to tell myself that it's all in God's time.. His plan... doesn't make it any easier, that's for sure... I have considered sending them a letter conveying my feelings... haven't decided yet...
I'm sure you've heard this here before-You acted your way into this so you have to act your way out of it.
I completely agree with this.. and had this happened 9 years ago after my PA, I would have accepted it and moved on... but now after all that time and YEARS of W telling me that everything was fine and that she loved me she now says she was acting... that she asked me to make changes over the years, which I did, and she recognizes and appreciates those changes, but she expected her feelings for me to change, and they didn't... in MY opinion, it's because we never made time for one another... we lost our emotional connection...
Don't expect others to get your out of it.
oh I don't... trust me, I've read the other posts and EVERYTHING that I can online and in books that says that this will be the hardest thing I'll ever do... I agree with them... I've fought fires much easier than this... I'm reading more self help books than you can shake a stick at... what I would like would be some support from men of God... as I said in a previous post, I'm on an island... I'm 800 miles from any family... my friends are busy with their lives, jobs, kids, wives... my Dad doesn't want to hear about this so I can't talk to my Mom about it any more... I just would love some support from those that I do know... that's all I'm looking for..
thanks, labug, you are always keeping me moving forward... I appreciate that... please do not think that my venting here is a sign that I'm not looking inward... I am... I just get frustrated and need to vent on occasion..
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
since W went out and bought a brand new car this weekend, I just got done removing her old one from my insurance and removing her as a driver from my policy.. another string cut it seems... it will save me some money I think, but it still hurts to have yet another thing go... maybe her cutting as many strings as possible will allow us to start over at some point? rebuild from the ground up... I will be calling a realtor tomorrow about putting house up for sale... I can barely afford the mortgage by myself so i think it's time I look at getting out from under it and getting an apartment or something smaller... trying to avoid foreclosure if I can.. the last 2 months feel like an eternity... try as I might, I am still not sleeping most nights more than about 3-4 hours at a time...
last DB coaching session tomorrow... can't afford to buy any more which is a shame because Cheryl has been great and one of the few in my corner... need to make some notes to maximize my time with her... get the boys tomorrow too... looking forward to that... I miss them very much when I'm at the fire station... will have to come up with something fun for us to do...
have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
great couple of days with the boys...making memories... will miss them very much over the 4th holiday... unfortunately I have to work...
I have one concern/question to ask and would like some input from others... I have been trying to give my W the space that she needs and only talk to her about the boys unless she initiates a conversation, and even then I try to be the one to end it.. I think I'm doing a decent job of acting "as if" I'm moving on... my concern/question is, if that's what the W wants, for me to move on and act like I'm over her and our marriage, doesn't that help HER to move on and forget about me? I know that we will be forever connected because of the kids and DB coach reminded me that we said til DEATH do us part, and it is never over as long as I don't give up HOPE for reconciliation... but if she thinks that I've moved on, and she completely moves on, what then..? would love to hear from others that are further along in this journey and let me know their thoughts...
I'm only just now coming up on 2 months into this... will I ever see the change that I'm looking for..? am I just not giving this enough time to work or do I need to try something different..? I can't go completely dark because of the boys... something to think and pray on... look forward to hearing from a vet about this...
have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
W no longer wants to come to house in mornings to pick up boys... wants me to load them up at 515am to meet her at parking lot of gas station and swap them there... seems to be getting more and more distant... could use some words of encouragement or advice... not sure what else I can be doing... thank you for any input.. with faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
Two months is not a lot of time, although it feels like an eternity to us. Remember, your W has been dealing with this internally for a lot longer. It is going to take a long, long time.
How have the swaps been done in the past? Is it always that early in the morning? How W and I swapped has changed many times since this started, so I wouldn't worry about it.
Unfortunately, the only thing you can do right now is detach, GAL and 180. Concentrate on you. Do what makes you happy. Don't do things that you think will make your W happy. This time is about you.
Before the bomb was dropped on me, I used to say I couldn't do this or that because of my commitments with the kids and wife. I used to enjoy the one or two hours I would get to myself. Now, I get blocks of time to myself when the W has our Ds. Now I have the time to do all the things I "wanted" to do.
You can use this time for you or you can waste it worrying about things you can't control right now.
Just keep moving forward.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
