from the WAS to being walked away on

[Top5]

I'm new to the ebb. I have been trying to use the 180. But seem to loose focus when the wow wants to talk about a divorce. I go back to the old behaviors. I'm also trying to give her space. But I find myself not calling and talking to the kids. Sometime the want wee or bear from me a week. Is that the right way to do a 180._

[~ kd ~]

I'm new to the ebb. I have been trying to use the 180. But seem to loose focus when the wow wants to talk about a divorce. I go back to the old behaviors. I'm also trying to give her space. But I find myself not calling and talking to the kids. Sometime the want wee or bear from me a week. Is that the right way to do a 180._

Hi Top5. Welcome to the best place to be for the worst reason we found ourselves.

It would be a really good idea to start your own thread and give us a bit of background for you and your sitch.

It really is hard to know what 180s might be good for you or what other possibilities you can look at without the background.

[strongerthanever]

Update on how I have been doing....

I am greatful for this experience, as crazy as it has been, as it has given me the chance to grow, forgive and love. It is liberating and humbling at the same time.

I have become aware of 2 major flaws that I know aided in the decline of the R....
1. I lost myself. I forgot about Jamie and became, mom, wife, housekeeper.... These are roles that I proudly served, but lost myself in the process. For me I have found that when you lose yourself you place the source of your happiness on others, which will always let you down. No one is responsible for your well being but yourself. I'm not denying the benefits from a caring partner, I'm talking about the "you did something that I didn't like so I am angry, and now I'm going to make sure you suffer". Sounds twisted when you say it, but many of us do it.

2.I was not a good supporter or source of stregnth in the R. Even when things got bad, when the ball started rolling down hill, I kicked the heck out of it and escelated the issues. I turned on the man I loved when my heart just wanted to reach out to him. Ex:things were bad at home so I kept myself on second shift at the hospital, working 3pm-11pm, ensuring we would be apart. I fueled the fire, I nagged, complained, yelled...I was so use to feeling like a victim in our R that I created situations that would perpetuate that feeling.

Why is this? One night I found myself all alone, feeling so lost. I thought I wanted out of the M. And there I was, on my own, and still miserable. I had a breakdown and let myself cry good and hard. I reached out to family, a therapist (going for several months now) and leaders in my church. I believe that I was (working on no longer being) a co dependant. I didn't associate with that word until I did research. I'm currently reading "Co Dependant No More, and Getting Stronger Every Day".

The best way to describe co dependancy (for me) is when you numb your emotions and deal with extremly unhealthy situations from the fear of being alone/angering the other person. It's much more than that, but that is how it applies to me.

I can honestly tell you that I am feeling really good about myself. I feel peace, I really do. I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be ok.

I thought I understood the DB techniques in DR, but I didn't. I understand acting as if and detaching, but didn't fully grasp how important they really are.

For months I had been crying and puttingmyself through such misery! It was honestly so painful. I think the personal growth I have experienced is not from understanding the techniques, but because I need peace in my life and a sense of well being.

In 3 months my divorce can be finalized. I asked myself, if it were done, what would I do? What would it take for me to be prepared? Would I be happy? When would I allow myself to get my butt off the floor and learn to live again? I have gone into the mode of not just acting as if I were moving on, but from acting as if I just got divorced and was in the process of recovering. And it's made all the difference.

I will not ever act from fear or anger when dealing with H. I will have loving boundaries. The no expectations reminder isn't needed here, my "as if" reality has moved beyond the M/D. I'm thinking about me. I loving me, improving me, healing me. I'm not pacing around the house wondering how to reply to his text. I'm not excited to see him or sad to see him leave. This is Jamie time. Seeing things through my new perspective, I truly believe I have detached and am GAL.

ps, my new life is exciting! I joined the YMCA so I'm doing kick boxing, zumba and swimming. When those negative thoughts kick in I get up and go for a walk listen to music, dance with my girls, read a book....anything. I don't let myself sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm not a victim of anything.

[25yearsmlc]

25 yrs,

Check out the other thread I started in this forum ooh my goodness it isn't dead. It's an update on what happened a few hours after I posted this ?

I agree though. I think he's hurting, and also guilt ridden/ashamed to face me. All I can do if keep the changes going and shore him through my actions that the road home is smooth, not paved with obstacles to overcome.

I asked if THIS was your thread b/c I only have so much time to post to folks. Is this THE thread or not?

It's really a LOT easier for us to follow your story if you keep it in one place b/c otherwise

it's like having to read chapters out of different books to follow your story.

Make sense? Link it here if you have to, and then please stay in one place.

I also find that using the same title when you start a new thread, with a numerical sequence HELPS to stay with someone over time and when I have to disappear from posting for weeks (to GAL or actually work or be w/h)

it's easier to find the people I wanted to keep up with.

Meaning, add #2, to your above Subject and then #3, etc.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm new to the ebb. I have been trying to use the 180. But seem to loose focus when the wow wants to talk about a divorce. I go back to the old behaviors. I'm also trying to give her space. But I find myself not calling and talking to the kids. Sometime the want wee or bear from me a week. Is that the right way to do a 180._

No Not as a father. You can talk to and see your kids as often as possible. Just don't use them as a vehicle to pursue your wife.

keep it separate and be the best dad you can be or they'll feel YOU left your FAMILY

and btw, being a great dad is what they really need now, AND it so happens to

(impress and deeply move most mothers)...but do it b/c it's right for THEM and ought to bring you some joy.

Anything else positive is gravy.

What changes are YOU making b/c you want to be the man YOU can be?

Keep your focus on you and those goals AND your kids...

and keep reading the DR DB books. Do not point out your changes to your wife

but if she points them out, you can say "Been meaning to do that for awhile anyhow. Of course If I had it all to do again, there are lots of things I'd do differently"-

that statement does NOT escalate or blame or make you a doormat AND

it shows potential for CHANGE ON YOUR END

if your w does not believe marriage to you can be better/different than before

then she's gone for good.

So what are YOU DOING to SHOW change?

[strongerthanever]

25-

Got it. This will be my solo thread, thanks for the pointer.

[strongerthanever]

(just journaling for me)

Crazy how emotions come in waves. Better than being numb though. Earlier I felt such peace and acceptance with my sitch, right now I'm feeling sad. Recovery doesn't happen over night though, so I won't be so hard on myself.

I miss my husband, my buddy. It's hard to swallo the concept that two people who love each other so damn much let things get this far gone. The sitch feels hopeless, still hard to believe how this happened.

I'm sad for my girls too, this is never what I wanted for them. They are only 2 and 3-will they have ANY memory of their mommy and daddy together? I know it isn't necessary for their well being, I just wish they could remember when things were amazing instead of trying to imagine it.

I'm sad for H too. I'm not mad at him at all, I don't hold any grudges. I can only imagine the internal battle he is dealing with right now. I wish I could hold my best friend, let him cry in my arms and tell him that everything is ok. I know I can't hold his hand, this is his own personal journey. It just breaks my heart to know that someone I love so dearly is hurting.

I'm gonna take a hot bath, have a good cry and possibly some key lime pie I know I'm gonna be ok. I wish I knew we were going to be ok, but I don't. But I know I'm gonna be ok. I keep reminding myself that I have walked through much harder things in life and came out just fine. I remind myself (completly detaching and acting as if I really AM divorced) that I have suffered heart break before. Not only did I survive, but as impossible as it seemed at the time, I fell in love again.

This too shall pass and I will be ok. Baby steps...

[notsosunny]

Jamie..I know how U feel Im the one that left a long time marriage ( basically kicked to the curb ) by my hubby...but I had been emotionally gone for a long time..and had been packing and taking unwanted things to the thrift stores and Good will for months....He didnt notice

So I was a WAW... 8 days after I left I got a divorce summons
HE was done.........so I became the left behind wife......that was 5 years ago...He dropped the Divorce after much haggling and 2 lawyers involved We were actually back to living together, with a div hanging over my head ( I defaulted.......which means I didnt respond to the Div petition )

He could have taken everything and left me in the gutter...altho
I would not have ended up there...still carried my RN license

My Mom came home from Florida and MADE me go to the docs for AD's and hired me a darn good lawyer to fight for my rights....which is why he dropped the divorce............

Long story.. made short.......I heard him tell peeps for the first 12 months after we were back together, " I couldnt have afforded the Divorce because she would have taken me to the cleaners and I would have lost my business's "

Now i'll tell ya that hurt me alot hurt me to the bone....but I continued to use the concepts of alanon and DB and continued to work on myself..............

I'm in a fairly peaceful place at this time......but ya never know what tomorrow brings..

thinking of U

Cindy Lou

[strongerthanever]

Notso,

Thank you for your response. are you two still together? Idk why but in my gut I don't feel as if we really will D. I can see him waking up to the reality once we start going through the process of being in court. I see an 11th hour miracle. Until then I'm stepping back to slow him to feel/sort everything out.

Who knows, I COULD be in denial, but that's why I'm going focusing on my life right now, I need to be healthy regardless.

[notsosunny]

Jamie...........yes we are still together celebrating 29 years of marriage in August.

I guess we are a work in progress.... and always will be.

Cindy Lou